Friday, April 28, 2017

They like me. They really, really like me.

I wrote previously about being a tad torn between a best of both worlds of Tory and Hajj. Tory, being the young, energetic one who is still grappling with getting his career and life together, and then Hajj, the independent career man, who wants the wife and family life, yet is a tad emotionally detached. They both brought so much to the table, yet both require a bit of work.
Tory did call me a while back, saying he wanted to step back from me. In my emotional space, I was kinda like "whatevs, man." Three days later, we were back like we always were. I managed to finally meet Hajj earlier in the month. He wanted some affection and whatnot, and although I thought I'd be ready to deliver on that, but in the end, I just couldn't do it. Hajj knew about what I've gone through and he respected my space, even though he was hoping for more.

So here I am, nearly 2 months after Pete passed, and probably the most emotionally detached from any man that I've ever been. I kind of thought that Hajj and I would fall apart, but we do still occasionally check in. The last time we texted, I admitted to him that at one time he was definitely my number one contender. He joked that since then I must have started  seeing someone else. I corrected him and told him that I haven't done anything with anyone in 3 months and that my dating card will remain empty for the foreseeable future.

Talked to Tory last night and for the first time in a while, Pete came up again. More so because I asked Tory if there's been a major change in my demeanor and personality since then. Tory said that I'm not as physically affectionate as I once was. I hadn't thought about it, but I could see that. I asked if he felt weird, seeing me change so much over another guy who I'd clearly been kind of casual with up until that point. He admitted that it was a bit odd, mainly because he felt that I'd clearly considered Pete one kind of way, while considering him another. I explained that Pete and I were more cute from the same cloth, while Tory just wasn't the "casual sex and move on" kind of guy. The fact is, Pete was. I also told him the story of how I waited several weeks to tell my colleague Amelia that we'd kissed. Tory grew quiet and said "I didn't know you and he ever kissed."

Tory asked if anyone else was in the running, so I took the opportunity to tell him about Hajj. I explained that in some weird way, they each make up for what the other one is missing. While Hajj is the career man with the home and financial stability, Tory is the guy that I can sit on the phone with for hours on end, chatting about nothing. Typically if I'm on the phone with Hajj, we only talk awkwardly for about 15 minutes before hanging up. Its still wild to me, that despite me grieving another man for the last 2 months, both of these cats still like me. I'm not expecting anyone to hold on longer than they'd like and if either finds another woman or situation that makes them happy, I'm all for it. But still its nice to be appreciated and respected while I go through whatever it is I'm going through. I must be more worth it than I previously thought.

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