Nurse or a Purse

Seasons in life are pretty interesting to me. It's so cool to enter new phases and be able to marinate on what you've learned and how it impacts where you are now, where you intend to go, and how you plan to get there. This new year has been particularly interesting to me, and I know that my struggles last year worked hard to prepare me for the space I'm in now. One of my favorite parts of this season has been connecting that much harder with my family.

Through the wonders of social media, I have connected with my 2nd cousin, Tiffany. Tip happens to look a lot like me and over the last few years that I've gotten to know her, we've gotten really close and I'm thankful for that. Last weekend, Tiffany, our other cousin, Doc, and I all got together and hung out in North Carolina where my father's family is from. We also went to my mother's birthday dinner.

I'm enjoying this space of building with my family and rebuilding my relationship with my mother. While visiting Tip, we stayed in her beautiful home. I love that Tip and I have so many similarities. Tip is also single so we get to discuss a lot about how our dating lives are going. I've been in quite a contemplative space regarding dating lately (as if I don't think about it often). I continue to focus on marinating on my own greatness and remembering that I'd rather be alone than to be miserable and/or used and exploited in a relationship.

I believe that part of my reasoning for focusing so hard on what I do want this time around, is because I spent so much time settling for bad relationships, with the hopes a man would change, that I'm vigilant this time around about not settling. I refuse to be in a relationship, just for the sake of being in one. I am determined to be loved on my own terms, by the right man. Or be loved on my own terms by me. There is no middle ground this time around.

I recall saying in an online forum recently how dating in my 40s, I continue to come across men that refuse to plan for the future, and I can practically smell their desperation in 10+ years when they get old and alone, and suddenly find the value in settling down. Or they are shocked to find that the 20-somethings that they hope to settle down with are (big shocker) going after men their own age, instead of dusty guys in their 50s. I was surprised when a woman wrote "A nurse or a purse, that's why I'm still single." I thought to myself how interesting that is.

A few weeks later, I finally caught up to my best friend, after weeks of missing one another's phone calls. I also mentioned to he how I fear that these same guys who can't get their head out of their asses and plan adequately for the future will suddenly be knocking down my door in a few years. My bestie surprised me by saying "a nurse with a purse."

I was pretty shocked at that point. I had no clue that this was actually a "thing." I knew what my dating experiences had been, but I had no clue that this term was actually a coined term regarding men who long to get married in their 50s+, after doing the bachelor thing for decades. I'll also add in that working for a Crisis Line, I talk to desperately lonely men nearly every day. I hear men crying in my ear about missing their deceased wives, or missing their ex-wives who divorced them, and their children who barely take a moment out to visit them, even on holidays. I look at these ridiculous men in my dating pool, and I see their futures. And it ain't pretty.

While chatting with my best friend, I also remembered about the last time I visited with Fred in Cali. I forgot how it came up, but I mentioned in passing to him that I no longer planned to try to marry him. I thought he'd be relieved that I'd finally let the topic go. Instead, he appeared surprised. I explained to him that there was nothing nefarious behind it, I just realized that I make way more money than him and his communication skills are shit, and that frankly, I'd be more of a come up for him in old age, than he'd be for me and that I'd be stupid to cling to him needlessly. He accepted it. But I could see that I'd caught him off guard.

Only later did I catch what was really going on there. He thought he had time. He thought that I'd always be in his back pocket, in case things didn't work out in other areas of his life. He expected me to proudly stand back and be his Plan B in the end. And he was shocked to hear that I decided on my own that I no longer desired to have him as my Plan B. I think he forgot that desirability had to flow both ways, that not only does he have to want me, that I have to want him back. And although I love Fred and I know I always will, the math ain't mathin'. 

I talked to another cousin recently and she asked how I'm holding up financially. I explained to her that I'm check to check because all of my extra money goes into paying down bills, including my car and credit cards. Ultimately, in the next year, I want my bills to be paid off and the only thing I'm focusing on is still paying down my car, in addition to building my credit. And once I move back to California, I plan to continue to stack my coins, with my sole focus being retirement. Pretty good plan, if I do say so myself. This year will be the last year of epic birthday trips. I'll still travel, but not such expansive travels, which require so much money. After this summer, the penny pinching starts, as I get ready to stack my money and focus on retiring comfortably.

Being the curious soul that I am, I even went so far as to Google "nurse or a purse." I was stunned to see several articles, warning retirement-aged women not to get entangled with older men who are now looking for a woman to care for them or help them to pay bills. So many women are heading into retirement, or are recently widowed and seeing what the dating game is like. One thing I happen to hear among older women who are newly single (via widowhood or divorce) is how after being the backbone of their past years-long relationships, they have no desire to get married and carry yet another human being's life. And on the opposite side of the same coin, so many older men are desperate for a woman to care for them after divorces or widowhood.

One of my favorite things about being solo is that I can make all of my own decisions. I can travel when and how I want to. I can save my money as much as I want, and not have to worry about a man who has his hand out because he mismanaged his own funds. I don't have to worry about a man who is financially floating his whole side of the family secretly, while I struggle to save money for the future. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm proud of myself for doing everything possible to prepare to retire comfortably.

And with all of these plans and sacrifices, why the hell would I take on the problems of a man who couldn't be bothered to get his shit together until he saw the writing on the wall? Why would I suddenly want a man who's junk isn't working and who is sick and hopes that I'll be there to wipe his brow and drive him to the doctor and cook for him and help him to manage all of his medical appointments? Why should I lower my standards and feel sorry for a man who thought he'd just screw around indefinitely, and suddenly get access to the retirement that I have rightfully worked so hard for? 

Another concern of mine is getting married to some dude who doesn't have two nickels to rub together, him running my pockets, ruining the relationship and then later trying to get part of my pension during divorce proceedings.

I am Malika. I am a woman. But I am not a nurse nor a purse. Get somebody else to do it.