Changes

So yeah, this boyfriend thing is taking some getting used to. The fact is that I've never had a man that so dedicated himself to me, but now that I'm in this, that means that I have to be dedicated as well. Absolutely no cheating, and zero desire to look at other men. Theo is kind of the jealous type. He wants me to himself, which is alright by me. Because no man has ever done so much to earn me. But one thing I hadn't really thought about up until this point- my guy friends.

I've got a lot of them, and these are some tight relationships. We've broken bread, watched each others' children, given one another money, all of that. It isn't uncommon for me to tell my guy friends that I love them. One of my closest guy friends is someone I used to stay at his house late at night, talking, even while I was in a "relationship" with my son's father. Now that I'm with Theo, it has occurred to me that I can't keep up that kind of stuff. One of my close guy friends told me that he's already stopped calling me late at night, which I guess is good, because I know Theo wouldn't appreciate that. But that was something he did often before, as a truck driver. 

It sucks, because I've always been the woman who said that no matter what, I'd never give up my guy friends. And I still won't. But I'll admit, I gotta scale back. Theo and I are talking about what kind of couch to get for the living room. I want a sectional, and he wants a recliner in it. It's all so "adult." I always wanted that. I just imagine his feet up, watching the game, with his arm around me and I lean on him, reading. #Domesticated

It's going to suck not being able to show affection to some of my guy friends. But Theo wants me loving and loving on him, as the primary man in my life (outside of my son). I was kind of apprehensive about how willing I was to give up that side of myself. But I had a conversation with my cousin and his wife. My cousin, Ali, actually reminds me a lot of Theo. Both are very alpha male, and care deeply for their women and families. I asked Ali's wife if she had to scale back her relationships with platonic male friends when she got with my cousin, and she admitted, that yes, that was something. she had to do. I've also heard other married friends admit that when they got married, they scaled back their friendships with members of the opposite sex. And those that did have the happiest and strongest marriages. That's when I knew what I had to do. 

Another change is that Theo is a clothes horse. So. Many. Shoes. He prides himself on looking good, and he wants his woman looking good with him. As I mentioned, he'd gotten my nails done, but that same day, he bought me a Coach purse, and some new sneakers from the Finish Line. I tried to decline, but he insisted. So now, here I am, looking like a million dollars, with a man who makes me feel like a billion.

Another thing that Theo has been working on changing is how I view myself. He recently told me that he recently made a major life change based on me being around and my mouth dropped. "You did that for me?!" I asked. I couldn't believe that he wanted me so bad after our first date, and he was already making decisions about us. I told him that I couldn't believe it and his statement was a simple "stop being so hard on yourself." Truthfully, had I known, I would have tried to talk him out of it. I would have said that I wasn't worth it. But clearly, he thought that I was. I have a bad habit of "jokingly" talking negatively about myself. It isn't uncommon for me to verbalize "My dumbass did..." and he'll immediately stop me and say "I don't like when you talk like that, don't say that." My self talk is already more positive. 

I adore Theo. I trust him. So if I have to give less bear hugs to guy friends and not be so free throwing around words like "I love you," I'll do it. Because I'm loving this ride with him, and he makes me feel secure. That's what a man is supposed to do. And my man does that.

Malika As A Girlfriend

I'm thankful for Theo. I guess that's a great way to start this post, since today (the day I wrote this) is actually Thanksgiving. I'll be honest and say that parts of this are challenging. Theo and I are pretty different. He's way more committal than me, which is a pretty good thing, because one of us needs to be.

I've also had to grow with him physically. Like I'm really having to get used to having him in my presence as my actual boyfriend. I like it though. I feel protected and safe with him. The other morning I pulled out my ice scraper to take the ice off of my windshield, and he took the scraper from me and told me to get in the car. After he was done with the ice scraper, he got back in the car and reminded me that having a man in my life means that I don't have to do tasks like that. Another time, after we finished grocery shopping, he told me not to touch the bags and allow him and my son to bring the groceries in.

That's the stuff that makes me adore him and be glad he's in my life. There's other stuff though that I struggle with. I don't consider myself an "independent woman" in so much, an "independent person." I haven't had a serious boyfriend really since my son's father. Sure there were were a few men I'd committed to for a while, but nothing with any real teeth, although I did love and care about those men. 

