What I Learned in 2009

Yes, another one of THOSE posts. I've been looking through a few other blogs, and it's kind of fascinating to see what people are learning, so I figured that I'd take to my blog. My blog is pretty much where I think out loud. So here it is. Pardon me if I ramble.

* Blood doesn't make family, love makes a family
* I can say all kinds of crap about my baby daddy, but I will fuck anyone up that says anything bad about him.
* Motherhood is the best thing to ever happen to me.
* I don't know if I'll ever get married, and I don't know if I want to.
* The more die hard a Christian a person claims to be, the less I trust them.
* It's dangerous to have outside people in your relationship.
* I really am better off without my mother and sisters.
* I love myself more and more every day.
* Anybody that expects me not to love myself doesn't deserve to be near me.
* Love isn't as pretty as many people think it is.
* Anyone that Googles me to find my blog and yet claims to hate me and comes on here to start shit, needs pity and prayer.
* My stalker can pretend all day that it is I that stalks her, but she and I both know the truth. Hopefully in the new year her balls will drop and she'll move on with her life. Anyway, I've learned how sad and lonely she truly is.
* My immediate family may be fucked up, but I've got the dopest cousins, uncles and aunts.
* A good haircut really can change your look and how you feel about yourself.
* Lip gloss and earrings can complete the simplest outfit.
* Just because you fall in love doesn't mean they'll love you back.
* It doesn't matter how loyal you are, that doesn't mean you'll get it back.
* Just because you have a small tiff with one of your friends, it doesn't mean you have to swear them off forever. Sometimes people are just blowing off steam.
* I'm a really good writer and if I work hard at it, I can go far.
* My son may not talk a lot, but he's a little genius.
* Facebook isn't private, no matter what your settings are.
* I may not be a traditional mother, but I'm a pretty good mother.
* I'm a better mother than I had, and although she'd never admit it, I know it in my heart and I'm quite proud of that.
* I'm my son's best friend, and I take that role quite seriously.
* Pookie's family is actually pretty dope and I'm really glad that they're in my son's life.
* My father may have all of the problems in the world, but he's still MY daddy.
* Sometimes you have to accept people and their flaws. No one is perfect.
* When someone gives you their best, feel honored. Never judge someone's best.
* Sometimes a kiss can make everything better.
* No matter what some bitter ass women will tell you, watching a son interact with his father is the greatest joy.
* There is no shame in needing help.
* Pookie may act hard core, but I know that he loves our son with all of his heart. And our son loves him back.
* There are very few feelings better than a job well done.
* College graduation is that much sweeter when your whole damned life, people called you stupid.
* If Pookie was ever seriously hurt, I don't know how I'd go on.
* My friends Courtney, Shaunnika and Tierinique are all I need for a successful girl's night out.
* He may not say it, but I know he loves me.
* Long hair is a bitch to take care of.
*Poverty taught me how to survive on next to nothing. So when I do start making money, I'll be able to stretch my dollars and save the way I normally would.
* It's damned near impossible for 2010 to be worse than 2009.

Happy New Year everyone! Thank you for following me and allowing me to get so much off of my chest! I love you ALL!!

Having His Cake and Eating It Too

Last night, I went to visit with my cousin, who had just given his fiance a ring. My cousin pulled me aside and started to talk about my situation with Pookie. He suggested that I stop letting him do his thing on the side. I completely understand where he was coming from, but unfortunately I'm in a bit of a rut.

First off, until I find a decent job, my little Pumpkin and I are financially dependent on him. That's really not my first choice and I've got a few projects that I'm working on, but for right now, it is what it is. Second, Pookie went straight from his mother's home, to his ex-wife's home, to being here with me and the little one. I was fortunate enough to spend most of my twenties as a young fabulous party girl. I lived alone, I traveled, I went to college, I worked and paid my own bills, I met and dated fabulous men. Pookie never really got that chance. Perhaps I am selling myself short, but I understand how much he missed out on and I feel bad about that. Maybe if he weren't so good looking and charming he wouldn't have women clinging to him the moment he stepped out of the house. Believe me, women are drawn to him like flies to shit.

