It's In the Eyes

I've got a homeboy who I haven't spoken to in a while. I have tons of love for him. We still speak on occasion, but life does what it does. Back when we talked more frequently, my homeboy often spoke harshly of his ex-wife, to the point of blaming her for his health challenges. I love my homeboy, but I've known him for years, and there's a strong chance that his ex isn't the the problem that he'd made her out to be. I never knew who she was, but occasionally, I'd wish I'd been a fly on the wall in their relationship,  just to see how accurate his account of things was.

I got curious the other day. I did some digging and I found her. She doesn't seem like the crazy, manipulative bitch that he made her out to be, but social media has a way of softening images.  But then when I looked closely at her page, I see a woman who seems like she's trying to find herself. Honestly, I know that look when I see it. I can look in a woman's eyes and tell when she's exhausted. I know the eyes of a woman who did everything she could to keep a relationship together and finally chose herself. Those eyes are hollow, but searching, yearning. Exhausted. I really wanted to reach out. To hug her. To tell her that it'll be okay and she'll get through this. 

My poor homeboy went through something catastrophic a while back and I looked at her page for the day after it occurred. They'd been divorced a few years by that point. She smiled. But I saw her eyes. I saw eyes that had given their all and tried to make sense of things. In my 40-something years on this planet, I'm finally learning not to insert myself. I deeply wanted to follow her. To reach out and offer support. I knew my homeboy would shit bricks if I did. I chose peace and opted to instead, wish her the best from afar and maintain my distance.

I know that look so well, because I saw it for months, if not years. Looking in the mirror and seeing misery and self-loathing as you try to pick up your life and get back to business.

It's weird to know how much my peace and happiness infuriates other people, especially men. I'm at 15 months without sex now and I have so much more peace in life. I look at my social media and I see laughter, friends, and good times. My eyes finally show joy. And I'll be damned if they ever again show anything else.

Seasons

This time of year is kinda difficult for me. Like a lot of people, I thoroughly enjoy the changing of the weather. We went from winter's cold, dark, long days, to brighter, happier, and lighter. I've been outside more and as I slide on into Pumpkin graduating high school, I've taken to these streets like nobodies business. It feels amazing to have the sun on my back again and being able able to dress to match the weather. Almost time for the tank tops and sandals. I'm weighing out a weekend beach trip soon. It feels like we're being rewarded for making it through another dreary winter.

And while I'm always welcoming the warm, sunny days of spring, it also brings a reminder of something else- March 4th was the 5th anniversary of Andrea's death, in addition to Pete's death. I remember in 2021 how that was the first time that the anniversary of Pete's death was happening and I wasn't starting to spiral. And then I look up and get the text message that Andrea was gone. It just occurred to me that Pete left 9 years ago and I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it's been so long. It's been so long for both deaths, but it feels like it was just yesterday.

So I'm currently juggling being grateful to be out and happy and still juggle the complex feelings regarding their loss. On top of that, tonight is Art, Beats, and Lyrics, which was previously hosted by Dres. I never went before. He'd always tell me to get on the reservation list, but I always assumed that I'd have time to get on the list, but I never did, so I always missed them. This will be my first time visiting it, and it will mean a lot, because not just is this the first without Dres, but Jody was always big on ABL as well. And Jody leaned on Dres for support, as they navigated their sicknesses. So essentially, while I'm celebrating the work of my friends, I can't help but to remember what I lost as well. I didn't lose people I partied with. I lost family.

Last night, while on a bit of a club crawl, I ended the night at MJQ. At least the old location. They're still working to get the clientele back up, but Majestik was there, who was Dres' dj on Fantastic Fridays.  I have a hard time walking in lately. I always want to go into the main room, where Dres is dancing on the stage and rocking the crowd. He'll hug me, give me a kiss on the cheek, and then go do his thing. Sometimes, we'd go to the Majestic Diner afterwards. And I'll never get that again.

While hanging last night, I ran into a mutual friend of me and Andreas. We both marveled at the fact that she's been gone for 5 years now. The mutual told me a few other sad details about the end of Andrea's life.  I knew that she had some things going on, but I never knew it was like that. Coincidentally, I was wearing a sweater that said "happy" but I can't say that by the end of the night, that I was matching that mood. I ducked out early.