But now that I'm learning to be in something serious, I have to learn to exist in this. Being a part of a couple. Introducing him as "my boyfriend." I've been made to feel bad for asking men for anything, but he really wants me to ask for stuff. And not so he can hold it against me. As I get ready to hang out with my family for the holiday, he gave me a few bucks to get my nails done. And it isn't about the money. I had to have a discussion with myself about Love Languages and I realized that his is gifts. Mine is acts of service and words of affirmation. So he's not trying to buy me. He's showing me that he cares in his own way. I'm enamored. 

I'm also having to be more mindful of how I carry myself with my guy friends. I had a question for him about sexual preferences and ideas. I asked him and he refused to answer. I reminded him that he'd consider it disrespectful if I asked any of my previous love conquests about bedroom antics, so I opted instead to ask him. 

I've always been a woman to swear that I'd never get rid of anyone! My friends are my friends til the end! But Theo has given me something to think about. He's not like the other men that wanted all of me and put nothing into a relationship. Theo puts his money where his mouth is. He adores me and he tells me. We go on dates. I tell him what I want and need and he delivers. And he tells me what he wants and needs and I'm front and center. I hope things continue to go well between us. I like me, I like him, and I like me and him together. I'm a girlfriend. I'm his girlfriend.

New and Old

So this thing with Theo is new, but it's exciting. Its adventurous. It's warm. I've never been so excited to get to know a man. Sometimes I have to check myself and remind myself that in this adult world of dating, we put our partner or our budding relationship before other stuff. I'm learning to consider myself a retired hot girl, rather than the fanciful Malika we've all come to know and love. Lord lol. 

When I'd first returned to Atlanta in early August, to define things as a struggle would be an understatement. When I wasn't sleeping in shitty hotels, I was sleeping on my friend's floor (which I'm eternally grateful for). I was working as a pool monitor, a job I lucked up on as my friend was president of his HOA. But as time went on, I landed a pretty nice 2 bedroom townhouse in addition to a job in my field. Outside of lacking the plentiful furniture I once had, I once again, landed on my feet.

My new job was a stretch at first, but as time went on, I grew to enjoy it. Among my first days at the job, I encountered a guy I'll call Tim. As I was trying hard to just keep my nose clean and pay my rent, I ignored my attraction to Tim. We instinctively began trading insults during our first meeting and I admit, I was smitten early on.

But then Theo came in as the whirlwind that he is, and any remote thoughts I had of Tim were stamped out. Theo did something no man ever did. He staked his claim. He knew he wanted me, he told me and he showed me. I'd be a complete fool to even consider anyone other than Theo. But Tim and I maintained our friendship, but I've made sure to let Tim know where he stands. Theo is bae. He's boo. He's number one, period. Tim is just my friend and that's all he will ever be.

Today, Tim confessed his feelings for me, but stated that he knows how I feel about Theo and that he absolutely wouldn't try to cross any boundaries. But he admitted, that he couldn't put his finger on it. Exactly what it is that he's so drawn to. It ain't just looks. And I know what it is. I just didn't think it would be a good idea to answer.

The fact is that Tim is a strong representative of who and where I once was- fearful of commitment, unfamiliar with healthy affection, cozying up to fly by night attachment in its place. I wanted to explain it to him, but I feared that doing so would only create a bond that I don't want to create. It isn't that I don't like Tim. I think he's great. But he's a representative of the old me. The confused me. The fly by night me. And I'm no longer giving her air. She needs to die. 

As I learn to embrace healthy living and being, I have to abandon habits and situations that don't serve me. Tim is dope af and I wish nothing but the best for him. And I hope he finds what he's looking for. Because he's not looking for Malika. He just thought he was.

Loved On

In my last conversation with my beloved cousin, Jarronn, he'd just gotten married just over 2 months ago, to a beautiful woman named Jessica. Jarronn was always the cousin who had his shit together. And then there was me. Jarronn graduated from high school with honors. I barely had enough credits to cross the stage. Jarronn also graduated college with honors and on time. I graduated, at the age of 28, after attending 3 colleges. Jarronn had a good paying job with Johnson and Johnson, met a beautiful and intelligent woman, and decided to marry her and start a family. I lived through failed relationship after failed relationship. To put it mildly, Jarronn had his shit together. And then there was me.

