Divine Timing

It isn't a secret that working in mental health can be a challenge. For every client that tells you that you changed their lives, there are clients and coworkers that are bent on making your life hell. Particularly while working with male clients, it isn't unheard of for them to try us. It really just comes with the territory. 

I'm really fortunate that my supervisor has been good about empowering me to defend myself and redirect clients who get out of line. I've even taken to quoting one of my favorite shows whenever my coworkers are dealing with crap at work:

But one day, I had a client that challenged me. I couldn't to it. I was off the next day, and I was good about putting it out of mind. I was. But when I returned to work, I couldn't do it. I had to reach out to a crisis line to talk about what I was experiencing. I hated to do it. I felt so weak and defeated. That's not like me. That's not who I am today. I put it out of my mind largely, just because the thought of it all made me so uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, life has moved alone, as its wont to do. Working on my books, planning family reunion, raising my amazing child, planning my vacation this summer- I'd say I'm doing pretty well. Of course there's always things I'm balancing lightly. Issues with my parents. My dating life that is nothing short of non-existent, because I just can't deal. It's always there. I just tuck it neatly in a nice little bow, in the back of my mind.

On most days, I drop my child off at school and plan to stay there in the area, before I drive him home. This morning was pretty rough, so I opted to drop him off and return home to grab a nap. One hour into a planned 2/3 hour nap, I got a call. The counselor that I'd met with from my work issue wanted to know if I wanted to come in today or tomorrow to further talk about my work issues. I was initially going to select tomorrow, but after hanging up, I realized that I already have an appointment at that time. So I guess, today it is.

I walked in, unsure of what to find. She was a Black woman, a complete godsend. Plus she has a PhD in psychotherapy. I got teared up as I discussed what my issue was. She asked me if I'd been sexually assaulted before. I assured her I had not. Then she asked me about my father: **sigh** I admitted that he's a narcissistic pain in the ass, much like my son's father and most men I've encountered. I admitted that while I understand that not all men are complete trash, enough of them are for me to recognize that they are largely predatory and only concerned about getting their needs met.

I admitted that I dislike most men and don't trust them as far as I can throw them as I've immersed myself deeply into feminist thought. The therapist listened intently as I talked about work and several experiences I've had for the last few years. Then she asked me about my siblings. More tears. 

I expected absolutely none of this. I created my todo list for the day, and not a single thing on the list required me to talk about the deepest parts of my life. I let the therapist know that much of what I told her were things that I've buried deep and wrapped up neatly in a bow. She reminded me that holding on deeply to everything would only eventually lead to it slipping out anyway. And naturally, she was right.

Coincidentally, I'd been looking for a therapist for some time now. If it wasn't the finances, it was some other blockage that kept it from happening. It was in my mind, but never happened. On the radio, "Always on Time" by Ja Rule had been playing so much. And that reminds me of how this therapist landed in my lap. She wasn't there when I called- but damned if she wasn't on time.

And to add icing to the cake, as I walked into a gas station today, a guy held the door open for me. He complimented me on my hair. I complimented him on his smile. He said he liked mine as well. As I gassed up and expected him to just walk away, he stopped his car and walked up and asked me for my phone number. He wasn't creepy or weird. He didn't leer at me.

Lord knows I'm not marrying this guy in my head. Not sure I'll ever even see him again. But it feels nice to be reminded that there are safe spaces, in my head, and in the world. It was all on time. All of it.