A change is gonna come?

This therapy stuff has been deep. I knew when I went in on Thursday that I was going to have a lot to unpack. I'd been in my feels about some changes in my life. I didn't expect to mention Pete, but the second I said his name, I fell into tears. Dr. D pointed out that every time I mention his name, I start crying again. It's been 8 years since he died. It was only 5 months together, but still, that short amount of time has meant so much to me.

We then went on to talk about other aspects of my life. I discussed the wins and the losses. I'm here at 8 months sans dique and I'm just as happy about it now as I've been about it in the past. I'm grateful for the peace this 8 months has brought to me. The clarity. It's Labor Day weekend, and no partying for me. I gotta work, but even if I didn't, I'd likely be chilling at home, taking it all in.

And in spite of my dedication to singlehood and the ultimate freedom, like life often does, it threw me a massive curveball. There is a man from my past. I mean deep into my past. Very few of my close friends knew of him, until he came back around recently. He likes me. He's always liked me, from the very beginning. And I liked him too. He's always lamented that we should have gotten married and had a house full of babies. 

Looking back, had I gotten married in my early 20s, I'd have made a horrible wife and mother. I didn't understand or value partnership the way I know to understand it now. I would have been bogged down with babies and never got to travel or go to school. I would have hated my life and there's no doubt that we would have grown to resent one another. Most importantly, I would have missed the journey that made me the woman I am today. Before I started working with Dr. D, I'd confessed to my friend that I felt that I was in need of therapy, for fear that if we'd ended up together, I'd end up cheating, and I never wanted to hurt him. He seemed confused and wanted answers that I didn't have. I didn't even have a man in mind that I'd possibly cheat with, I just knew that I wasn't in a space to give my all to someone. But things are different now. I'm different. I'm a far more healed version of myself. This is the best version of me. And I truly feel that I grow better with each passing day.

He was willing to jump into things when we reconnected recently, but I've been moving far slower. Deeply slower. But I love talking to him. I just need to thoroughly vet and make sure that this is the person I'm willing to emotionally invest in. I refuse to come up out of my peaceful bubble for any man or situation that does not serve me or contribute to my happiness. 

I had a difficult moment with a person close me recently, and I immediately called him to dissect things and he assured me that I was doing okay. I like that he likes me. That's so cliched, but after feeling that many of the men I loved in the past didn't really like me, they liked what I brought to the table, in terms of sex and attention, this is a person who genuinely likes talking to me and appreciating me. I'm taking my time and creating a healthy distance, while getting to know honest versions of one another.

I'm moving slowly. Sloth slow. Still not coming up off of the snatch anytime soon. But for the first time in what seems like forever, I'm starting to feel safe with another person. And I value that. I don't care about sex (or lack thereof). I care about feeling heard and secure. No rush at all. But I value that I'm finally starting to realize what real affection, attention, and dedication looks like. I'm grateful.