Competing with the Non-Compitetive

I attribute it to my traumatic upbringing with my sisters, but I have come to see that for some reason, some women just hate my damned guts. And it's not even necessarily anything that I've done or said, for some reason, some women just can't stand me. It doesn't matter that I've been nothing but polite, it doesn't matter if I stay out of their way, their target is often aimed at me. And the fact is that it's ridiculous and exhausting.

I've said recently how I started a retail job. Nothing too heavy, just a few days a week to contribute to savings and to be a bit more social, outside of home. I've been a cashier for so long, that this is really old hat. The only issue seems to be that one of the managers there (coincidentally, the same woman who hired me) has really seemed to have a strong disliking for me. And perhaps if this job were my main source of income, I'd care a bit more. But it isn't and I don't.

It started slowly. I happened to stop by the dressing room to chat with a coworker when I was off the clock and Goofy Chick (hereby referred to as GC) stopped by the dressing room to tell me that I was not to be talking to coworkers off the clock, as they work. Er? I let it slide. A different time, she got snotty with me over a headset between coworkers, over something that could have easily been addressed in person. Another day, I got paid from my main job, and mentee (the woman who got me the job) asked that I buy her a $40 pair of earrings. I'd just gotten paid, so I said sure (with the expectation that she pay me back). Another time, I was talking to a customer about my Coach bag collection, and I laughed about having 5 of them (I miscounted, I actually have 8 lol). That particular conversation was more so about how I called my mother bougie for owning the bags when I was a child, but I ended up purchasing them anyway.

Another moment was when I'd brought my laptop into work 2 days in a row, because I was having IT issues and needed to take it into work. I opted to bring it in and have it locked away, so that I did not have to risk it being stolen from my car and me then being tasked with the painstaking ordeal of replacing a government laptop. At the end of my shift, I went to the GC and asked her to unlock my laptop from the office. She then "jokingly" gave me grief about stashing my laptop under her desk (I had no damned clue that it was her desk, I merely stashed the thing where I was told), and walked in to find that she'd placed it elsewhere in the locked room. Honestly, I feel that as a retail worker, she felt some kind of way about seeing evidence of me having a life outside of our job, in addition to me having evidence of doing well financially outside of the gig.

I've mentioned to my colleagues that I feel that GC has a bit of a problem with me. They've all assured me that she's cool and couldn't possibly feel some type of way about me, as there's no need. And then today happened. I made my schedule so that I put down my free days 3 days a week, to not interfere with my other free time. I walked in today, ready for work, and was met by surprised looks- apparently, I wasn't on the schedule. As a matter of fact, I'm only on the schedule for 1 of my 3 open days. Fine by me, right? Heck, I'll take my ass to the gym, and post up in a coffeehouse somewhere. I pondered out loud why my schedule was what it was, especially during the holidays. I mean, I even was asked to come in during the past weekend (which I did), so clearly, there are a glut of hours to be worked.

But then someone happened to say in passing "I don't know, GC makes the schedule." I immediately knew what happened. I made it known to the managers that I am more than happy to take back my time and go home. I was again encouraged to stay. I even said to the store manager that I saw that I'm schedule off later in the week, and he pretty much told me to bring my ass on in to work my regular shift anyway. So GC tried to cut my coins, only to have her supervisor tell me to work anyway.

I worked my shift, as usual. No changes. But deep down, I was- I dunno, confused? GC was there, and she said nothing about the schedule change. She didn't bring it up, nor did I. I've been told (before today) that I should talk to her. But the fact is that I don't care about her enough to talk. This job is not my bread and butter (that's such an amazing feeling), nor do I really care about her thoughts or feelings about me to go hard for this.

I've had a previous job where a supervisor (also a woman) was just as petty. She'd make it a point to publicly go against me in meetings and say really slick shit out the side of her neck, once again, while in meetings. But during one-on-ones, she was a lamb. That was quite possibly one of the most toxic jobs I've ever had.

What always confused me about that job was once again, I didn't see myself competing with that supervisor. But I could tell from her catty and passive aggressive actions that she constantly found it necessary to keep me in my place. I didn't get it. I still don't. The funny thing is that I have continued to flourish in my career since leaving that dump. I couldn't be paid enough to go back there. I even continued to have nightmares about that job for 2 years after I left.

While with Dr. D last week, I'd found myself talking about how when I used to to church with Love, I noticed that the women there were a bit standoffish as well. Love isn't exactly a serial dater, so having the cute, middle-aged single Black man (and a well-respected member of his church, a minister, no less) suddenly pop up with me on his arm, couldn't have been too desired. Good thing they didn't talk to me, because had they known that his new girlfriend wasn't even a Christian, they probably would have burned him at the stake. But even then, I didn't consider myself in competition with those women. Love and I really enjoyed one another. And our relationship had nothing to do with any of those women who overtly ignored me whenever we bumped into one another in the ladies' room.

I'm just over this. I'm just in here to get outside of the home, be social, and collect my coins towards buying a home. That's it. I feel like the pied piper, just collecting bitter, angry, jealous ass women (and a few dudes), who'd rather hate me, than to take stock and fix the issues in their own lives. 

Look y'all, I'm not your competition. Never have, never was. But I gotta warn you. That by choosing not to compete, I'm already the VIP. Because I'm going to be joyful and love myself no matter what you do or say. I already won the match, and I haven't even warmed up yet.