Our last conversation was sparked by me seeing the picture of that motorcycle on his Facebook page. I called and told him not to ride it. He assured me he was safe. It was our first actual conversation in ages. I asked how he knew that Jessica was the one. He said to me "it was just easy. We didn't argue. No games. We just got each other and we got along great." Jarronn died a couple of weeks later, from a motorcycle accident.

I still think back on his words from time to time. I think about how much I've grown in terms of men and maintaining my peace and boundaries, while acknowledging and no longer making excuses for red flags. I've made a commitment to myself that I'll no longer tolerate disrespect and b.s. And while it has significantly cut down on drama headaches in my life, it has also significantly scaled back on potential mates, a trade I've made peace with.

My online dating pattern is like this- download Tinder and log into Facebook dating. Swipe right a few times, swipe left a multitude of times. The guys I swipe right on are full of shit or extremely dull. Or they make it known that they only want sex. I get irritated, and take down both accounts in 2 weeks, try again in 3-6 months. Sometimes  I rejoin because I'm hopeful. Other times are because I'm lonely. Or because I'm bored. They all essentially end with my being thankful that I'm single because none of the men I met were worth the data it took to communicate with them.

I don't know why I did, but I recently logged back on, not waiting my traditional 3-6 months, instead waiting only a week or so. I was disappointed with one and logged off. But then I saw a guy on the other one. "He's cute" I thought. I swiped right. I was amazed that he spoke first. I'll call him Theo. He was nice. A man of few words. But he communicated well. We exchanged numbers quickly. I remained skeptical, as always. I've honestly become accustomed to being disappointed by men. I show up on the off chance that he won't be a complete piece of shit, but my luck hasn't shown me that will be my lot in life. We texted a bit, but then I encountered the strangest experience while in traffic. It was too long to text, so I asked if I could call him. He said sure, so I  called and excitedly explained the strange man with a huge lump on his arm that had a tattoo of an eyeball on it. I thought to myself that he more than likely thought that I was a raging lunatic, but I didn't care. It felt good to have someone to vent to. That's all I've really wanted all along- to be hear, a man to vent to.

Our communication was brief. The next morning Theo texted me and stated that he'd been thinking about me all night. I was honestly kind of thrown by that. "He doesn't even know me" I thought to myself. We texted a bit more. He seemed nice. Conversations flowed well as we began to open up about ourselves. At some point, we decided to meet. He happened to be staying only 2 exits away from me. I went to meet up, not expecting much. As he was new to Atlanta, I was charged with showing him the city. I drove him all over Downtown, Midtown, and Buckhead. We laughed easily.

Before ending the night, we stopped at my favorite seafood spot, The Juicy Crab. We joked about which is a better song to walk down the aisle to, International Players Anthem or Space Age Pimpin'. At some point, I looked up at him and said "are we really having this discussion?" "Yep!" he easily replied. By the end of the night, I wanted to kiss him. But I didn't. I didn't want to move too quickly.

The second time we hung out, two days later, we did a bit of driving around Decatur. Sure, I could have invited him into my home, but I'm not in the habit of introducing my son to new men until I'm sure things are solid. I could have gone to his hotel room, (not that he asked) but I know me and I know that would have sent things in a place I wasn't ready for (although I certainly remained curious).

Our third hang out session (the following day) was before his trip home to Ohio to tie up loose ends. We held hands. We laughed. And it felt right. It felt natural. He never waned from making me feel desired and adored. He told me that he cared about me. This time, we just went to the park and sat in the car. He'd still not been in my home and I still hadn't seen the inside of his hotel. On top of it all, he never even asked me to step into his room with him. That impressed me. So many men would have invited me up the second or third time. I confessed to him that I'd certainly desired to see it, but I didn't want to move too fast and mess things up. He said "Malika, I have self-control." I responded with "I don't." He expressed that he understood and didn't want to do anything to mess things up either. Before he left to get on his plane, in true Malika fashion, I said to him "I guess, I'll kinda halfway miss you." He responded with "well, I'll definitely miss you." I was smitten.

