A little before Halloween, I'd realized that the holidays were coming. I hit my childhood friend and informed her that I planned to cover her home in Christmas lights. She wondered why I'd do such a thing and I told her because I felt like it. Thankfully she knows how I am so she knows to expect a big, light, bright, loud, tacky, over the top display. I even told Fred that I may make him assist me, although he said that sounds too much like "manual labor" for his taste. Good thing I don't really care what he wants.
But amazingly, the closer I got to the holidays, the better things got. I'd started planning on buying gifts, something I wasn't able to do the previous years. I've already bought a few gifts for Pumpkin and Pookie's mom. I'm planning to buy stuff for my homegirls, my family and of course Pookie. Yesterday Pookie made the turkey and the collards, while I knocked out the mac and cheese, stuffing, gravy, and sweet potato souffle. My dad hit me up to ask what we were doing and if we were eating. He asked to come by and I told him truthfully that we hadn't prepared enough for 4 others. He said that he understood and asked if we'd like to host Christmas here at my home, and that he'd supply the food. I told him that I'd be honored. But then I had to run it by Pookie.
Pookie said that he didn't really want the responsibility of cooking and hosting. I grew silent and went out on the patio to sit alone. I didn't mean to. It wasn't the silent treatment. He asked if I was okay and I said yes. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. It's just that hosting Christmas would be yet another sign that I was finally coming into my own as an adult. He continued to look at my face and he agreed that we could host.
I stayed out on the patio and wanted to share with him how I'd felt. How happy I was. I wanted to hug him and thank him for everything. I just ordered my GRE book to get ready to enter grad school. My son, who was barely verbal this time last year, now talks until I just want to smack him. Pookie, who a year ago I just wanted to walk away from is my boyfriend and we are exclusive. Better yet, we aren't just together because he messed up and he's trying to make amends for his bad behavior. Instead we're on the same page and truly care for one another. It's not uncommon for me to call out to him, "Baby!" when I need his attention. I prayed for a job this time last year and was so disappointed when I didn't get the job I went for back then. Later on I got my current job where I make my own schedule, get to work with kids, and I got inspired to go back to school. Truthfully, if I'd gotten that other job, I imagine that I'd still be there, and that I would be making more than I do now, but I wouldn't have the vision to see as clearly and focused as I do now with my current career path. I wanted to walk up to Pookie and thank him so much for holding me down and loving me when I didn't always love myself.
Later in the evening I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I thanked him and told him that for the first time in my adult life, I'm so happy. Things are perfect. This is the first time I've looked forward to Christmas since I was 16. For the first time, I feel in control. I've got the most beautiful and wonderful friends and sisters that a girl could ask for. I'm more confident than I've ever been. It's like my dark cloud has lifted and I'm free to love myself and others. I still get irritated, but overall I don't think that I could be shaken. I had to do a lot and shake a lot of folks to get where I am, but I wouldn't change it all for anything.
I'm finally getting where I'm supposed to be.
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