I Had A Dream

After Pete died, I waited anxiously for my dream. You know, the one where people talk about their parents or Big Mama coming to them and telling them that everything will be okay. I felt like I should have my dream soon. Some dream where we had a conversation, offering some sense of closure. A sign from the other side, telling me that he'd made it and that things would be okay. It bothered me. I mean sure, I did have a few dreams with him in them, but nothing delivering a profound message. I actually got a bit jealous of other people, how they'd tell me that a loved one came to them in a dream, wrapped their arms around them and said that they would meet again. But I never got that. Until now.

Last night, I went to sleep as always, it was a typical evening. I went to sleep and was soon transformed to a hallway in my job. I was in a hallway with him, standing next to other clients. And his arm was around me. I dug my my head into his shoulders, comforted by his presence. I said something to him about the fact that he'd been gone for 2 years. He mentioned to me that it didn't feel that long to him at all. I continued to lean into him, and then with the blink of an eye, he was gone. Just like that. I looked up and I was being held up by the wall and Pete was gone again. I happened to be woken in that moment by my alarm. I lay in my bed, looking around, it was all a dream.

I just sat in my bed and felt the tears streaming down my face. It was so real. He was there with me. I felt him. I felt his strong arms latching on to me, making me feel secure and comforted. Loved, warm, and adored.

Spring has proven to be a challenge to me since Pete died. He died in early March, during a particularly warm late winter. It was a warm day when the news hit. I was driven home by colleagues, and after a crying fit to the gods, I woke that evening, and sat outside. I knew to look up at the stars, because there was no doubt in my mind that he was a star now. He was a star before, but undeniably now.

I spent a lot of time outside that spring. It made me feel so much closer to him. When spring hit this year, I realized just how much those small signs of spring all take me back to Him. I sat outside one day and observed the actual smell of spring. The slight smell of pollen, the smell of the greenery of the new flowers, the new grass growing. The sounds of the birds, the sound of bugs mating, it all creates one giant remembrance from right after he died. The original season of my grieving.

So anyway, I finally got my dream. My moment to feel close to him one more time. Perhaps the spring inspired it. Either way, I was ready. And I'm already for another one. Hopefully it won't take 2 more years. But if it does, I'm still ready.