Loved On

In my last conversation with my beloved cousin, Jarronn, he'd just gotten married just over 2 months ago, to a beautiful woman named Jessica. Jarronn was always the cousin who had his shit together. And then there was me. Jarronn graduated from high school with honors. I barely had enough credits to cross the stage. Jarronn also graduated college with honors and on time. I graduated, at the age of 28, after attending 3 colleges. Jarronn had a good paying job with Johnson and Johnson, met a beautiful and intelligent woman, and decided to marry her and start a family. I lived through failed relationship after failed relationship. To put it mildly, Jarronn had his shit together. And then there was me.

Our last conversation was sparked by me seeing the picture of that motorcycle on his Facebook page. I called and told him not to ride it. He assured me he was safe. It was our first actual conversation in ages. I asked how he knew that Jessica was the one. He said to me "it was just easy. We didn't argue. No games. We just got each other and we got along great." Jarronn died a couple of weeks later, from a motorcycle accident.

I still think back on his words from time to time. I think about how much I've grown in terms of men and maintaining my peace and boundaries, while acknowledging and no longer making excuses for red flags. I've made a commitment to myself that I'll no longer tolerate disrespect and b.s. And while it has significantly cut down on drama headaches in my life, it has also significantly scaled back on potential mates, a trade I've made peace with.

My online dating pattern is like this- download Tinder and log into Facebook dating. Swipe right a few times, swipe left a multitude of times. The guys I swipe right on are full of shit or extremely dull. Or they make it known that they only want sex. I get irritated, and take down both accounts in 2 weeks, try again in 3-6 months. Sometimes  I rejoin because I'm hopeful. Other times are because I'm lonely. Or because I'm bored. They all essentially end with my being thankful that I'm single because none of the men I met were worth the data it took to communicate with them.

I don't know why I did, but I recently logged back on, not waiting my traditional 3-6 months, instead waiting only a week or so. I was disappointed with one and logged off. But then I saw a guy on the other one. "He's cute" I thought. I swiped right. I was amazed that he spoke first. I'll call him Theo. He was nice. A man of few words. But he communicated well. We exchanged numbers quickly. I remained skeptical, as always. I've honestly become accustomed to being disappointed by men. I show up on the off chance that he won't be a complete piece of shit, but my luck hasn't shown me that will be my lot in life. We texted a bit, but then I encountered the strangest experience while in traffic. It was too long to text, so I asked if I could call him. He said sure, so I  called and excitedly explained the strange man with a huge lump on his arm that had a tattoo of an eyeball on it. I thought to myself that he more than likely thought that I was a raging lunatic, but I didn't care. It felt good to have someone to vent to. That's all I've really wanted all along- to be hear, a man to vent to.

Our communication was brief. The next morning Theo texted me and stated that he'd been thinking about me all night. I was honestly kind of thrown by that. "He doesn't even know me" I thought to myself. We texted a bit more. He seemed nice. Conversations flowed well as we began to open up about ourselves. At some point, we decided to meet. He happened to be staying only 2 exits away from me. I went to meet up, not expecting much. As he was new to Atlanta, I was charged with showing him the city. I drove him all over Downtown, Midtown, and Buckhead. We laughed easily.

Before ending the night, we stopped at my favorite seafood spot, The Juicy Crab. We joked about which is a better song to walk down the aisle to, International Players Anthem or Space Age Pimpin'. At some point, I looked up at him and said "are we really having this discussion?" "Yep!" he easily replied. By the end of the night, I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't. I didn't want to move too quickly.

The second time we hung out, two days later, we did a bit of driving around Decatur. Sure, I could have invited him into my home, but I'm not in the habit of introducing my son to new men until I'm sure things are solid. I could have gone to his hotel room, (not that he asked) but I know me and I know that would have sent things in a place I wasn't ready for (although I certainly remained curious).

Our third hang out session (the following day) was before his trip home to Ohio to tie up loose ends. We held hands. We laughed. And it felt right. It felt natural. He never waned from making me feel desired and adored. He told me that he cared about me. This time, we just went to the park and sat in the car. He'd still not been in my home and I still hadn't seen the inside of his hotel. On top of it all, he never even asked me to step into his room with him. That impressed me. So many men would have invited me up the second or third time. I confessed to him that I'd certainly desired to see it, but I didn't want to move too fast and mess things up. He said "Malika, I have self-control." I responded with "I don't." He expressed that he understood and didn't want to do anything to mess things up either. Before he left to get on his plane, in true Malika fashion, I said to him "I guess, I'll kinda halfway miss you." He responded with "well, I'll definitely miss you." I was smitten.

