NPC/Birthday World

(I started this blog before my actual birthday, but never got to post it. So here's both of them.)

My birthday is in 2 days. I'm excited. I'm ready. The big 44. This time last year, I was in California, heading to Alaska, to enjoy my day. This year, I'm resting at home, getting ready for my uncle's funeral. It is what it is. He was unhappy and grieving his wife for a long time. 

I'm glad that I have a therapy appointment on my birthday, it seems very fitting. I tend to get contemplative around that day, so discussing things with a professional only seems right. Things are still pretty good. I visited Alaska, not once but TWICE this year. I'm growing comfortably in my job, and hoping that at some point I'll be paid more than someone flipping burgers. I've been thinking about making a few changes in my life, however.

First is that I'm unsure about my plans to move to Los Angeles long-term, the way I first intended. I'd still like to stay there for a while, but not as long as I'd anticipated. One of the things that I'd forgotten is how antisocial L.A. Okay, it's not really antisocial, it's just that the social interactions are all surface. You can meet someone and have an amazing conversation, and they'll go on about their business and not even attempt to stay in touch. So you'll meet someone you gel with, and they'll have little-to-no interest in maintaining a friendship afterwards. For me, a true social butterfly, I thrive on genuine connections. I'm not sure how I'd do long-term in a place that doesn't value that the same way that I do. But there are other parts of Cali and other places that I'm exploring.

Another thing is that I'm going to scale back on dating for a while. I continue to go back to how when left to my own devices, my life is amazing. But every time I allow anything with a penis to get near me, my goals get sidetracked and I get wrapped up in their shit. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

My plan is pretty much to hang out with my "date" for my birthday, and then go cold turkey on sex. The fact is, whether I said it out loud or not, the whole roster has been scrapped. I'm just so sick of it. I honestly feel like men treat me like some sort of NPC (non-player character). I'm tired of being treated like a background character in other people's stories. I'm the support, the cheerleader, the sex chick, the friend, the confidant and therapist. But the second they get bored or whatevs, I'm treated like I never mattered. And it isn't always just about sex. 

I'm starting to acknowledge that I've held onto some very unhealthy habits, along with some unhealthy people. I just wanna do-over. And my birthday seems like the perfect time and place for it. Get back into the gym, start focusing on my health again. Get back to writing and reading. Just start focusing on my goals again. My son graduates high school in 2 years, and I'm currently focusing on preparing him for the next leg of life. With that leg will possibly come my move, cross country.

This time last year, around this time, although I did not anticipate it, I'd started roughly a 5 month sexless stint. And that stint was pretty good for me. And I'd like to get back to that again. Time to start getting on my budgeting and long and short-term plans. Men are a distraction and I'm sick of holding them up, while all they do is hold me back. Two years to hunker down and stay focused on what I want and need.

Let's get it!

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My birthday was pretty tame. I took an earlier trip to Cali, to catch a meteor shower, that ended up being pretty underwhelming. It wasn't long, only a couple of days, and it happened before my birthday. I visited Yosemite again, spent some time with some homies, saw a play and flew on back.

By the time my big day hit, I'd already scheduled to be with my therapist that day at 2pm. I basically shared with her some things I'd been processing. I told her that I was ready to move forward and let it go, but she'd told me that the things that I was processing would take a bit more to work out. Ugh, I hate it when she's right. I'll probably never go to a therapist on my birthday again. As much as I adore Dr. T, I hated going to so deep on my birthday. There were definitely some things that I needed to report to her and process, but I try to keep my birthday light and unpacking things on that day just kinda set the tone for me must kinda going internal.

I didn't even have sex on my birthday. Once again, I was disappointed. But then, I wasn't. It was like a sign that I'm starting this chapter of my life only doing for me. That an my brightly pedicured toes, coupled with breakfast with one friend and dinner with my son were an amazing way to spend some time. I was blessed and honored that so many people wanted to spend my special day with me.

I was surprised when some people from my past attempted to pop back up, on some "can't we all just get along?" mess. Nah, I'm good. You stay way the fuck over there, and let me be great and bask in my own amazingness over here.

I ended up spending the weekend in Virginia, with my family, to say goodbye to my Uncle Jack. Jack was my mom's last living relative, outside of us kids. And she's got one cousin left, and he's in pretty bad shape. That's it. I asked her how that feels. she said "it sucks" and I can only imagine.

It's put in me in my head about some things. I mean, my uncle was just the latest in so many losses I've experienced since young adulthood. Most people only know the loss of one or two people. I guess I'm "fortunate" enough to have lost way more. And it does, in some ways, get a bit easier. And in other ways, it still hurts, and it's still unfair, and all you can do is try to make sense of it. At least both of my parents are still around. I can say though, working in hospice gives you a different view of death and dying, so at least I have that to have shielded and protect me.

I'm kinda enjoying that I'm currently  going incognito lately. I like it. I am freeing myself from social obligations and just spending my time focusing and writing. I wish it was colder though. It's so much easier to go internal when the weather is cold. You can just kinda cocoon with a nice mug of coffee and hide from the world. 

Overall, 44 seems to be pretty nice. I look and feel amazing. I was at the doctor yesterday, and they casually remarked how good my blood pressure is. Now I have to get back into having the diet of an adult and get this blood sugar lower. Thankful that it isn't off the charts either though. I have a few things in the pipeline and I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially planning and readying myself for life as an empty nester. I'm so excited for this chapter. I have my peace. 

I make 44 look good!