My cousin pointed out the obvious truth, which is that Pookie and I have an emotional attachment to one another. We escort one another to family functions, we do "adult stuff" together, we share our innermost thoughts. We may not be in a committed relationship, but we're definitely committed in other ways.

On the flip side, today I called him at work, simply to tell him that I love him and he replied with "I've got to get back to work." Ouch. Would have been so hard to have replied with a simple "thank you"? Now that's the kind of shit that makes me say that I want out!

What hurts so much about that is that before Pookie, I dated a lot of men. After I gave birth to Pumpkin, about 5 of my old flames hit me up and confessed to me that they'd hoped that they'd be the one to give me a child. My friends used to call me a "food whore" for my willingness to drive to the other side of town to take my man food at work. Pookie even enjoyed that luxury while I was pregnant and working. I've always given awesome back massages. I'm funny. I'm great company. When I have money, I don't mind paying my own way or even paying a guy's way. When I consider myself to be with a man, there isn't much I won't do for him. I am far more submissive to a man than many people realize. And what most women don't see is that men love that. Men love coming home to hot meals. They love a woman that will hit the gym just for them. Men loved the special treatment.

So how did I go from being the woman that men sought, to being with a guy that can't even appreciate a kind word in the middle of his work day?

While I truly don't consider myself a gold digger, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't appreciate what he does for me. I see how much so many other women lose sleep as they figure out which bill has priority. On the flip side, I sleep until noon. My son is so close to his father. It warms my heart every time I see them tossing the basketball or wrestling on the floor. I'm so fortunate to be a housewife.

The Women's Lib Movement really effed up things. Suddenly, if you're blessed to have a man that is able to pay bills, you're a lazy gold digger. Let me set the record straight on that. The reason I moved in with Pookie was so that I could finish my last few classes of college. At the time I got pregnant, I only had about 7 classes to go before I got my degree. My goal was to get a job so that could get a good job to take care of me and my Pumpkin with little to no help from his father. My other goal was to get a job so that I could support Pookie while he finished up school, just like he'd done for me. That doesn't make me a gold digger, that makes me a woman that is appreciative.

Recently, some bitter ass female relatives with horrible track records with picking losers were trying to talk smack about me living with Pookie. What's so funny is that my father and uncle both agree that me living with the father of my child is what the hell I'm supposed to be doing. Somehow, Black women have gotten it twisted to where many of them look down on those of us that do what we have to do to keep our families together. I'm not knocking anyone that chooses to be a single mother, so why knock me for choosing to keep my family together? Why is it that White women are considered "stay at home moms" while Black women are "lazy" and "gold diggers"?

So anyway, I'm in a rut. I love Pookie and I love having my family together. Some days I'm in heaven. Other days, I just want to be left the hell alone. Perhaps Pookie is having his cake and eating it too. Perhaps I am taking advantage of the situation. Perhaps I should just move out. Perhaps we should just get married. Perhaps both of us know that getting married is a big mistake. I don't know. But I do know that one way or another, things can't continue on like this. Because I'd rather slit my freaking wrist than to have a half assed relationship with a man for 13 years and counting.

To Do in 2010

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions. I probably should, but I'm lazy and I'm not known for following through on shit, so I gave up on them. But I do have a list of a few things that I'd like to do. A while back I told myself that I was going to be a paid writer so I took to my Twitter page to declare that. A few days later, I was a freelance writer and I just got my first check in the mail from it. Talk about a proud moment. It was then that I remembered how important it is to write down my goals. So anyway, here is my list.

1) Within 5 years, I will be the top Black humor columnist in this country. After that, the goal is to be the top humor columnist in the country. I'm funny. Shut up, I am!! Yep, that's going to be me. I'm going to find a literary agent too. I know this is driving my hater crazy too! I'm already writing for two digital magazines, so next up is to get a regular column for a print magazine. And they will be funny too! Shut up, they will!!

2) My digital magazine will finally happen. Money is tight, but once I get the loot up, I'm going to get this cracking. Trust and believe, this is going to be big.

