I found myself bored Friday night. I was sans kid and felt like having company. I reached out to Davis. He immediately responded that he needed a place to crash for the night. I told him to come on over. He and I chatted a lot that night. I could really feel that he grew a lot since the tumultuous relationship we shared roughly 6 years ago. So did I.
He explained how staying in the hotel was draining his pockets, and I explained the financial bind that I'm in, and we agreed that night that if my son was okay with it, he'd rent out the room for the month that is supposed to be The Kid's, although he rarely sleeps in it. So he'd save some coins and I could pay some bills. The kid agreed with it.
Its been kind of nice having him around. We're not up under one another, as I work days and he's normally not home until I'm about to head to sleep. I wish I'd known this side of him some years ago. Last night, he came home pretty late, and I happened to be awake. He told me that he'd just, that night, officially ended it with a young lady he'd been back and forth with for a while. He lamented about having 2 major breakups in 6 months. I knew to listen carefully, without judgement. I was proud of him for making so much headway, as he talked about the importance of monogamy to him. But truthfully, it kind of stung as well. I mean, sure, we've grown, and we're no longer together. But the fact is that I met him while he was living with another woman, who went on to make my life hell for a while. So to hear him talking about bonding and growing with one woman, while a woman who is heir to a hair care line would call me 40 times in a row, is a bit much.
I tried to bite my tongue, but at some point I did mention to him how its crazy to hear him talking about being with only one woman and his lack of desire to have casual sex, while he lived with another woman when we met. He immediately apologized, and admitted to going through a bad spell when at the time. I honestly felt that he should have, at some point, considered me a serious contender. But he didn't. And that hurt. But then he went on to say "yeah, my woman going out and having drinks and hanging out with another man isn't acceptable. I don't want her bringing another man's energy home to me." And I felt that and I respected it, but at the same time, I knew then that I didn't want to be a contender. Because I'm Malika, and I don't belong to anyone, and I won't. I have no problem with monogamy in the end, but I'm not going to cease having close, platonic, non-sexual relationships with some men, just to keep him happy. I guess I know why I'm not a contender now.
Yesterday, I got on the phone with Fred. He shared with me that he's having a difficult time, pining over a woman that captured his fancy. I was quite surprised, as Fred has been in L.A. for roughly 6 years now, and this is the first lady outside of the one here I've known him to show interest in. Truthfully, inside I was dying, hearing him talk about this woman and how he saw things going somewhere. These aren't words I hear from him often. Truth be told, he and I have know one another for 12 years and despite the fact that we've seen one another in 4 different major U.S. cities and bared our souls in countless ways and made love countless times, I don't think he's ever connected to me like that. Honestly, it hurt a little too (folks just ripping off band-aids left and right yesterday). But I know that Fred and I aren't meant to be like that. Still though... but then he started to share that he met her at church and his ideal was to have a woman he shared a church connection with. I was a bit less pissed then. Cuz I'm not going to your church, just to be deemed worthy.
Later in the day, an old friend called me, whom I haven't talked to, and I mean
really talked to in a while. This particular friend is one who tends to get caught up when dating a new person, so I scaled back. My friend, Lacy, confessed to me that she'd finally broken things off with her 2-year boo, Chris. Lacy talked about how Chris was just emotionally unavailable and she was sick of trying. It took me back to Freeman, whom I saw something with, but after the passing of Pete and other stuff I was wrestling with at the time, I just didn't have it in me to fight anymore. With Freeman, I learned to cut your losses. Or as my best friend, Daisy, would say "stop taking home broken birds."
Lacy discussed how she saw a lot in Chris, and perhaps things would be better in the future, but for now, it was a wrap. I began to think a lot about my own experiences. I began to realize the reality of people that I date. For so long, I'd focused more on myself than the men I was into. I didn't recognize their limitations. But now, I'm semi-seeing someone (yes, I know a common theme for me).
I'll call him Luke. Things are really early, so I'm not quite going to call it a thing, but I like him. But the fact is that Luke is separated and going through a divorce. And not like "separated, but still fucking and living together for the kids," but really ending it. After 23 years of marriage, he's been separated for 8 months. I think that my profession as a counselor helps him, as I've learned to be patient, listen, and ask the right questions, as he sorts through his feelings. But I also know not to make myself his therapist. I also love that he doesn't try to always dump his baggage on me. I've told him a few times that my fear is that we'll spend a few months together, only for him to one day say to me "this has gone too fast, I need to scale back."
Old Malika wouldn't have known to maintain a safe distance. Old Malika would have tried to go full throttle, based on our mutual likes of travel, food, and overall connection. But new Malika knows better. I'm going to allow him all the time he needs to process. No, that doesn't mean I'm not going anywhere. I may date or sleep with other people while he figures out what he wants and if he chooses to do the same thing, I'm okay with that. But it does mean that I recognize that its unfair to put my baggage on him, without allowing him to heal on his own and walk his own path. I'm finally in a space to take all I've learned an apply it to live my life to the fullest. Thank God this shit is starting to make sense and work out.
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