Feeling the Loss Nearly 4 Years Later

So anyone not living under a rock can read the news story on ABC, Good Morning America, and Yahoo! about my dead cousin's wife Jessica, getting married to a fellow widower. I'm so happy for both of them.

http://gma.yahoo.com/widowed-20s-couple-finds-love-again-212043491--abc-news-health.html

For a moment, I found myself feeling better about the loss of Jarronn. I felt for a moment that things were okay and that it all finally made sense. I even felt that Jarronn and Jordan's deceased wife, Danielle, were responsible for bringing the two together, which helped me to feel even better. But then something made me go and visit my cousin's Facebook page, which I hadn't seen in a while. As always, there were well wishes from people that missed him and expressed how deeply his loss affected their life even four years later. And then out of the blue, I decided to read the messages I'd sent him.

In the days and weeks after his death, whenever I felt the need to call him, to talk to him, to yell at him for leaving me, or just to feel his presence, I'd message him through Facebook and hope that somehow he'd read my words and comfort me.

I remember the days after he left so clearly. It was dark. A blur. Nothing made sense, coupled with the fact that I was miserable where I was living, made it that much harder to deal with at the time. I remember sitting in my car and playing this song back to back as I sat in traffic with tears streaming down my face. I'd sit alone and I'd talk to him and yell at the sky. I'd tell him it wasn't his time and that he wasn't supposed to leave a wife and parents and brother or me.

I remember our last conversation, which happened a few weeks after he got married and a month or so before he died. That was the first long conversation we'd had in years. It was about 30 minutes. We talked about his wedding, he talked about the connection he felt with Jessica and how easy it was to get along with her. We talked about the fucking motorcycle. I absolutely begged him not to ride that thing. How funny is it that in our last conversation, that happened? We talked about family, mine and his. I told him I'd give him 2 years to enjoy his new bride before I started leaning on him to give me a bouncing niece or nephew. And then, I got that call.

He was gone.

One of my messages to him shortly after his death was this:

why?

jessica was so strong at your service, but its refreshing to see that she's finally got time to grieve your loss. but i'm stil mad at you. i know you told me that you're still with her and that you'll help her through this, but jarron you're not supposed to be dead. i know you told me it was your time, but it wasn't. we didn't talk nearly as much as we were supposed to and now that you're gone, i'm mad i didn't call you more. i keep thinking that its been a couple of weeks so i should be okay, but I'M NOT. this is just too sad. where are the babies, where are our visits to you and your kids, where are you for me to call you and tell you that i'm having a baby and i'm naming him after you? where are you for me to call you crying about what an idiot deen is? you shouldn't be gone. please come back.

I'm so happy for Jessica. But I still miss my cousin.

Is It Okay to Die?

There's a guy I've known since middle school. I'd lost track of dude until the wonders of Facebook came along. Since then, based on his Facebook postings, I've learned that he is suffering from heart failure and may not make it if he doesn't get a heart transplant soon. I've been glad to see the uplifting posts from him and his family about his battle. But at the same time, I knew that everyone had to be prepared in case the worst happened.

Today I saw postings where he was saying that he was tired and close to giving up. I saw my chance to finally say to him what I'd wanted to say. I started by asking if he was nervous. He said that he's more scared than anything. I told him that truthfully, the angels will guide him which ever way he is to go and not to be fearful. He said he'd miss his kids. I told him that no matter what, he'll be with his children, even if he's on the other side. Perhaps living with a terminal illness made him feel at ease to discuss things, which I was uncomfortably glad about. I can't believe that I told a man that it's okay to die.

I just didn't want him holding on if he didn't want to. I didn't want him to be fearful on his journey. I don't want him to feel like he wasted his life. I didn't go pull any plugs or tell him to drop dead, but I did want him to know that its okay to be afraid, but its okay to go into the light as well. I know that a lot people want him to stick around. No one wants to see him leave this plane now. And that's okay. Maybe its because he and I weren't close that I was okay saying it to him. Because I can't see telling any of my close friends or family members to walk into the light. But I told him. I felt that he needed to know that its okay to let go and be on the other side. Sometimes when I see his posts, I think to myself that it will be any day now that he will take his final journey. And if he gets called Home, I hope I helped to make him a little more okay with that.