Since then, the communication has gotten even stronger. He'd expected to be back the following week, but he wasn't. I miss him and I told him so. He told me he missed me back. I went on and let it be known, "if I fuck you, we go together." He agreed. He makes me feel safe. Secure. Warm. He feels so familiar, in an unfamiliar way. I've never felt so wanted and desired. I continue to fear that he'll leave and never return. I admitted to him that I'm a bit of a spaz. The oldest of 6 sisters, and many other women in his family, he said he's used to dramatic women. Lord, you made this man for me!

Sometime during the summer, my coworker in Cali said something about Attachment Types. Being the curious woman that I am, I looked it up, only to discover that I am definitely an anxious attachment type. I want them around, but I constantly fear that they'll leave I tend to cling to men that clearly are not as into me. But I think they chose me because in their detachment, they know that my anxious ass would never leave. What I'd learned about myself in that was that I needed to attract a different kind of man. 

But Theo's not detached. He wants nothing more than to have a woman up under him constantly. Which is funny, because I've rejected so many men because of their desire to keep me caged up. He wants me with him and he verbalizes it. But he's not clingy or needy. He isn't codependent and unhealthy. Nope, that's more so me. But he wants to be kept and adored, which is all I want to do. It never ceases to amaze me that all of the things I've asked of other men, men who knew me longer, would never do.

At first when he left, Theo was gone for 4 days with no communication. My anxious ass just knew he was gone for good. I thought I'd never see him again, and that he'd ghost me like other men had done. He eventually texted me again, apologizing and explaining that he'd encountered some family drama at home. I told him that because of my past, I don't deal well with unexplained absences and I'd need some kind of acknowledgement so that I at least didn't blame myself for his absence. He then promised me that moving forward, we'd talk every day. And he's kept his promise.

Another thing is that Theo and I are Facebook friends. I look at his page consistently, as I adore looking at the pictures of him. His page prominently featured the word "SINGLE" next to his picture. Seeing that word made me wince. I asked him if once we seal the deal and make it official, if he'd at the very least, take down the word. No need to label himself in a relationship, as I know he's private. But at least take down the damned word. His response was a simple "no problem." No fighting, no defensiveness. It's gone now. I asked him to remove it and he did.

Here's a man whose only spent a few weeks with me and he's already making future plans and respecting my wishes. I'm sure that the average woman would look at my things that Theo has done and remark on how astonishingly low my  expectations are. And they'd be right.

The fact is that I've always been low-maintenance. All I've ever wanted was a man to love me and love on me as hard as I love him. And I've kissed a lot of frogs. Lord knows what Theo and I will become. But I love how this feels. I love being adored. I love it that he texts me randomly to ask what I'm doing. I love that I can call/text him at any time of day or night and he responds. I love that he randomly calls me beautiful. I love that when I ask him about a date night, he tells me that he's down for anything.

I recall a guy friend telling me how his woman had essentially planted her flag on him and how that was the best way to get a man. He said that she pretty much showed up at his house and never left. And considering that he just posted that she just gave birth to his baby, maybe there's something to this. I briefly considered his advice in the past, but that was never my style. I wanted to be wanted, rather than just clinging to a man, for the sake of clinginess. But Theo is different. I want to cook for him. I want to lay in bed with him and cuddle. I want to binge on Netflix until we fall asleep holding one another. Theo is never getting rid of me. I'm his. And he's mine.

He's also great at making me feel okay about the future. Sometimes I fear that we're only infatuated with one another because things are new. You know, that whole "honeymoon phase." But he's even great about calming my fears about this being more than just an infatuation. He's told me, point blank, that he intends to be with me and he's done looking. He's always saying "I've never met a woman like you" and loving my spirit. He compliments my sense of humor and when I'm downplaying my intelligence, he actually told me that he thinks my intelligence is sexy. Woo child!

All of the times that I've been made to feel worthless and only worthy of a romp in the bed, here's a guy that honors me, listens to me, and makes me feel like the only woman in the world. He wants me to be his and only his. And I want to give him all of me. I'm finally moving toward getting what I deserve. Hooray for progress. And Theo. And love.