Honesty and *sigh*

So I purposely haven't talked much about Luke on here. I get sick of my blog being an online fodder for the mess that is my dating life and I decided to scale back mentioning every dude that catches my eye, until he's put in some real time. But all the while, I was getting to know Luke. He lives out of town and we met online. Luke told me early on about the fact that he was going through a divorce after 23 years of marriage. They'd been separated for 8 months at the time, now 10 months.
Luke seemed pretty well adjusted. He did sometimes discuss the difficulty he'd faced in his new normal, but overall, he seemed to be handling it all like a champ.

Enter Friday. He texted me that morning (as he does pretty much every morning and evening), updating me that he'd had a stomach bug that messed him up the day before. I laughed and suggested some remedies to settle his stomach. Then no response. I texted him later in the evening to inquire how he was holding up. Again, crickets. I called the next morning to ask how he was. No response. *sigh* Here we go.

For a man who'd spent the last 2 months checking in several times throughout the day, something was wrong. He was probably either dead or reeling from the divorce. Death probably would have been easier for me to deal with. In his absence, I talked it all over with Davis, my temporary roommate. Davis couldn't believe that he'd been married for so much of his life, over half. He made a good point of stating that Luke didn't even really grow up by himself, so he has no idea what being alone really is. Davis pretty much said that dating a man like that right now would be essentially navigating a mine field. Davis advised me to cut my losses.

After hearing nothing all weekend, Luke texted me Monday. I was pretty salty about his absence, but I decided to play it cool and be patient. I texted later on to ask if he still intended to meet up with me this coming weekend. He responded with "oh, my bad, sorry, I can't make it." I finally just responded "is everything okay?' That's when he'd opened the floodgates that the previous holiday weekend (Easter) just got to him. The reality of the loss of his family and his marriage. It was all hitting him at once. I assured him that things were okay and that his emotions are valid. Being a social worker certainly seeps on into my personal life at times. I stated that if he still wants to meet up, we can just get coffee and talk instead, no pressure. He told me that he didn't want me to see him cry. I reminded him of my job and told him that he definitely wouldn't be the first man I'd seen cry. We kind of left the idea of a meet up in the air at that point.

At first I said to myself, "I can do this. I'll just play it cool and help him through this, and then perhaps once he's in a better space, we can pick back up the romance stuff." But then Sista Girl Malika kicked in. I reminded myself of the many men that I'd done the emotional labor for and with, helping them, encouraging them, staying up late on the phone with them as they poured out their hearts and souls to me. And then once they felt better, since I'd been friend-zoned by that point, they'd flaunt their happy new relationship in my face, and expect me to continue to cheer on their new happiness. I think, the fuck, not!!

I started to weigh if Luke was someone that I just needed to walk away from. If perhaps, 10 months out still isn't enough time for us to try to start casually dating. I decided to chat with Davis about Luke. I told Davis that I might just move forward, sharing my fears of doing the emotional legwork for Luke to go skipping into the sunset with a new woman. Davis, who doesn't always think on a lateral level, stated that I should continue to keep Luke in my space. I'd told him how Luke early on suggested that even if we didn't keep dating, that because I'm so dope (well, duh) he wanted to remain friends. I mean, I get it and all, but I'm not really here for that. I'm not getting brownie points for playing the patient savior here. That if I cut the ties, I mean it. I'd keep him as a Facebook friend, but I'd unfollow him and stop with the phone calls and text messages. I've made the mistake of making myself to available to men that had no intentions of pouring back into me too many times in the past. Davis tried to claim that I should keep him around me to build strength and have no expectations and other bullshit. I think, the fuck, not!! I'm not going to create extra work for myself, just to prove something. I don't have a damned thing to prove to myself or anyone else.

Luke texted me this morning, thanking me for my kind words and support yesterday. I stared at the text message for two hours before I responded with a simple "good morning and you're welcome." I happened to be listening to my new favorite song by Pink Sweat$ this morning, "Honesty", when one of the lyrics it home for me.

She said "what if I tell you all the things I've done?
Would you run away from me?
I told her "Baby, well all got bags full of shit that we don't want.
But I can't unpack it for you baby."

And that hit home. Because we do. And because I can't. Not sure how much further this will go on. Or if I even want it to.