Sunday, November 28, 2010

List Days

Goodness only knows that there are many days that I sing the praises of Pookie. He's tall, handsome, strong, dependable, stable, etc. He's what I need on so many days. But there are some days where I have to ask myself if he's truly where I need to be. Sometimes he'll do or say things that remind me of why in the back of my mind we just aren't meant to be together. When that happens, it's like it's just another thing to add to the list of things that make me think that we're on borrowed time.

I love how stable he is. Not just financially, but overall. He's the guy to stick with if you always want the 401k's and good advice on your career. We've got our son well on his way to being fully prepared for school. Pookie has spent many hours helping our son with letters, colors, and numbers. A year ago he could barely speak and now he's pretty much up there with other kids his age. For a happy household, Pookie is where I need to be.

But sometimes I go through things that make me shout in my head all over again that this isn't where I should be. I've learned to compartmentalize, but I feel that doing so isn't fair to anyone involved. The other day, after I'd met with my confused little homegirl, I wanted to bad to vent my frustrations. I called a few of my friends to tell them about my time with old girl and of course they were as shocked as I was. I wanted to hit Pookie and tell him, but I knew that he wouldn't share my outrage, my hurt, my confusion. Instead of driving straight home after my long day with her, instead I drove to the one person that I could vent to. I went to see Him. Despite him being busy doing some cleaning, he took the time to listen do me. He shared my "what the fuck?!" of the whole situation. I could see on his face that he was surprised and saddened about the girl not knowing her history.

I told him that I missed our time together. He said that he agreed that we did share some good times hanging out. Then he looked at me and said "next lifetime?" All I could say was, "do you know that you're the fourth guy to claim my next lifetime? Apparently, dating in my next four lifetimes are gonna be incredible." Seriously, I always meet fantastic guys and somehow miss them because I've got one idiotic boyfriend or another and/or the guys have girlfriends (not that Pookie is an idiot). He laughed and said that still, when we do get our chance, things will be magical.

I love Pookie so much that I want him to be the guy that I share myself with. It's so frustrating to be with the "love of my life" but to feel that I can't always truly open up and be who and what I am. Which goes into another point on the list. I often think that he wants me to be something or someone that I'm not. I've been a free spirit since the day I was born. I can't help it. People love that about me though. I'm so easy going and comfortable in my own skin that even my enemies really want to be my friend. Sometimes I wish that Pookie could look at me and see me for the loving, outgoing, charming woman that I really am. Instead I feel that he often looks at me and sees me for what I'm not. It's amazing how I'd spent so much of my life hating myself that the moment I finally learn to love myself, I've got someone that's trying to tweak me.

Don't get me wrong, he's done a lot of good for me. He showed me that I'm not the fat ass that I thought I was and he's got me wearing better clothes and looking more like a girl. He's helped me to get a career path and he's going to help me get through grad school, the same way he helped me to get through undergrad. But sometimes when my inner hippie emerges, he rolls his eyes. When I make silly jokes, he often doesn't understand that I'm kidding and he looks at me like I'm an idiot. If I say that I don't like a song, a movie, or an artist, he questions my tastes and acts as though I'm an uncouth, uneducated ignoramus. For the record, my cd collection includes Frank Sinatra, Harry Connick Jr, Barry Manilow, Stevie Wonder and many others. Just because I don't like some rap artists does not mean that I'm unaware or unable to appreciate good music. He doesn't like the soundtrack to "Purple Rain" (wtf?!) but I don't judge him based on that. Among my favorite movies is Citizen Kane and Goodfellas. Just because I didn't like "Godfather," that doesn't make me a moron.

When I want to save the world by going above and beyond for my kids and/or I bend over backwards for my friends, he questions me and my motives. He gets annoyed when I drop what I'm doing to help a friend in need. He doesn't quite understand that my friends are my family and that I'll take a bullet for my family. The same friends that he gets annoyed at me for going to pick up when they're stranded, are the same friends that will watch Pumpkin when we're in a crunch and need a sitter. On the other hand, Him would totally understand that and support it. Next lifetime? *sigh*

I've also recognized that while Him is the man that can always satisfy my emotional needs, Fred is the man that can always satisfy me sexually. Although Pookie is undeniably the best lover I've ever had, Fred brings a magnetism to the table that is unlike anything I've ever seen. Fred is so confident and sometimes downright cocky. I've said before that Fred ain't the marryin' type, but sexually, he draws women like a moth to a flame. There's something about his swag, his confidence and his air that make him unstoppable. I've told myself that if I ever get married, I cannot allow myself to be alone with Fred. Seriously, he can go from touching your knee to having your shirt off in 15 minutes. He's calm, cool, sexy. You don't even realize what's going on until your legs are in the air. Although Pookie is the man that I would most likely spend the rest of my life with, sometimes I wish that he had the same fire that Fred has. Fred is so exciting. The last time I saw him, things were suppose to be platonic but when he turns himself on, even the most innocent visit can turn naughty. Needless to say, I only hang with him in groups now that I'm committed.

The irony is that Pookie could totally have the same amount of sexual energy, but he holds himself back. Its like he's afraid to let go, to be vulnerable, to trust and believe in who he is. I believe in him, but until he fully believes in himself, he'll never have what Fred has. Fred knows and believes that he can have any woman he wants, and he does them as he wishes. He's adventurous and exciting. There's nothing he fears intimately and it makes him so desirable. And the women love him for it. I've seen Fred be over arrogant and he was a turn off, but later on, I wanted him just the same.

I want for Pookie to open up and trust in himself. I want him to fully know that he's the love of my life so sexually he can be as confident and open as he wants. I won't judge him, I won't reject him, I won't ridicule him. I just want him to explore himself as deeply as he needs to in order to get past his mental block of imperfection.

If only I could get the stability of Pookie, with the emotional intelligence of Him, and the sexual prowess of Fred, my world would be complete. But I guess I can't. I've got to accept Pookie just how he is. Hopefully, one day, he can do the same thing for me.

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