Humiliation Ritual

I try to be really careful about curating what I follow on social media. So much division between men and women has been pretty bad for my mental health and I've been intentional about unfollowing groups that seem to thrive on nothing but rage bait and red pill mansophere bullshit. And truthfully, some of those pro-women groups can be pretty catty and mean as well.

But to be fair, some of those pro-women groups have been very cathartic and educational for me. One particular person I follow often shows examples of women bending over backwards in relationships while men seem to secretly get off on embarrassing the woman, as she tries her damnedest to win his approval. I've come to see these kinds of stunts as "humiliation rituals." Things that men do, where they set up situations for the woman to basically lower herself to win over the man, as he beats his chest like the manly man that he is (eye roll).

I just realized that it had been a while since I last checked in here. During that time, I decided that when the new year hit, I'd be ready to drop the shackles of my celibacy and knock some boots. I'd reconnected with a past lover recently. He and I have had to work through a few hiccups from our past, but I was confident that we'd finally made it to a safe space where we could be in one another's lives in a healthy manner. I'd shared with him that I was interested in basically giving him my second shot at virginity. Big damned shock, he was more than interested.

We'd talked about what that looked like and what my expectations were. Because of the time that we were first seeing one another, we had a lot going on, which didn't leave a lot of time for dating. Plenty of time for "other stuff," but no actual dates. I'd mentioned to him that I'd like for us to go out on a date. He followed up by asking me what I meant by a date and then telling me that we'd gone on a date before. Now look, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box. And my memory can be shit sometimes. But I know damned well that this man and I have never gone out, and I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with this fucker attempting to rewrite history and telling me that some grand gesture exists where it does not.

I felt myself literally wilt. He tried it. He fucking tried it. And it wouldn't suck so much if this were not the 3rd time that I've had this fool gaslight me about something that I'm completely sure of. But this time is different. While I'd swallowed my pride to keep the peace before, I just couldn't do it this time. This means too much to me. I will not give my body to a man who seems hell-bent on gaslighting me and playing in my face, while he and I both know that he's not showing up how I need him to.

I'd gone silent on him. I just refused to do it anymore. I know him well, and he knows me. Actually, this guy and I are so connected, that over the years, there have been dozens of times that he'll seriously text me while I'm in the middle of thinking about him. He and I are obviously connected on a deeper level and he admitted that he's got intuitive gifts on his father's side, just like me. Still, I was surprised when he broke and texted me out of nowhere. I could tell that he was attempting to test the waters, to see if our rendezvous is still on the table in the new year. It ain't, but I haven't mentioned that to him yet. But I will soon. I'm not playing with this dude.

I hung with a girlfriend today and I'd mentioned it to her. I told her how I have no intentions of laying down with this man and how hurt I am. But I also told her that the old version of myself is still in there, trying to make sense and look at him in a loving light. The new me knows better and the new me will not allow him to lower us. Old me is torn though.

On my way home from dropping her off, it occurred to me what was going on. A humiliation ritual. He can't see us eye to eye. He needs me to lower myself. He needs the ego boost of accepting crumbs from him, while he takes something valuable. But I can't. And I won't. I'm supposed to getting coffee with him soon, and I plan to basically give him a "I'm not ready, it's not you, it's me" speech when I tell him that nookie is off the table. He's already shown me that whenever I attempt to address my needs between the two of us, all he does is shut down and shift the blame. I'm honestly low-key wondering if he's a covert narcissist. Because I'm noticing a pattern here. It doesn't matter though, because I refuse to walk this tightrope of bullshit, just to maintain his fragile ego.

On top of that, Fred called me today and apologized. Again. We chatted for about 15 minutes. It was nice to see that he was thinking about me. But I didn't forget. I didn't forget at all. I'm not mad. I'm not depressed. I'm not confused. I'm just over it. In the words of a great philosopher,

I mean, at some point, apologies just stop meaning so much, if you keep doing the same stuff, ya dig? And I'm not mad. I'm at peace. I just want a peaceful life. I want to get back what I give to others. 

Is that too much to ask?