Surprising Love

I remember walking around my neighborhood in the summer when I was about 15-years-old with my 2 best friends. We walked by a group of boys, when the cutest of the group called out to us. "Hey" he said. We turned around and I prepared for him to approach either friend, as I sat back and waited patiently her to get her mack on, as was customary. But as we waited for him to approach us, he shocked us all by walking up me. Me? Me?! The surprise shook us all. I was the chubby girlfriend who always came along for support, and I'd occasionally get some fall off, mouth breathing asshole friend of his who couldn't hold a conversation if his life depended on it. Of course the guy who approached me ended up being a gang-banging loser who dismissed me and tried to get with one of my other friends.

So when you grow up with this sort of social dynamic, it shouldn't be a surprise that I grew up feeling non-physically desired by the opposite sex. It may serve as a shock to some, but these feelings of being the undesired, awkward sidekick are still with me.

The first time I lay eyes on Fred, I thought he was amazing. I was friends with a roommate of his, and I recall how he'd come in, say hello and head back out. A year or so later, I began casually dating a friend of his. I always thought that he was yummy, but my thought was that a man that sexy surely had slew of exceptionally beautiful women (a.k.a. women that looked nothing like me). I'm sure he'd tell a different story, but the first time we hooked up, the three of us started out the night hanging out together (myself, Fred and our other friend) when the other guy got a phone and had to cut the night short. "No biggie," he said. "Y'all can go on and hang out." I'd always felt some stupid vibe with Fred, an electric attraction, but I just knew it was in my head, because, I mean, look at him! So anyway, the other guy left, leaving Fred and I alone. We went back to my apartment and he kissed me, and we pretty much were a go. Clothes flew off and 12 years later, here we are and I'm just as sexually attracted to this modelesque man as ever.

And then there was Pete. I'd always assumed that some of the other women in the office had a thing for him, and I'd even assumed he'd smashed a few of them. But I asked him one day if he'd ever flirted with them and he said no. And based on the way that I was the only woman that was shaken to my core at his services held for coworkers and clients, he clearly was telling the truth. I remember the day I told him that I was attracted to him. We sat in my supervisor's office alone and I indicated that I suspected that he'd kept me from joining him at YouthBuild, a new department at the internship. He was taken back and asked why I'd think such a thing? I responded "I dunno. Cuz I'm kind of weird." He looked at me and said, "you're just eccentric, you're fine. I never tried to keep you from there. I saw the emails on it, but I had nothing to do with it." Out of nowhere, I simply blurted (and blame my A.D.D. for this one) "I am so attracted to you." I immediately regretted it. Too forward. Too soon. I'm such an ass! Then he said to me "Its okay. I'm attracted to you too." I still marvel at that. Pete was attracted to me in return. I mean, Jesus Christ, he was a hottie.

Another instance of surprise is the model and martial artist I fooled with briefly. I met him at a party one day. Green eyes, beautiful body, light skin, locs down his back. He could have given Calvin Klein a run for their money. I'd sat around with a new crew of people, laughing it up and he was one of them. At some point the crew was dispersed and I kind of walked a few feet away. I looked up and he was still walking with me. Um, what? Hello? Have you looked at yourself?

Those feelings of inadequacy still shake me. When men like me back, I'm like, "are you sure?" Between my fucked up childhood and the losers I've dated in adulthood, bad thoughts seem to have sunk into my psyche, making me feel undesirable. Funny enough, a few years back, when I'd lost that 30 pounds, I got hit on then more than I'd gotten hit on in my life! And I fucking hated it! These guys didn't hear me joke around or talk about spirituality or philosophy. They took one look at my face and body and wanted to smash. It felt horrible. All those years I'd wanted to be the girl that got the guy, and here all these random ass dudes wanted to fuck me and discard me. Losing weight didn't erase all of my problems. I'd always thought that being more attractive would be a magic pill to a better life. I can honestly say, I was wrong.

I talked in my last post how I was told recently that I have diabetes and that I'll need to take medication, and how I almost fought the idea of it. I shared that moment with Fred afterward, how for a brief moment, I said to myself "fuck these meds, I hate this place anyway, I'm ready to go!" but then I realized I had a kid to live for. Fred then said to me "man, you better stop that silly shit and take that medicine." As nuts as it sounds, touched me. Deeply. Fred told me in his own little way that he cared about me. I guess it only makes sense that he'd be attached to a woman he'd been romantically linked to for 12 years, but I was genuinely surprised. This gorgeous man, can have any woman he wants (I've literally seen women eye hump him from across restaurants), cared enough to speak up and tell me to take care of myself. Me?! Me.

And now yesterday. I haven't spoken of Him in some years. For new readers, and the old who may not remember Him, he was the first man to make me feel whole while dealing with my son's father. Him made me smile and laugh and feel beautiful, when I felt my worst. Before Him, I told myself that if my son's father and I didn't make it, I wouldn't date again. And then Him entered. We never slept together, but we almost did. At the time he didn't want to because I was still living with my ex and he had some other stuff going on, but the desire and the emotion was there. Later on, Him ran into some medical problems. He'd disappeared for a while, but stuff was touch and go for a second. For my own sanity, I had to back away from him, while remembering the good times. I'll always love him for bringing me back from the emotional dead though.

So anyway, Him called me yesterday. It was a pleasant surprise, although we still talk 3 or 4 times a year. He'd asked the normal questions, 'How are you? How is your son? How is life? Dating anyone?' kinda stuff. I asked about his health and whatnot. Then out of nowhere he goes, "I know this is kind of weird and random, but I'd like to make love to you." I paused. I mean, I know he did and still does. I just learned to play stupid on that kind of stuff with some guys. The fact is that Him's health makes me know that I can't get too close to him. I love him and I always will. But I just can't. All I can think to myself is how 5 years ago, I'd have done it with no questions. Now things are way different.

But that round, insecure girl in me is still like "Me? You chose me?!" Granted, my stock has risen since then and between his health and hard living, his has kind of sank (I know it sounds cold, but its the reality), but I'm still like 'are you sure you want me and not the woman behind me?' I guess I'm just tripping that at 38 years old, I still don't see myself as the kind of woman physically deserving of the attention of some of the men around me. Perhaps one day, I will.