Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Feeling the Loss Nearly 4 Years Later

So anyone not living under a rock can read the news story on ABC, Good Morning America, and Yahoo! about my dead cousin's wife Jessica, getting married to a fellow widower. I'm so happy for both of them.

For a moment, I found myself feeling better about the loss of Jarronn. I felt for a moment that things were okay and that it all finally made sense. I even felt that Jarronn and Jordan's deceased wife, Danielle, were responsible for bringing the two together, which helped me to feel even better. But then something made me go and visit my cousin's Facebook page, which I hadn't seen in a while. As always, there were well wishes from people that missed him and expressed how deeply his loss affected their life even four years later. And then out of the blue, I decided to read the messages I'd sent him.

In the days and weeks after his death, whenever I felt the need to call him, to talk to him, to yell at him for leaving me, or just to feel his presence, I'd message him through Facebook and hope that somehow he'd read my words and comfort me.

I remember the days after he left so clearly. It was dark. A blur. Nothing made sense, coupled with the fact that I was miserable where I was living, made it that much harder to deal with at the time. I remember sitting in my car and playing this song back to back as I sat in traffic with tears streaming down my face. I'd sit alone and I'd talk to him and yell at the sky. I'd tell him it wasn't his time and that he wasn't supposed to leave a wife and parents and brother or me.

I remember our last conversation, which happened a few weeks after he got married and a month or so before he died. That was the first long conversation we'd had in years. It was about 30 minutes. We talked about his wedding, he talked about the connection he felt with Jessica and how easy it was to get along with her. We talked about the fucking motorcycle. I absolutely begged him not to ride that thing. How funny is it that in our last conversation, that happened? We talked about family, mine and his. I told him I'd give him 2 years to enjoy his new bride before I started leaning on him to give me a bouncing niece or nephew. And then, I got that call.

He was gone.

One of my messages to him shortly after his death was this:

jessica was so strong at your service, but its refreshing to see that she's finally got time to grieve your loss. but i'm stil mad at you. i know you told me that you're still with her and that you'll help her through this, but jarron you're not supposed to be dead. i know you told me it was your time, but it wasn't. we didn't talk nearly as much as we were supposed to and now that you're gone, i'm mad i didn't call you more. i keep thinking that its been a couple of weeks so i should be okay, but I'M NOT. this is just too sad. where are the babies, where are our visits to you and your kids, where are you for me to call you and tell you that i'm having a baby and i'm naming him after you? where are you for me to call you crying about what an idiot deen is? you shouldn't be gone. please come back.

I'm so happy for Jessica. But I still miss my cousin.

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