A.D.D. That To My Problems

I've always been a bit of a space cadet, and I'll take ownership of that. Those closest to me know that I'm often late, I zone out, I forget stuff, and other normal "Malika" stuff. I remember telling a friend a mine a while back (my friend who happens to be a clinician) about my lowering of my caffeine intake, because drinking too much of it would put me to sleep. I'd never developed the problem (or perhaps noticed it) until grad school. I'd taken to visiting the same coffeehouse frequently and to support the cause, I'd often buy a small coffee to justify sitting there for a few hours at a time, plugging away at my paper. I'd go there perhaps 2, 3, or even 4 times a week, and always buy coffee. As I started drinking more coffee, I'd started to notice the pattern of my afternoon naps. I don't mean a quick 30-minute power nap, I meant 3 or 4 hour naps, on top of my nighttime sleep. I eventually just settled for buying and drinking bottled water, since I hated their decaf. My clinician friend said to me "you know that when people have A.D.D., caffeine makes them sleepy." My response, being typical Malika, was "bullshit, I do not have A.D.D.!" He responded with a simple "okay."

I was at work a few weeks ago, when I'd stopped in to chat with a clinician co-worker who I've taken to. I'd told him how a friend of mine let me try an Adderall pill a while back and how much it did for me. She'd warned me that if I didn't have A.D.D. the pill would do nothing for me, but if I did have it, it would work wonders.

I used it to clean my home and I was amazed at how focused I was. I wasn't jittery, angsty, or anxious, I was simply able to focus, and not in some kind of freakish manner either. I'd gone on to tell my coworker that I have a difficult time cleaning my home because I can't focus on one part of the home, instead I work on small piles at a time, before I become overwhelmed.

My coworker looked up at me and said the words:
"Malika, I think you might have A.D.D."

My response was a simple "bullshit, I do not have A.D.D.!" Then I paused and grabbed a chair in his office. Wait a minute- do I? I took a moment to think about my coworker who often is done with her notes by 4:00pm (quitting time), while it isn't uncommon for me to languish until 5, 6, or sometimes even 7 to get mine done. Its not that the notes are hard, I simply can't focus on them. When our clients leave at 2, I have to debrief, so I get on Facebook, I may blog a little, text friends, play games on my phone... Then I'll start doing my notes, but then I'll have to check Facebook again... And then I began to think about how hard it was for me to focus as a kid and I often just check out and began to stare into space. When I was in grad school, I was never able to focus on just my paper, so I'd sometimes set a timer, allowing me to goof off for 20 minutes, and then I'd get back onto my paper for 20 minutes, then back to Facebook.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I never was truly able to focus on needed tasks, I simply stumbled through. Holy shit, he might be right! I walked back into my office and immediately looked online for the signs of A.D.D. (of course I wasn't going to do my notes, who the hell wanted to start focusing?!) I scrolled around until I found this website, and I felt like I was reading my whole life. The one particular list on the page that struck me through the heart was 

• * Poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)
• * Tendency to procrastinate
• * Trouble starting and finishing projects
• * Chronic lateness
• * Frequently forgetting appointments, commitments, deadlines
• * Constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone, documents, bills).
• * Underestimating the time it will take to complete tasks.

Dear God, this was it!! This was ME! I'd felt like such a failure for so long, unable to focus on tasks, and just impulsive as hell. I felt like a weirdo, a freak, unable to ever really fully fit in, yet here it is. I'd honestly thought I was just a bit broken, and I'd only recently accepted it and embraced it as who and what I am. But no, I wasn't a freak, I have an honest, diagnosable mental illness that I can learn to work with and through. That is so amazing to me.

Honestly, after I first processed it, I grew a bit angry. I mean, what would my life have been like if 30 years ago, someone picked up on this? What if they'd understood that I honestly can't help it? That I didn't mean to zone out when I was in school? Or if I honestly thought that everyone took 20 to 30 minutes to begin working?

The best thing about this is that my 11-year-old is exhibiting most of the same traits, and truthfully, I was beginning to grow frustrated and perplexed with him. But now that I know what this is, I can take the signs and get him the assistance that he'll need to live a normal life and shine like a rock star at school. So I have A.D.D. And I'll learn to be okay with that.