Day by Day

Initially, I anticipated cleaning and saging my home as the ball dropped. In reality, I was knocked out in my bed, from a 6pm "cat nap" that rolled on into midnight, when I was suddenly awakened by celebratory gunfire. Not the best symbolic way to spend New Year's Eve, but hey, I'll take it. I was knocked out because I stayed up late dying my hair last night and I made a trip to the gym where I made the elliptical my bitch. I recently decided to get a personal trainer for a while. I didn't think I'd see much benefit initially, but he's really pushed me. His goal is to knock out this stubborn type-2 diabetes, which is a goal I can get behind. I say quite often how turning 40 is wild because it seems like people just start dropping like flies, and my goal is to not be on that list. At least not dropping dead from something I have moderate control over, so diet and exercise it is.

On of my artist friends hit me up this evening and as we were catching up, he asked me to be his date for an event in February. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm always looking for a reason to get dressed up, so I'm already looking forward to this. I have a cocktail dress planned already, but at the rate I'm getting it in the gym and turning down the sweets, I'll either have to get the dress altered, or buy a new dress, but that's a pretty awesome problem to have.

And in a few weeks, Dexter is going to be performing a jazz concert with some friends at a local museum, so I'm also looking forward to dressing up and meeting up with him there. Things are still casual with Dex, but we still catch up on occasion. 

I'm considering myself solidly single, but I'm really good with that. Things with Love kind of fell flat, but that's okay. Essentially, the reason that we initially broke up is still very much there. It made me glad that I broke up with him originally and I see that I would have been a miserable wreck had I stayed with  him. I continue to say and mean that I'd rather be alone and able to live life on my own terms than to be with someone and have to shrink myself to make them comfortable.

I was hanging out with a new homeboy earlier. He was telling me about his divorce and his new girlfriend. Dude hooked me up with food (which I gladly accepted), and then casually mentioned how he would have to text his new gf to tell her that I stopped in. I was perplexed and didn't understand the necessity to tell her why I was there. Not that I felt that my presence should have been a secret, we had nothing to hide.

But the idea of having to track every encounter with the opposite sex didn't seem right to me. I mean, if we'd been sexual partners in the past, or had there been some sneaking suspicion about something between us, I'd understand. But my response was almost visceral to him feeling that he needed to check in. I ran by him that perhaps he felt the need to check in with his new boo after being married for almost half of his life. I asked if he'd operated like that in his past relationship, and he admitted that he did. I asked if he hoped to continue that precedence in his new relationship, and he shared that he did not.

Whenever I hear things like that, I am reminded of why I have such a fear of commitment. I don't want to track my movements with anyone. I don't want to ask permission to meet with friends. I don't want someone criticizing and critiquing me. I don't want to be a caged bird.

It took so many years of learning to love myself on my own terms, that I don't want to feel like I need someone else to make me feel valid and valuable, especially not a man.

I guess I should look at some New Year's resolutions, but the fact is that I hate them. They're so cliched. But I try to really focus on the things I want and need for myself. I like the idea of actual goals. Occasionally, I mentally go back to the night I sat in my friend's record shop and realized that I'm back and how energized I felt that night.

I spoke with my cousin today, who is Ali's brother. My cousin lost both his only sibling and his father within a few months of one another. I explained to him how I'm just now feeling like I can breathe again. The last few years, I didn't realize how much I was barely holding myself together. Between having to move back from Cali, being fired from jobs, my money being fucked up, my ex trying to kidnap my kid, the shitty boyfriend, and losing my favorite cousin and uncle, back to back, I was emotionally depleted. My dear cousin admitted that he too is finally coming back.

So yeah, I don't really have any resolutions, but I do have goals and things I hope to center more in my life. I want to do better about staying in touch with new and old friends. Before I go to sleep tonight, I want to compile a list of people I hope to hang out with soon. I want to continue to focus on exercising and lowering my sugar/starch intake. I want to focus more on my creativity. I want to continue to increase awareness of mindfulness to others and finish writing both books (an admitted goal from last year that has poured over into this year), and I want to get my savings up. I want to continue to center my inner peace.

I think that in my journey, I want my inner peace to continue to be my center. My goal. My end. And I'm proud at how much I easily walk away from anything that takes away from that. I don't have a million resolutions. I'm not on a manhunt to find a husband, or even a boyfriend. I'm just relearning who I am and really learning to like this person. This woman. She's dope. I'm proud of that.