Deep down, I know that I'm fortunate and blessed to consider these people a part of my journey. A friend of mine recently remarked that I lost so many people, because I know so many people. And it's true. I love this beautiful weather. But I love my friends, and I miss them too.

Countdown and Time Away

Roughly 4 years ago, I started asking myself how many days I had until Pumpkin was out of high school. I wanted to move to L.A. desperately, and I knew even then that being on my own would allow me the freedom. At the time, I had roughly 1700 days to go. Almost daily, I'd google how many days until my release date. Obviously, I did make the leap to L.A. at some point, but I hadn't factored in the inability to find housing, based on that stupid eviction moratorium. I don't regret the move. It set me on a path of some new stuff that I didn't anticipate that I would need. It was a bit of a reset and by the time I came back, I didn't realize how much I'd be in hustle mode. I ended up making more money and buying a house, two things that I did not anticipate, and that move cross country allowed it all to happen.

And now, here I am, with less than 100 days to go. Strangely enough, I feel guilty for counting down so heavily. I'd never be on of those parents who kicked my kid out at 18. I tell everyone how a large part of me buying a house was that he'd always have a place to return to, no matter what. I saw how the older generations treated the young adults back then, essentially telling them "figure it out" when stuff got hard and they just needed a hand. I was fortunate enough to create a soft landing for my baby, as these houses were getting expensive. Truthfully, sometimes, I wish I'd gotten a bigger house, but I intentionally got a ranch-style home, with then intention to age in place. But the fact is, this house is plenty big for just me and one other person. I didn't want a huge palace (not that I could afford one), that would eventually require a lot of stairs, in the event that my hip or knees got bad.

I still want a larger house, and sometimes, I consider adding on a room, or at least knocking down a wall, but for now, there are other expenses to consider. Plus I do actually enjoy that cleaning my house would only take roughly an hour, if I had to get stuff together. All and all, I'm grateful.

Last year, I took a road trip to NYC and got a hotel in Times Square and decided that I wanted my Pumpkin to have a similar experience, and for his spring break, that's what we'll be doing. This weather lifting is genuinely doing something for me. Spring tends to do that for me though. Spring in Atlanta is a lot like summer in L.A. Kinda breezy, but pleasant, warm and inviting. It just makes you want more. This time of year is a little weird for me and it tends to make long for L.A. living. I'm grateful that I bought a house before I was priced out, but it leaves a difficulty of how to go there, while maintaining this. I have a few ideas, but I've decided that I'm going to either wait until Pumpkin graduates, or a least is in his junior year of college, before I head back out west.

I'm desperately trying to work as much as I can and get up extra coins to cover all of my upcoming expenses. I'd considered hopping a plane for a weekend in L.A. but I'd have to cover a plane ride, a rental car, hotel and food, and right now, I just can't justify that added expense. I'm in desperate need of a vacation though. Coincidentally, I was talking to my therapist the other day, and I'd shared with her that I know for a fact that if I'd flown in and told Fred that I needed a ride around town, he'd gladly grab me. But I don't need those issues, so that's a no-go. Actually, a girlfriend of mine is supposed to be having a movie premier soon in L.A., so I'd be willing to go for that, and pay all of the expenses, but I'm waiting to get word. And of course, Fred is in the film too, so I'd see him if it happens, but I'll cross that burned bridge when I get to it.

Even though me and the kid have a plane to NYC to hop next month, I've been itching for some sun and the beach. I'm leaning heavily towards a weekend in Destin or Biloxi. Likely gonna do Biloxi though. I'd mentioned to The Kid that I was considering a long weekend in Biloxi and I'm grateful that he said "I'll just stay home" even though I hadn't invited him. Obviously, I'd welcome him on the trip, if he wanted, but a solo trip to the beach would be amazing. I don't think I've had a solo beach trip since I was pregnant with him. 

My new favorite person is a DJ, who has reminded me of many of my favorite old tunes. My playlist improves by leaps and bounds every time I go hear him spin. Today, while I drove home from dinner with Pumpkin, I'd allowed some of the playlist to wash over me, as I felt the warm wind blowing through the windows of my car. I envisioned myself driving through cute little shops in Biloxi, or possibly some other beach town. I decided that a beach trip needs to happen and it needs to happen soon. I'm so ready to be free and just live my life untethered to a high schooler. Bring it.