So this thing with Theo is new, but it's exciting. Its adventurous. It's warm. I've never been so excited to get to know a man. Sometimes I have to check myself and remind myself that in this adult world of dating, we put our partner or our budding relationship before other stuff. I'm learning to consider myself a retired hot girl, rather than the fanciful Malika we've all come to know and love. Lord lol.
When I'd first returned to Atlanta in early August, to define things as a struggle would be an understatement. When I wasn't sleeping in shitty hotels, I was sleeping on my friend's floor (which I'm eternally grateful for). I was working as a pool monitor, a job I lucked up on as my friend was president of his HOA. But as time went on, I landed a pretty nice 2 bedroom townhouse in addition to a job in my field. Outside of lacking the plentiful furniture I once had, I once again, landed on my feet.
My new job was a stretch at first, but as time went on, I grew to enjoy it. Among my first days at the job, I encountered a guy I'll call Tim. As I was trying hard to just keep my nose clean and pay my rent, I ignored my attraction to Tim. We instinctively began trading insults during our first meeting and I admit, I was smitten early on.
But then Theo came in as the whirlwind that he is, and any remote thoughts I had of Tim were stamped out. Theo did something no man ever did. He staked his claim. He knew he wanted me, he told me and he showed me. I'd be a complete fool to even consider anyone other than Theo. But Tim and I maintained our friendship, but I've made sure to let Tim know where he stands. Theo is bae. He's boo. He's number one, period. Tim is just my friend and that's all he will ever be.
Today, Tim confessed his feelings for me, but stated that he knows how I feel about Theo and that he absolutely wouldn't try to cross any boundaries. But he admitted, that he couldn't put his finger on it. Exactly what it is that he's so drawn to. It ain't just looks. And I know what it is. I just didn't think it would be a good idea to answer.
The fact is that Tim is a strong representative of who and where I once was- fearful of commitment, unfamiliar with healthy affection, cozying up to fly by night attachment in its place. I wanted to explain it to him, but I feared that doing so would only create a bond that I don't want to create. It isn't that I don't like Tim. I think he's great. But he's a representative of the old me. The confused me. The fly by night me. And I'm no longer giving her air. She needs to die.
As I learn to embrace healthy living and being, I have to abandon habits and situations that don't serve me. Tim is dope af and I wish nothing but the best for him. And I hope he finds what he's looking for. Because he's not looking for Malika. He just thought he was.
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