The Bad Days

I can honestly say that I'm pretty blessed. Got a job that I like and I'm good at. My health is good, in addition to the health of my son. I've got plans. I've got options. Things are amazing. But some days... some days, those thoughts creep back in. I'm not really "over" my loss of Dres. It still hurts. I miss my friend. Even though we didn't talk everyday, he was my friend, my brother, my backbone. I miss my homie. And some days, I can chalk it all up, smile through my pain, and move on. But other days, I feel like I do right now.

It isn't always just the loss of Dres. It's the loss of so many people in my life. I lost Pete. I lost Ali. I lost Jody. I lost Uncle Tippy. I lost Rod. I lost Celeste. I lost Andrea. I lost Jarronn. I lost Conchata. I lost Tracey. I lost my mind.

Most days, I move forward, knowing that it is what it is. My Buddhist leanings long ago taught me that sometimes, shit just happens. Which goes along swimmingly with my agnostic beliefs, because who really knows if there's a guy up there running the world? I lean into that, because I've seen so much stuff, good and bad, that it's really difficult for me to pinpoint if I believe in a higher power.

A few years back, when I worked at the hospice that I credit with saving me after Ali died, there was a chaplain, named Jim. I appreciate Jim being patient with me, and always willing to answer questions for me. I even worked at the hospice when Ali's dad, my Uncle Tippy died, and I'm so grateful for the compassion they showed me during that time. I recall one day, asking Jim why God makes bad things happen. Jim responded that he does not believe that God make bad things happen, he believes that bad things happen and that God's role is to guide us through them. Strangely enough, that made me feel a lot better.

Anyway, today is one of my rough days. I hope "God" is up there guiding me. I started out thinking about Dres, but then the weight of all those losses just hit me at once. Why me? Why them? Why now?