Learning to Be Okay with Being Okay

So there's a guy. I'll call him Craig. Craig and I have known one another for about 5 years now. We're great friends. He works in mental health too. Craig has been instrumental in supporting me throughout my career, he's a bit of a mentor as well. Craig is a therapist who also specializes in sex, among other things. Craig and I have talked about the many things we have in common and having him as a mentor and friend has been invaluable for me.

Craig also happens to be hot. Craig is sexy as shit. At some point, Craig and I started doing "the dance." It hasn't always been easy. Craig is a great friend of mine and things got rocky in our relationship when we were working together. At some point, I started to recognize that I had issues with codependency, and saw that I'd leaned on Craig way too heavily. I called him to apologize. He apologized for how he handled some things as well. Our friendship then grew drastically after that. We've been great since then.

I didn't cheat on Theo with him. But I'll be honest and say that I made a beeline to make up lost time with Craig 2 days after I told Theo we were done. And Craig reminded me of why I keep coming back to him.

My issue now is that I'm struggling with how well things are going with Craig. Craig has an amazing body (he works out a lot and is currently heavily into boxing) and he's incredibly handsome. One of my least favorite client's caregiver happened to have a crush on him and I got a sick joy knowing that I was doing things to him that she could only dream of. He's also a great friend. One of my favorite things about having friends that work in mental health is that we can have thorough discussions about nearly anything, with no judgment or hang-ups, especially since he specializes in sex. No topics are off the table and I find his openness refreshing after nearly pulling teeth to get men to open up about what's going on in their lives.

Craig is extremely busy. He is building his business, in addition to being a full-time parent. We don't get to spend a lot of time together, but when we do, we make it count. When I tell him that I have a problem with something he does or says, he addresses it and we talk like adults. He knows how to talk to me to encourage me and to get me to take a good look at my own actions.

One day, I asked myself if I wanted to be in a relationship with Craig, and I surprised myself by saying "no." I pondered all sorts of circumstances changing, and I still surprised myself by saying "nah." I happened to be talking to some girlfriends at work and I mentioned Craig and how much I thoroughly enjoy our friendship. My friends encouraged me to try to take things there with him. And again, I surprised myself by saying "nah." I explained to my homegirls that I've made the mistake with my guy friends before by trying to make some men into something they were not ready to be. And I learned to be happy with what is.

So that's me and Craig, I guess. Occasionally, I text Craig in the middle of the night and tell him how much I love our friendship and how weirded out at the fact that I'm not trying to marry him. I'm not even trying to make him my boyfriend, although he's the only person I'm romantically connected with at the time, but that's more of a choice. I want no commitment of any sort from him, outside of our friendship. I'm just over dating. I told myself that I'd do paid dating apps in the future, but truthfully, I don't want to do that anymore. I really don't even want to date. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want a "get to know you/honeymoon phase." I'm too old for that shit. I'm just over the games and deception that comes with dating these days.

But I'm still struggling with just learning to be okay with having a Craig. Craig isn't a Fred. He's consistent and he's thoughtful. He's kind. He's warm. He's emotionally available. He's sexy af. He's mature. He texts me back! And not even a small part of me wants to be in a relationship with him in any way, and that confuses me. He's gorgeous! He's perfect! He knows that he's too busy for a relationship, and he's certainly not trying to force the issue either. Even if he asked me to do the relationship thing with him, I'd freeze up.

I am really struggling with being okay with being okay with our friendship. In the past, I would have been trying to marry Craig. To make him drop everything and meet me at the courthouse. Truthfully, I don't even know if I ever want to get married. I guess the cognitive dissonance is getting to me. Because, I feel like I'm supposed to be forcing this. I'm supposed to be trying to put a round peg in a square hole, but I'm not. I enjoy our intimate moments and I love his friendship. I don't know what Craig does when I'm not around, and I don't really care. I trust him. I love him. He loves me. And I'm so okay with this.

I just can't figure out why I'm so okay with it. I checked in with him. He admits that he too sometimes struggles with accepting when things are good in his life. I think what makes this easier for me to accept is that mindfulness has been instrumental in helping me to learn to be present with what is. I can't control the future and I can't change the past. All I can do is just live in the moment and learn to be grateful for when things are going well. I'm learning to live a consciously mindful life and I'm so used to being a wound up spaz, that I'm struggling to just be okay with things going well and there being no underlying attempts on my part to move the meter one way or another.

Craig and I fit perfectly into the space that we're in right now. We provide emotional attachment, connection, and support. We know one another on a deeper level. I often poke at him for the amount of time that he'll text or call me when I'm in the process of thinking about him. Neither of us is moving toward more, or wanting, or needing any more. No false promises about getting married at X date under Y circumstances. Not even a bit of consideration about moving in together. And I'm strangely okay with this. Plus I find that dating and relationships really just distract me from my goals of finishing writing and publishing my second book. I don't really want to deal with any distractions and this is more of a support than anything, which is why it works perfectly for me. 

But I feel like I shouldn't be okay with this. I'm supposed to be falling in love with him. But I don't want that for us. I'm really just okay with us being okay. And that's weird to me. It shouldn't be weird tho, right?