Blank

Dres died on June 9th. I got a tshirt made that prominently displayed his face. I wore it the night we celebrated him at the site of the original MJQ. I love that tshirt. I've almost worn it a few times since then, but I never could. I even hung it outside of my closet, staring at it on occasion.

Friday was the first time I've worn it since then, even though I'd struggled with the idea. Today, I opted to wear the Monster Energy Drink jacket he'd given me in passing one day. People still message me to check in on how I am. And the cold, honest truth is that I wasn't prepared for how much this would hurt. I look back at my annoyances with him, and I hate that I wasn't more patient. Thankfully, Dres whispered to me that we were family, and family doesn't always see eye to eye.

Friday also happened to be the day that a shooting happened in the Emory/CDC area. My son goes to school right next to the area, and I love the Emory campus. I'd considered applying to get my PhD there. I frequent the bookstore there. On Friday, after dropping my son off, I'd considered stopping at a coffeehouse in the area. For some reason, I remember looking a bit longer at a sub shop out there. The coffeehouse is right across the street from the CVS where the shooter was and the sub shop was right next to the CVS. I feel like my spirit knew something was gonna happen.

I walked into that coffeehouse today and I saw a uniformed officer standing in line, and I took one look at him and wanted to burst into tears. I just hate this world I'm walking into and leaving for my son. In some strange way, I'm glad that Dres no longer has to deal with whatever is about to happen. Shit is about to get real. Now my concern is getting my baby out of high school. 290 days. That's all. Just get through that part, and I can get my life back.

Book 2 is wrapping up, spoke with my agent about renaming the first book, which has been a whole ordeal. It's true, the first name wouldn't have given the message I wanted it to give. Next, I have to get editing/copywriting done and work on my online presence. My cousin, Doc, wrote a book and I'd like to put parts of his book into mine. Doc did a damned good job on it. I'm so proud of him.

I don't know why I'm so blank. There's just so much to take in and make sense of. I also feel so weird being so connected to people and scenes about major news stories. My other homeboy also did music with Malcolm Jamal Warner. He was the first person I though of when I saw stories about the drowning. I'm just a nobody. I'm lil' old Malika. But I look around and feel like I'm being swallowed. Help.