The Paradox of Peace

I've talked quite a bit about my quest to unpack my centering men, in part by being sex-free. It hasn't always been easy (but far easier than many would expect), but I've held firm for almost a year. My skin is clear, my spirt is doing well. I'm happy, I'm at peace. I'm drinking my water, minding my business. I love it here! And I'm exceptionally hesitant to do anything to come down from this space.

I've had to recognize how much men, sex, and dating have been toxic for me, leading me to make horrible mistake after horrible mistake, seeking that elusive "peace" that I'd been led to believe would come from finding my unicorn of a man. So yeah, I'm single, sexless, and exhilarated by it.

But I've noticed a bit of a strange conundrum that comes with this peace. Honestly, I feel like when I was having sex, and "of the world," I begged for attention from the men around me. Hell, I lavished in it. I'd do practically anything to see some handsome young devil look at me and give me a knowing, sly wink. But at some point, I started to understand that those glances didn't do much for me. As a matter of fact, they even started to take something from my spirit. The more I dated and sought out love, the more I was drained and depleted. My smile started to fade and I grew far more cynical.

As I started to process it all, I grew to kinda resent that old version of myself as well. She wasted so much energy looking for validation from men who were never worth her time or on her level to begin with. But the funny thing is that I've started to notice a shift. The more I turned my energy internal, and started to focus on my own peace and healing, the more I seem to draw in men. They seem to be so attracted to this happier more grounded version of me. They love that they can lean into me and this wiser, more sage version of me can soothe them, and hold them up and provide support and kind words. 

And the irony is that now I'm the best version of myself ever, I no longer want them. The fact is that I'm so in love with this new and improved Malika, that I'm terrified of undoing her work. And for the first time ever, men are seeing my value in a whole new way. And I don't want them at all!

It really seems like the more I look at my life and love what I'm doing, the less I want to have to deal with a man in my space. And it seems that the more that I heal and love myself, the more men are drawn to me. And better quality men. But the irony is that while these more loving and attentive men want me, the more terrified I am of leaning into any of them and disrupting what I have accomplished so far. 

So yes, I'm in the best mental shape of my life. I'd be an amazing wife, thoughtful and loving and kind. And I damned near can't leave the house without a man saying that he wants me. But I'm not sure if I'd get this kind of quality attention if I was still on my bullshit. I feel suffocated by the idea of brining another man into the fold. I don't have it in me to navigate another heartbreak. I just can't do it again. The vulnerability that would be required for me to trust another man would be suffocating. I don't think I have it in me. The more I love myself and want to be alone, the more they want me.