Since then, the communication has gotten even stronger. He'd expected to be back the following week, but he wasn't. I miss him and I told him so. He told me he missed me back. I went on and let it be known, "if I fuck you, we go together." He agreed. He makes me feel safe. Secure. Warm. He feels so familiar, in an unfamiliar way. I've never felt so wanted and desired. I continue to fear that he'll leave and never return. I admitted to him that I'm a bit of a spaz. The oldest of 6 sisters, and many other women in his family, he said he's used to dramatic women. Lord, you made this man for me!

Sometime during the summer, my coworker in Cali said something about Attachment Types. Being the curious woman that I am, I looked it up, only to discover that I am definitely an anxious attachment type. I want them around, but I constantly fear that they'll leave I tend to cling to men that clearly are not as into me. But I think they chose me because in their detachment, they know that my anxious ass would never leave. What I'd learned about myself in that was that I needed to attract a different kind of man. 

But Theo's not detached. He wants nothing more than to have a woman up under him constantly. Which is funny, because I've rejected so many men because of their desire to keep me caged up. He wants me with him and he verbalizes it. But he's not clingy or needy. He isn't codependent and unhealthy. Nope, that's more so me. But he wants to be kept and adored, which is all I want to do. It never ceases to amaze me that all of the things I've asked of other men, men who knew me longer, would never do.

At first when he left, Theo was gone for 4 days with no communication. My anxious ass just knew he was gone for good. I thought I'd never see him again, and that he'd ghost me like other men had done. He eventually texted me again, apologizing and explaining that he'd encountered some family drama at home. I told him that because of my past, I don't deal well with unexplained absences and I'd need some kind of acknowledgement so that I at least didn't blame myself for his absence. He then promised me that moving forward, we'd talk every day. And he's kept his promise.

Another thing is that Theo and I are Facebook friends. I look at his page consistently, as I adore looking at the pictures of him. His page prominently featured the word "SINGLE" next to his picture. Seeing that word made me wince. I asked him if once we seal the deal and make it official, if he'd at the very least, take down the word. No need to label himself in a relationship, as I know he's private. But at least take down the damned word. His response was a simple "no problem." No fighting, no defensiveness. It's gone now. I asked him to remove it and he did.

Here's a man whose only spent a few weeks with me and he's already making future plans and respecting my wishes. I'm sure that the average woman would look at my things that Theo has done and remark on how astonishingly low my  expectations are. And they'd be right.

The fact is that I've always been low-maintenance. All I've ever wanted was a man to love me and love on me as hard as I love him. And I've kissed a lot of frogs. Lord knows what Theo and I will become. But I love how this feels. I love being adored. I love it that he texts me randomly to ask what I'm doing. I love that I can call/text him at any time of day or night and he responds. I love that he randomly calls me beautiful. I love that when I ask him about a date night, he tells me that he's down for anything.

I recall a guy friend telling me how his woman had essentially planted her flag on him and how that was the best way to get a man. He said that she pretty much showed up at his house and never left. And considering that he just posted that she just gave birth to his baby, maybe there's something to this. I briefly considered his advice in the past, but that was never my style. I wanted to be wanted, rather than just clinging to a man, for the sake of clinginess. But Theo is different. I want to cook for him. I want to lay in bed with him and cuddle. I want to binge on Netflix until we fall asleep holding one another. Theo is never getting rid of me. I'm his. And he's mine.

He's also great at making me feel okay about the future. Sometimes I fear that we're only infatuated with one another because things are new. You know, that whole "honeymoon phase." But he's even great about calming my fears about this being more than just an infatuation. He's told me, point blank, that he intends to be with me and he's done looking. He's always saying "I've never met a woman like you" and loving my spirit. He compliments my sense of humor and when I'm downplaying my intelligence, he actually told me that he thinks my intelligence is sexy. Woo child!

All of the times that I've been made to feel worthless and only worthy of a romp in the bed, here's a guy that honors me, listens to me, and makes me feel like the only woman in the world. He wants me to be his and only his. And I want to give him all of me. I'm finally moving toward getting what I deserve. Hooray for progress. And Theo. And love.