Mindful Detachment

Ugh. So I'm proud of myself, but sometimes I miss my petty side. As I worked on my journal today at work, I had an epiphany of sorts. I need to detach. Earlier in the day, I met with a woman who asked me to mentor her. She's new to town and trying to land a job and meet up with a few people I'm connected with. I told her that I don't play about my mentorship and I'm all about accountability. She said she needed that. I got her resume updated under my care. Then it was time for me to head to work.

My first caller of the night contacted me and he was angry, and I was annoyed. By the end of the call, the man told me that I should be a therapist and that I helped him so much. I've heard it several times at work from people I speak with and I struggle to accept that. While I work, I picked up my journal and picked up from where I was last.

Today's entry was about mindfulness. Right up my alley. It called for me to meditate on my mindfulness intention. Again, right up my alley. But I wasn't being completely honest with myself. I was troubled. I needed to detach. I started to feel that what was mine was no longer mine and it held me in a negative loop. It became clear to me that I need to detach. The beautiful thing is that detachment isn't the hurt  to me that it once was. I genuinely find beauty in it now. Leaving things as they are, to be weightless just makes sense when you're being held down by negativity.

In short, I decided that I need to step away from my blog space for a while. I love my blog. It is home. It is my safe space. Or at least it was. I will always write. I will always grow and bloom. But I need to eradicate myself from toxic spaces and forces and be light. Not sure when I'll pop up again. Could be weeks or months. Or I may just rename this and find a new safe space, where I can keep all of my entries collected safely together. Or maybe just start another blog entirely? Sounds like a good idea. I dunno tho. I don't really care. But I know that I owe it to myself to move forward, without the weight of shadows. The crazy thing is that I'm not sad or mad. I'm apathetic, but in the most beautiful way. I'm apathetic because I accept that the extra weight that I'm carrying is not good for my soul and I owe it to myself to pursue what makes me happy. True joy is being able to find happiness internally, no matter what you face externally. And there I was.

I'll admit, this was a bit of a last minute decision. But the more I think about it, the more I like it. I've outgrown this space. It's still mine. These are my words, and they carried me and sheltered me through a very chaotic period in my life. But I'm ready to move into another space. I deserve that. I don't consider myself "crazy" and I certainly don't consider my life "hard." Those were only things I encountered when I struggled with myself. I no longer do.

Coincidentally, I've been heavily watching Angela White's transition from Blac Chyna and I have been cheering her on so much. I am so beyond proud of her. I love to see people win anyway, but I light up from inside out when I watch a Black woman win. Some have accused her of exploiting her growth for coins. Obviously, I'll never know what is in the heart of another human being. But one of my favorite videos was when she got her facial fillers removed.

I love how innocent she was during that whole thing. She was almost childlike, her eyes so big. It was all so new and refreshing for her. Her voice high and light. She was clearly stepping into a new space and I was so happy for her.
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So here it is, the following day, since I never got to submit my post from yesterday. I woke up and pondered on my day. With my child away, I decided to focus on some cleaning and decluttering. I already felt lighter. I knew that I needed to finish off this blog the right way. I debated going to my favorite local coffeehouse, but I chose not to. I needed to take advantage of my energy boost and clean up and just focus and go internal for a while.

My new therapist has talked about me taking meds. I explained to her that my weird tolerance makes it so that my ADHD medication only works for a day or two. Four max. And then it does nothing. It's so frustrating. I've just had to learn new coping mechanisms, but the meds make me so much more functional. I once asked a pharmacist about this, and he said "I don't know, maybe you have a super liver or something." Trust me, that's not nearly as cool as it sounds.

While I was calling around, I decided to check in with my best friend about my new favorite thing, the Afro Unicorn.

While there, we checked in on other things. I told her that I'd been chatting with a local artist who is well-known. He invited me to attend an Art Walk in Asheville in a few weeks. I told her that I'm considering it, but I'm really trying to focus on putting all of my money into my upcoming birthday trip. Plus I'm not sure he's ready to move past his last relationship. Truthfully, I don't care. I'd be okay if we're just friends for a while. I'm not in any kind of rush to get serious with anyone. 

I told bestie that I offered a few hundred bucks to a mutual friend of Fred and mine, so I can crash at her spot for a few when I land in LA. She agreed. She's a creative and well-connected. I really like her. Bestie asked if I plan to see Fred while I'm there. I answered plainly, "nope." 

Fact is that I don't have anything against Fred in this space. I don't hate him. I don't resent him. I don't regret our time together. I appreciate the good. And there were a lot of good times. But I'm ready to move into something else. And that's why I think this is a good place to leave this particular blog. 

Far before I began to follow Buddhism, one of my favorite parts in the movie "What's Love Got to Do With It?" was (not the limo scene) when in court, how Tina Turner wanted nothing but her name when leaving Ike. She didn't want the fancy cars or furs or jewelry. She wanted her name. And I didn't get it at the time, but I certainly do now. She detached herself. She did that to be free. Because I finally realized that only when you detach yourself of worldly things can you really be free to live your life without restrictions, worry, and doubt. I get it now. And I can recognize how my attachment here only fueled another person's unhealthy attachment to me, and in order to try to get my peace back, I gotta peace out.

I'm really starting to see the amazing impact that Buddhism and mindfulness has had on me. I feel freer than I have in my whole life. No excuses. No hostility. No turmoil. I don't feel the need to compare myself to anyone or answer to anyone. I feel perfectly perfect in my own skin. I am eternally grateful for this journey, which was ironically created when I was at my lowest and in the midst of chaos. Yet again, someone causing me pain ultimately saved me from myself. And I'm honestly genuinely grateful. But that doesn't mean that I have to or even should stay here.

I took the Facebook app off of my phone. I still occasionally check in, obviously. But I really want to free myself of attachments. I want to be more present for myself and the people I love. I'm excited to be working to bring so many of my family together this summer. I'm going to travel away from the continental States for the first time in my life. I'm really geeked to be getting into a healthy regimen and considering taking up Zumba. My laptop is clearly on its last leg, and the timing could definitely be better, as I have a big trip, followed by a move to a new apartment in a few months. But I have so much to look forward to. New laptop, new places to visit, new exercise regimen, new home. A whole new world and a new me to explore.

And I can explore and express that anywhere. Or maybe not? And if I do, does it have to be here? I don't think so either.