I Choose Me.

I've been open about my intentions this year to do an overall reset, and a big part of that has been choosing not to have sex. While I didn't start off with that being my intentional plan, it simply became clear to me that my emotional and mental safety depended on me taking a step back. It was genuinely a sense of self-preservation. And it wasn't always easy. Although I knew that I needed to be alone, I'd kept it in my mind that I'd at some point start dating again, with a much clearer idea of the kind of man I sought out.

At the beginning of this year, I had no idea the kinds of shifts I'd be seeing and going through. I just knew that I needed to navigate my journey to the best of my ability. I'm so eternally grateful to the support that my therapist has given me during this time. I've encountered slight accusations that my therapist may be attempting to lead my steps, but she isn't. She's just really good at helping me to unpack my own decisions and feelings regarding my life up to this point. She's been way more right, than she's been wrong.

To make things even more interesting, a man who I'd literally wanted since childhood recently became available to me. Over the years, I'd literally hoped and prayed for this man, being of the impression that having him in my life would make everything better. And we tried. I mean, kinda.

But it started to occur to me that he wanted me to be present. He wanted phone calls and text messages. He wanted me to be available to talk about my day and while I'd hoped and dreamed that I'd have him wanting this part of me in the past, it started to feel laborious. I let him know early on that I have my occasional times where I might just disappear into my own head, and he won't hear from me for some days, but when those moments happened, he struggled to understand it.

He wanted us to come together and share lives. And there were days that I wrestled back and forth about what this would look like and how it would feel. I was even transparent with him about my lack of sex, and he seemed relieved. I mean, it sucked that I wasn't having sex with him, but at least he knew that it wasn't because I was out loving on other men.

It started to feel like the more he wanted from me, the less I wanted to give. We bickered on occasion, and all I could think to myself is how when I'm by myself, there is zero bickering. While I understood that disagreements were a part of getting to know and understand one another, I suddenly didn't have the genuine desire to reach a middle ground. Like, I just didn't care whether or not we stuck with one another. I began to recognize that I'd honestly rather just be alone. I don't want to plan a future with him, or any other man, quite frankly.

I know that he's holding out for me. He's playing the long game. I see it. I need to scale back my contact from him, and that's my plan. I don't want to play games or lead him on. But I no longer want him, and I recognize that I no longer need a man to make my life complete. My baby is about to graduate high school and I'm looking forward to traveling and living an amazing life. Work is good, my energy is aligned, my spirt it clear. I wake up every day, grateful and excited for whatever I'm about to run into. I'm no longer choosing other people.

I choose me.