3) Jogging. I've tried exercising and I suck at it. I get all winded and sweaty. I've always wanted to be a runner though. And my best friend got me an mp3 player, so that's going to be my motivation to get my ass in gear. I'm not even trying to lose weight, although that would be an awesome side result.

4) Writing. I come to my blog to vent, but I need to practice my craft of writing more. Actually, I'm getting a lot better at it, but if I'm going to make humor my main goal, I've got to do more writing on it.

5) Taking better care of my health. I was diagnosed with a sickness a while ago and my whole life has changed because of it. If I'm not careful, I could get really sick or even die. Not trying to be morbid, but that's just what it is. I'm not scared though, I've just got to be careful.

Loyalty

I pride myself on the unrelenting friendship that I give. Anyone that's ever been close to me will tell you that I'm one of the most loyal and ride or die people that you'll ever meet. I've lent (given) money, I've given countless rides, I've taken in 6 couch surfers over the years, I've taken a multitude of phone calls from friends crying about relationship issues, I've fed people, and I've pretty much been the kind of friend that I'd like to have.

The one thing I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate is betrayal. I've recently had to deal with betrayal from family, of all things. I can't say that I'm all that surprised, but yes, I am hurt. It's cool though. Sadly, my family hasn't been all that supportive of me throughout the years anyway but it's effed up when someone dies and folks come out of the wood works to apologize for being douchebags, only to turn around and continue being douchebags later. I can't say that I'm too hurt though, because every time I fall out with them, I turn around and see how loyal my true friends are. And although I'm not religious, I've got to admit that someone or something out there truly loves me, because I'm surrounded by some of the most incredible friends that a woman could hope for.

As a matter of fact, I recently hit up my friend Portia and asked her if I was overreacting in being pissed about the betrayal. She told me that I as absolutely justified and gave the example of how when my stalker (y'all know, the slutbag bitch that won't get a damned life) sent her a friend invite on Facebook, she promptly deleted it. I was absolutely floored. I'd had no idea that sleezy skeezer tried to buddy up to a friend of mine, but my homie squashed it before it even started. Now that is my HOMIE!! Portia didn't even call me and ask me what to do, she simply decided on her own that she wasn't going to buddy up with someone that I wasn't cool with. I honestly would have reacted the same way. The cool thing was that she didn't even find it necessary to tell me about it until now. She simply did right by me, and kept it moving.

The funny thing is that one of my betrayers is actually someone that I'd fallen out with before and only linked back up with recently. That person had the nerve to make some really fucked up comments about my son and I promptly put her ass on my "not to be fucked with" list. So for 2 years she called me, texted me, emailed me, and even tried to talk to relatives to get me to be cool with her again. My response was always the same- apologize for what you said about my kid. For 2 years, she refused to apologize. And for 2 years, I told her to kiss my ass.

I remember how once, a few days before Christmas, she hit me up and told me she wanted us to be cool. I demanded an apology for disrespecting my baby. She refused. I hung up. She called back and told me that a friend of hers had recently lost a relative, and she didn't want us to be strained. Again, I demanded an apology. Again, she refused. Again I hung up. She did eventually apologize. It's just sad that she had to miss so much of my son's life because of her own goddamned ego. And now she's doing this fucked up shit. I'm not surprised.

I have to admit, being the object of someone's hate isn't all that new for me. Hell, even getting text messages from the people that supposedly hate me, begging for a relationship with me isn't new. I just find it humorous that so many people seem to hate me so much, yet those same people are the ones that contact ME. If I'm such a bitch, leave me alone and let me live my life. There are far more people that love me for who and what I am, so if I'm a bitch, or childish, or whatever people want to call me, dammit, let me do me. I think that those same people that claim to hate me, underneath it all, understand what a wonderful friend I really am, and they know they're missing out. They really hate me because I've done good for them, they eventually fucked up, and I cut them off, so they're missing my friendship. Enter the misplaced hate. They hate me for moving on without them, and they hate me for doing good without their friendship. They should really hate themselves for missing out on me. I think they secretly do.

