Twin Flames

My friend Tova first introduced me to the concept of twin flames. She explained it as a type of soul mate, two people that no matter what pulls them apart, they manage to always find themselves back to one another. Once Pete passed, I always thought about how instantaneous our friendship was. We met one day, had a great and oddly personal convo, followed by another great and oddly personal friendship. I'd always wondered how he just managed to find me and stop in and have awesome moments together. My question was always 'did he choose me or did we choose one another?'

Here it is, nearly a month after his death, and I'm not shamed to say that I still Google Pete. The fact is that I Googled him extensively the moment I learned his last name. I Googled him the whole time we were friends. I'd even Googled him a few days before he died and the page still shows the last time I visited it. I refuse to click on that page now though. I like the reminder that I was digging him even before his death. When someone close to you dies, its only common to go online and find all you can about them. I Googled, Yahooed, Binged, and anything else I could find. Being 47, its not surprising that there was not much about him online. That and his moments of disappearing into his addiction make sense that he'd not be online much. I checked so many sites because in my mind, Pete was a complete rock star. I combed the AJC, hoping to find something about my friend. Anything about his body being found? Nothing. I guess he just mattered to the hearts and minds of those who loved him.

I like to think that I'm the reason that he was active on Facebook a few months before he died. I knew he hadn't been on Facebook in some years, but I asked him if he had a page, so I could add him. I knew he did. He told me that he did, and that it was nothing but pics of his daughter. I knew that too. But suddenly in November (right around the time I asked him about Facebook) he got active on it again and accepted my friend request. I look at a video of him and his daughter frequently. I always feel a smile plastered across my face as I look at it.

Anyway, off that tangent, not only do I Google Pete and look at his Facebook pics and videos, last night I found myself looking  at things about people that had near death experiences. What was it like and are our loved ones there waiting for us? I came across something that I found quite fascinating. Numbers 4 and 5 stuck out to me.

4. There are such things as soul mates. However, they are generally misunderstood. There are many people that are your “soul mates.” They were, for the lack of a better phrase, cut from the same spiritual cloth as you were. These are family members, friends, lovers, all of whom we connect with unexplainably and “just know” that they fit us.

5. But when it comes to “soul mates” in the way that people often think of them, a romantic significant other who is perfect for you, well, it’s a bit different. I have heard it phrased as a “twin flame” and so I’m going to call it that for the lack of having anything better to refer to it as. These are the literal, actual, other halves of us. And it’s not easy to meet them. In fact, because being with them brings together your unified being, all that’s still broken and unhealed inside of you comes right to the surface. It’s a traumatic thing, actually. But it’s love like you truly couldn’t imagine experiencing it until you have.

That was it! Twin flames!! Our bond was so random, but so solid. I say so often that I knew that he and I weren't supposed to be husband and wife. We were going to spend hours laughing and talking, getting to know one another. We were going to roll around in bed, getting to know one another in ways that only we could. And eventually, we'd part ways, but stay good friends. I remember once having a day dream that he and I would meet for coffee 15 years into the future and it would be like we'd never parted. We were/are twin flames.

Sometimes I feel so odd being so wrapped up in a guy I'd only spent 5 months getting to know. I wonder how he'd feel if I'd been the one to die and not him. I've honestly thought I don't know if he'd have been anywhere near as upset. I don't talk often about how much Pete visits me and the physical evidence he leaves of his presence, but I can honestly count about 5 or 6 times he made himself known. I told a girlfriend of mine some of the stories. I was surprised when I heard her say "wow" in regards to the evidence he continues to leave. My friend, one of the more cynical people I know, said to me "he must really care about you to be doing all of that."

I guess she was right. He and I are twin flames. That's why this hurts so much after a short stint together on this plane. He and I had a bond that transcended space and time. He's with me constantly. He whispers to me and sings with me. He holds my hand. He laughs and tells jokes from the other side. He's my twin flame. God knows I'd rather have him here, but as far as twin flames go, I've got the best of the best.