Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Malika vs. Sociopaths
One of the girls I work with is a sociopath. Seriously. I’m not just saying that because she’s a pain in the ass. She doesn’t care about anything. She doesn’t care about her future. She doesn’t care about rewards and treats. She doesn’t care about being punished. She doesn’t care about hurting others, either emotionally or physically. At times when I see children on the news that have harmed their classmates or shot up the school, a chill runs down my spine because I know that she’s capable of doing the same thing one day. I’m woefully unprepared and unqualified to give her the intense therapy she needs so I do my best, which I know isn’t enough.
It makes no difference to her when I tell her that she’ll never get into the college of her choice if she keeps fighting and acting out. I told her about how good she has it, having loving parents, and I told her a little about Keisha, who was locked in closets and choked by her mother. She looked at me and giggled. That has been the only time that I’ve ever wanted to lay hands to one of my kids. I turned away from her for fear that I would surely say something to her that would garner my getting fired. I still do what is professionally required of me when working with her, but I don’t have anywhere near the emotional attachment to her that I have with my other kids. Going to see her is a chore for me, while I’d hang out with my other kids for free (which I actually have done).
I took her to see a therapist one day and I explained to him that of all the kids I’ve ever worked with, she’s the only one that has never gotten that spark. The “spark” I refer to happens in many children with discipline problems. They will talk to a mentor who tells them about college and growing up to be doctors and lawyers and there will appear a small spark in that child’s eye that lets you know that they hear you. Don’t get me wrong, seeing the spark doesn’t mean that the child is going to suddenly fly right, but at least in the back of their mind they have it stored that they want to live a life out of jail and full of enrichment. At the end of their session, once she’d left the room, I told the doctor that I believed her to be a sociopath. He looked at me and casually nodded and shrugged as if we’d been discussing the weather. I asked him how I was supposed to help her. He told me that the only thing I could do was to keep taking her out and talking to her. A lot of good that’s proven to do (not!)
I think the reason that I have such a hard time dealing with her is that she reminds me of two other sociopaths I know: my former roommate Aliya and my stalker, Chloe. They particularly came to mind as I read something about sociopaths on the internet this evening.
“There are stories of people diagnosed as sociopaths who did improve to some degree, with the most ceaseless and diligent help. But since the vast majority of this huge body of people (there are more than three hundred million sociopaths on Earth) cannot get that kind of attention, they turn to abusing those they envy, and often to crime. It is certainly vengeance: "If I can't have any of this, why should you?" This is the real reason sociopaths lash out at strong and kind people. No matter what they say, they know that inside, they are always empty and damaged beyond repair.”
My fallout with Aliya was brutal. She was the girlfriend of my boyfriend’s best friend. We were opposites in a lot of ways. I was outgoing, she was more of an introvert. She enjoyed trying to prove how smart she was to the world, and despite me seeming like a dingbat, I didn’t care enough about others to prove myself. I enjoyed dressing up like a girl on occasion, she never wore a skirt the whole time I’d known her. Things seemed cool at first but they took a left turn once we’d started living and working together.
She’d get angry if I wanted to go out on the weekend with other friends instead of staying home with her. While she’d had her secure clique of cronies that we worked with, I hung with them on occasion, but still had many outside interests. Suddenly my coworkers would get weird with me. They’d get pissed off that I didn’t exercise with them on weekends, despite me explaining that I worked my second job on weekends and that I worked out during the week. I explained to them that they technically got to see more of me than anyone else, but they didn’t get it. They hung out so much, but that was also their only job. I had a second job, plus I was in school full time. They grew to resent me and making me feel ostracized and bad, despite me never doing a wrong thing to any of them. The job became unbearable.
I later found out that Aliya was a major liar. I became skeptical of her once I realized that she’d tried to keep me from getting next to Kelsy while I was still crushing on him. I hadn’t thought about it until later, but I got way more guy attention than Aliya. I guess what she didn’t see was that yeah, I got attention from men, but many of them only wanted sex (which they weren’t getting from me). I’ve always had a guy around me or another, so I’ve never been single. She, looking back on it, was overweight, had pimples, a horrible fashion sense, and had a hard time keeping a guy. But still I always supported her.
Eventually I realized that she was trying to get me fired from my job. I got written up for some bullshit one day so I quit by throwing the write up in my boss’ face, walking out, and not looking back. A short while later I ended up homeless because of her (long story) and one of our guy friends was the savior that helped me move since I was carless, in school, had to find somewhere to move quickly, and only had one small part time job.
That friend, Charmer, will always have a soft place in my heart for what he did for me during that time. Although I’d realized that Aliya was crazy (and I still have no clue why she did what she did to me) Charmer told me that she was obsessed with me. Charmer said that she talked about me for hours on end. He knew the names of guys I’d been dating, he knew where I worked, he even knew that my car had broken down a few days before and that a mechanic had jipped me. I hadn’t talked to Charmer in some years, but he knew too damned much about me.
He said that he would ask her to put me on the phone at times and she would refuse. He said that she’d tell him what a slut I was. He said that one day supposedly a guy I dated told her that the sex with me was bad. Charmer and I dated briefly way back when, but his busy schedule kept us from going anywhere. While she and I were cool, she’d tell me stories of how much he wanted her because she was apparently the only woman to ever reject him. Since I’d long since moved on from him, I told her to go for it and that he was a good guy. When the dust settled, he told me that he found her physically repulsive (as did most men) and that he had no idea that she’d been so fascinated with him.
Anyway, after that, I moved on. My former coworkers and friends no longer talk to me, despite me never doing a thing to them. I’ve even tried to explain to them that I’m not the monster that she’s made me out to be, but to no avail. I later developed a shell that made it really hard for me to trust people. I may smile and nod at most people, but overall, I’m always wondering what they want from me. I’ve met people that told me how awesome I am and that they’d like to be friends and I wonder if they’re just jealous. I learned to make people prove themselves and not just believe what I’m told.
And then there was Chloe. I’m not going to go into the whole story involving her (I’ve done that essentially over various posts so I’m not going to bother with it here) but she too was and is a sociopath. It’s a shame that her best friend can’t see how selfish and manipulative she really is, but I’m pretty intuitive and I get the feeling that the day will soon come. Chloe has felt no qualms about relishing in my misery and enjoys playing the victim, while the whole time enjoying attacking me.
I’m thankful that the restraining order has stopped her for now, but I have no doubt in my mind that she will start stalking me again eventually. She quickly apologizes for the things she has put me through, and she often tries to make nice (or so she claims) but after supposedly trying to make nice, she’ll contact my boyfriend or best friend with more insane lies. And I promise you the crazy bitch isn’t missing a wink of sleep behind it. This particular clip reminds me of her.
“Sociopaths can be really charming, but be wary because they are very manipulative and domineering. Sociopaths tend to be compulsive liars with a grandiose sense of self. They also lack the ability empathize with the pain and problems of other people.” That is Chloe Colbert to a tee. And I know that I’m not the only person that sees that in her. We still have mutual friends but I know that she has tried hard to make them think ill of me. Thankfully they know me enough to not believe her lies.
I say all of that to say that working with my young friend isn’t easy. I found an interesting link here about sociopaths (here). Apparently I'm not the only one that's dealt with them. The interesting thing is that so many people have gone through the exact same kind of shit from them. I know the kind of horror and manipulation that she is capable of. I hope that her family and friends know what they’re in for. Because I know. And I damned sure don’t want to be around for it.