It's all good though. My son has over a dozen pretend aunts that love him more than he'll ever know. If pretend aunts are more loyal than his real aunts, that's good enough for us.

what won't make it with me into 2010

i've been through more shit than a little bit for the last month. i'm trying to be positive and stay the cynical, twisted mofo that you've all come to know and love, but unfortunately there have been negative forces at hand, working to knock me off of my core. here i will compile a list of people, habits, and ideas that WILL NOT follow me into the new year. my goal is to lay low for the rest of 2009 and focus on being the hot milf that i normally am and focus on making 2010 work for me.

1) this skanky ass whore that my roommate is fucking. i haven't written about her, but this hoe is ungrateful, uncouth, a hypocrite, and a walking example of why i think church should be avoided. this ignorant cunt considers herself a minister. bitch please. anyway, this loud, country, big ass fake hoodrat is OFFICIALLY not even on my radar for the upcoming year.

2) staying here!! my apartment makes me miserable. i'm ready to take my baby and relocate to a cozy little home in decatur. perhaps pookie will come with me, perhaps not. either way, i'm high tailing it to my new home. this isn't gonna be my residence for all of 2010.

3) jealous ass relatives. one of my relative had the GALL to crack on my son for being non-verbal. those that live in glass crack pipes shouldn't throw stones. anyway, my baby is here and he's mine. i love every hair on his head and i wouldn't change a thing about him. as a matter of fact, any jealous hoes that can't get or keep a man, or that were too damned lazy to raise their own kids, need to keep their nose up out of me and mine. my son is happy and healthy and he loves is mama! and i love him back.

4) negative relatives. another had the nerve to say that i'm living off of pookie. i'm very blessed that pookie was around to help me get out of school. now the plan is for me to help him get out of school. petty, bitter ass women kill me being mad anytime a woman has a good man around to help her. i hauled ass to graduate from school for my son. i'm not planning to be the same kind of parental support (or lack there of) that i had. dad held me down. as for the other parent...

5) unemployment. thankfully i've been able to spend a lot of time with my son, and that is absolutely precious. but the time has come for me to make major bread. i'm making a little money through one of the websites i'm writing for, but i need more paper. 2010 is going to be the year of gainful employment for me. dad has a good connect for me, so while i wait for other things to pop off, i'll have a side gig to make some decent money.

6) negativity in general. all of these negative folks have really rocked me. i try so hard to stay the course, but i'm only human and i feel like i've got the world on my shoulders. i'm blessed with some of the dopest and most loyal friends (and select fam) that a girl could ask for. i wish i could let them all know from the bottom of my heart how much their friendship has meant to me. i'll lean more on them and remember to reflect the positive vibes that they give me.

7) chloe. this chick is too fucking pathetic to even care about. man, that heifer even came on here, leaving comments, hoping that she'd start beef with me, and direct traffic to her blog. i deleted her comments and kept it rolling. perhaps if she wrote about more than just her cats and her baby daddy, someone would give a damn about what she's doing. and i don't even know for sure what she writes about, but the only thing that disease infested cumbucket has going for herself is the dude she tricked into knocking her up and her fucking his best friend. i know, classy, right? anyway, that pathetic skeezer is also falling off the radar. hopefully her wack ass won't pop back up. but then again, she's my stalker, so i've come to expect that she'll try to pop up because she's starved for my attention. of course she's really just jealous of me, but she tries to hide that with her pretend hatred of me. if she wasn't such a nobody, i'd actually pity her. moving on...

8) expectations. so often i get disappointed when i try to label or place things were i think they need to be. i'm going to let go of the things that i can't control and accept things as they are and as they're meant to be. i've got no expectations of me and pookie or much else. actually, i have decided what direction pookie and i should move in and he and i are on the same page, which i'm happy about. i'm not going to elaborate on it, but we both know what the best thing for eachother and our friendship is. anyway, i'm setting a few personal and professional goals, but other than that, i'll simply give it to the higher power, while i try to focus on being the best person i can be.

so there we have it. my list of things that won't make it into 2010 with me. i'm going to bed now. i had to get that off of my chest. nighties all.

