Participation Trophy

I'm enjoying my time with Davis, but I recently had a come to Jesus regarding him. Although we aren't on a physical level anymore, I occurred to me that I was still holding a bit of a flame for him. Ever since he's been staying with me, I prepare dinner nightly and light up like a kid in a candy store the second he walks in the house. But then it hit me- BAM!! This ain't your dude, stop doing that shit.

I told him that I planned to scale back from him, and I don't think he realized how serious I was and am. My good friend Christine has witnessed firsthand the shit storm that was Davis' and my relationship early on. She said she wanted to meet him this time around, which he agreed to in advance. She and I met up for coffee in the area where he normally sells art and chatted long and hard. I told her about my recent revelation regarding Black men and their lack of sexual autonomy in this society, in addition to how things are going so far with Luke. I'd hit Davis when I was on the way to the coffee shop, and texted him when I got there, encouraging him to stop in. No response. Christine and I chatted for a good hour, and as things wound down, we decided to walk over to Davis, so they could exchange a quick hello before we went home.

As we walked down the street, I was surprised to see Davis walking toward me, right next to his ex-girlfriend. Ouch. Ouch and wow. He did a head nod, bare acknowledgement. I'm not tripping, I know what it is, he'd told me that he still had a thing with her, but they've been on this weird see-saw of potentially getting back together. Davis, do your thing, homie. But I'm not doing this anymore. He came in late that night (which was fine with me), and he texted me the next day, giving him some half-hearted attempt to explain that he was "busy that afternoon" which is why he couldn't stop and chat with Christine and I. Sure bruh, I bet you were.

The blessing for me was that I'd already relinquished him. I'd had my mind made up that I was no longer going to chase after him like a lost puppy dog, before our encounter that day.

Last night I decided to run on out to the grocery store and asked Davis if he cared to join me. He said yes. He asked if I was feeling okay, as my demeanor toward him had changed. I admitted to him that I still had love for him, but I'd had a talk with myself that it was time for me to scale back. He nodded in acceptance.

While contemplating last night, it occurred to me just how much Davis has continued to tug on my heartstrings over the years. I remember meditating and praying for him to leave my life so I could get back some sense of peace, because he always seemed to return, only to leave back out. How he'd previously occasionally text me out of the blue, I'd get excited, try to hang out, and then he'd disappear again. He wouldn't even show up or ask to hang, or even for sex, he'd just text me "hey, how are you?" and I'd get excited and respond "Fantastic, how's life?" and he'd go silent. He didn't want anything, certainly didn't want me, he just wanted to know that he still had me. That I was still there for him. That he could still pop up and I'd have space for him. And over the years, I stayed open and ready. If he needed a bed, an ear, a ride, or a warm body, I was there. I rewarded him with the affection and attention that he sought, when the fact is that he did the bare minimum, just by showing up. He was getting a fucking participation trophy for just being being there.

I was bugging. I gotta own that. He asked if I wanted him to leave. Fact is, no he doesn't have to go.
1) I still need the money.
2) I don't hate him.
3) I'm not even mad at him.
4) Perhaps we can rebuild our friendship, but it will no longer revolve around me being easily available whenever he needs a sentimental boost.

I'm genuinely not angry with him. I see who and where he is now and I know he's no longer the deeply disturbed guy who managed to hook me during a particularly low point of my life. But even with that said, I can no longer allow him access to intensely enter and leave my life at his whim.
I realized the role I was playing in my own emotional demise. I'm no longer going to make myself readily available to him, or any other man, just because he flashes a smile. It takes more than popping up to win my affection now. I'm glad I have gotten to this point. Moving forward, only the men with the real effort get access to the gold medal level of my heart.