Failure to Assess and Launch

I'm really excited about a few things I have planned. It's like all of those years of struggling are finally coming together to make sense. If  you take a look at my life, divine timing is definitely real. When I speak to people at work and in my personal life, I have no issue holding up myself as an example of what can happen when you hold your head and work through those challenges.

My modus operandi is to always have several backup plans and always expect the unexpected. Those two things have helped me land on my feet time and time again, because I'm not often caught off guard. I've had people accuse that mindset of me being "negative" but the fact is (knock on wood) my bills are paid on time, even when circumstances are shaky.

I talked a while back about my therapist labeling me a track star and how I had to sit in that for a while, trying to figure out my life. I did more processing than a little around the label of being a runner. I wanted to asses it inside and out. Is it really me? And if so, what can I do about it?

I even checked in with some of my good friends, to get their opinions on it. At one point, I reached out to my homeboy Tony. Tony is kind of cute and we've always had a flirtatious relationship. I called him the other night, again wracking my brain with news of my new label. Tony plainly said to me "if you don't think you're a runner, what's the issue?" 

I explained to him that therapy is about me learning myself. I mean, ignoring my flaws doesn't make them go way. Tony said that if I don't agree with the term, then it simply doesn't apply. I said to him that even though I may not like what someone says, that doesn't make it untrue. And that we become better versions of ourselves by being honest with ourselves and assessing honest criticism.

I could almost feel Tony checking out. That's when I told him that we should at least hear what people with good intentions have to say about us. I mean, naturally I don't listen to every critical word that some idiot says about me. But if someone who cares, or better yet, the psychologist that I pay out of pocket, gives an honest assessment of my character, it bears being examined.

But something about the way he just kinda, I dunno, checked out at the thought of examining honest criticism. I wasn't just turned off, I was honestly a bit disgusted. Like how can you, as a grown ass man in your 40s, be so opposed to acknowledging anything wrong with yourself? To the point where you check out when someone is processing their own criticism?

When I recognized that Tony's response was just to bury his head, I was so... UGH. I mean, I was legitimately a repulsed. And I used to think that Tony was so cute. But when that happened, I looked at my life and I looked at Tony's life. I met him when I was in undergrad at Kennesaw in my 20s. Since then I've finished undergrad, did some living, and went to grad school. Meanwhile, I've worked in mental health for 15 years. I have a career. I've had several relationships, some obviously better than others. My resume gets me pretty much any job I have my eyes on. I have a job with a well-respected organization. I have a pension. I have a short-term plan and a long-term plan. And Tony has evolved by... well, by not much.

All because of his refusal to accept and access honest feedback and become a better version of himself. I don't understand how someone's ego can be so fragile that they'd rather stay complacent in life than to grow and build.

I guess that's why I'm flourishing, and he's, well, not.