Open Invitations

Recently, I went outside to talk with my neighbor as she walked her daughter from the bus stop. Coincidentally, another neighbor was with her (woman I'd seen around, but never met before), and her son and my son took to eachother instantly. I was really glad to see my son playing with someone his own age, since he's normally not really social with other children. Not only that, my son isn't all that verbal, so I've been making it a point to try to get him to hang with other kids so he'll start to talk. The other woman said that her son has 3 sisters and she was glad to see him interacting and getting to wrestle and play around with another boy. Seeing the mutually beneficial relationship in this, we agreed that we should let our sons get together more often.

Being a stay at home mother myself, I asked her if she was home during the day. She replied that no, she's not home during the day, but her husband is. She was implying that she would have no problem with me going to her home so our sons could play while she was working and her husband was home. I guess she sensed my apprehension, so she followed it with telling me that she was home on Fridays and that the kids could get together then. I nodded and agreed that Fridays are good.

As I sat back and reflected on it later, I couldn't believe that she would invite me into her home, with her husband while she was gone. WTF?! She is obviously a very trusting woman and I'm sure that her husband is a great guy. But there is absolutely no way I'd meet a woman, speak with her casually, not know a damned thing about her, and invite her into my home, with my man, while I'm gone. While I do understand the necessity of our kids playing together, it's certainly not worth inviting what could be a bad look.

I made it known that I would go by on Fridays instead, because I don't want my name or likeness to be associated with any foolishness (okay, ANYMORE foolishness, but don't judge me). The last thing I need is for one of my neighbors to go to her and claim that they saw me going by the house all dressed up, and I was in her home for a while with the door closed. No ma'am. If I'm home with my son and we're really restless, at most, I may knock on the door and ask the husband and his little ones to come out and play. I don't even think I'd go into his home to tinkle. It's just not worth it.

I told myself that one day, I'd invite my two female neighbors over for a glass of wine, and once we chilled and got to talking about relationships and whatnot, I'd tell her to be careful about who she invites into her home. I was woman enough to avoid a bad situation. The next time, she may not be so lucky.

Victory Through Violence- I Beat My Bully's Ass

i've talked at length about growing up and hating myself. there was a person in my life that physically and verbally assaulted me for years. she made me hate myself. and i'm not gonna put who that cunt is out there (because she doesn't deserve a mention on my precious blog), but long story short, she and i just go into a fight. and I WHOOPED HER ASS!!! god, i feel so GOOD!! i spent my whole life being afraid of a chick who was only able to pull my hair! i feel like was fighting a 16-year-old white girl!! She kept saying "put your hands on me!!" so i pushed her!! she obviously wasn't expecting me to push her since she fell on her butt! so ensue fight!!

*hugging my mothereffing self!!*

i feel like i got that monkey off my back. i don't think that i'll ever need to raise my hands to another person again because i was finally able to beat the ass of the chick that really deserved it. all of my anger and negative energy and thoughts are gone! i feel nothing but love and inner peace. i'm actually smiling over here. this is the first time in my life that i've ever walked away from a fight with a smile on my face. i feel like i could run a mile. goodness knows that i won't because i'm still lazy as hell, but i feel like i could.

not only did i beat her, i beat my demons! i beat my fear!!! i conquered her!! i should be upset. i should be over here nursing wounds, but i don't have any!! i did it!! i don't advocate violence. quite the opposite (although quite honestly, i do wish i'd have thrown more punches). but much like the man i was named after (El Hajj Malik Shabaaz aka Malcolm X), i feel that sometimes you have to swing the axe. and i did. i beat her ass for all of those little Black girls who somebody told them they wouldn't be shit. i beat her ass for all of those women that have had some negative jealous bitch tell her that she didn't deserve love. YOU DO DESERVE LOVE!! i know because I HAVE LOVE!! i hated myself for so long, but i didn't have to!! i beat her ass and i beat MY DEMONS!!

this is the third best thing that's ever happened to me after giving birth and graduating college. and i'd GLADLY do it again.

p.s. gosh she's silly. she just sent me a LONG series of text messages saying that she got a loc of hair. a) that's not true, my hair is pretty healthy and i checked, all of my locs are in place. she's also threatening to call the police. sorry, no fear. no one comes into my home and cuts up the way she did. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! i'm getting stronger and stronger.