Mindful Detachment

Ugh. So I'm proud of myself, but sometimes I miss my petty side. As I worked on my journal today at work, I had an epiphany of sorts. I need to detach. Earlier in the day, I met with a woman who asked me to mentor her. She's new to town and trying to land a job and meet up with a few people I'm connected with. I told her that I don't play about my mentorship and I'm all about accountability. She said she needed that. I got her resume updated under my care. Then it was time for me to head to work.

My first caller of the night contacted me and he was angry, and I was annoyed. By the end of the call, the man told me that I should be a therapist and that I helped him so much. I've heard it several times at work from people I speak with and I struggle to accept that. While I work, I picked up my journal and picked up from where I was last.

Today's entry was about mindfulness. Right up my alley. It called for me to meditate on my mindfulness intention. Again, right up my alley. But I wasn't being completely honest with myself. I was troubled. I needed to detach. I started to feel that what was mine was no longer mine and it held me in a negative loop. It became clear to me that I need to detach. The beautiful thing is that detachment isn't the hurt  to me that it once was. I genuinely find beauty in it now. Leaving things as they are, to be weightless just makes sense when you're being held down by negativity.

In short, I decided that I need to step away from my blog space for a while. I love my blog. It is home. It is my safe space. Or at least it was. I will always write. I will always grow and bloom. But I need to eradicate myself from toxic spaces and forces and be light. Not sure when I'll pop up again. Could be weeks or months. Or I may just rename this and find a new safe space, where I can keep all of my entries collected safely together. Or maybe just start another blog entirely? Sounds like a good idea. I dunno tho. I don't really care. But I know that I owe it to myself to move forward, without the weight of shadows. The crazy thing is that I'm not sad or mad. I'm apathetic, but in the most beautiful way. I'm apathetic because I accept that the extra weight that I'm carrying is not good for my soul and I owe it to myself to pursue what makes me happy. True joy is being able to find happiness internally, no matter what you face externally. And there I was.

I'll admit, this was a bit of a last minute decision. But the more I think about it, the more I like it. I've outgrown this space. It's still mine. These are my words, and they carried me and sheltered me through a very chaotic period in my life. But I'm ready to move into another space. I deserve that. I don't consider myself "crazy" and I certainly don't consider my life "hard." Those were only things I encountered when I struggled with myself. I no longer do.

Coincidentally, I've been heavily watching Angela White's transition from Blac Chyna and I have been cheering her on so much. I am so beyond proud of her. I love to see people win anyway, but I light up from inside out when I watch a Black woman win. Some have accused her of exploiting her growth for coins. Obviously, I'll never know what is in the heart of another human being. But one of my favorite videos was when she got her facial fillers removed.

I love how innocent she was during that whole thing. She was almost childlike, her eyes so big. It was all so new and refreshing for her. Her voice high and light. She was clearly stepping into a new space and I was so happy for her.
***

So here it is, the following day, since I never got to submit my post from yesterday. I woke up and pondered on my day. With my child away, I decided to focus on some cleaning and decluttering. I already felt lighter. I knew that I needed to finish off this blog the right way. I debated going to my favorite local coffeehouse, but I chose not to. I needed to take advantage of my energy boost and clean up and just focus and go internal for a while.

My new therapist has talked about me taking meds. I explained to her that my weird tolerance makes it so that my ADHD medication only works for a day or two. Four max. And then it does nothing. It's so frustrating. I've just had to learn new coping mechanisms, but the meds make me so much more functional. I once asked a pharmacist about this, and he said "I don't know, maybe you have a super liver or something." Trust me, that's not nearly as cool as it sounds.

While I was calling around, I decided to check in with my best friend about my new favorite thing, the Afro Unicorn.

While there, we checked in on other things. I told her that I'd been chatting with a local artist who is well-known. He invited me to attend an Art Walk in Asheville in a few weeks. I told her that I'm considering it, but I'm really trying to focus on putting all of my money into my upcoming birthday trip. Plus I'm not sure he's ready to move past his last relationship. Truthfully, I don't care. I'd be okay if we're just friends for a while. I'm not in any kind of rush to get serious with anyone. 

I told bestie that I offered a few hundred bucks to a mutual friend of Fred and mine, so I can crash at her spot for a few when I land in LA. She agreed. She's a creative and well-connected. I really like her. Bestie asked if I plan to see Fred while I'm there. I answered plainly, "nope." 

Fact is that I don't have anything against Fred in this space. I don't hate him. I don't resent him. I don't regret our time together. I appreciate the good. And there were a lot of good times. But I'm ready to move into something else. And that's why I think this is a good place to leave this particular blog. 

Far before I began to follow Buddhism, one of my favorite parts in the movie "What's Love Got to Do With It?" was (not the limo scene) when in court, how Tina Turner wanted nothing but her name when leaving Ike. She didn't want the fancy cars or furs or jewelry. She wanted her name. And I didn't get it at the time, but I certainly do now. She detached herself. She did that to be free. Because I finally realized that only when you detach yourself of worldly things can you really be free to live your life without restrictions, worry, and doubt. I get it now. And I can recognize how my attachment here only fueled another person's unhealthy attachment to me, and in order to try to get my peace back, I gotta peace out.

I'm really starting to see the amazing impact that Buddhism and mindfulness has had on me. I feel freer than I have in my whole life. No excuses. No hostility. No turmoil. I don't feel the need to compare myself to anyone or answer to anyone. I feel perfectly perfect in my own skin. I am eternally grateful for this journey, which was ironically created when I was at my lowest and in the midst of chaos. Yet again, someone causing me pain ultimately saved me from myself. And I'm honestly genuinely grateful. But that doesn't mean that I have to or even should stay here.

I took the Facebook app off of my phone. I still occasionally check in, obviously. But I really want to free myself of attachments. I want to be more present for myself and the people I love. I'm excited to be working to bring so many of my family together this summer. I'm going to travel away from the continental States for the first time in my life. I'm really geeked to be getting into a healthy regimen and considering taking up Zumba. My laptop is clearly on its last leg, and the timing could definitely be better, as I have a big trip, followed by a move to a new apartment in a few months. But I have so much to look forward to. New laptop, new places to visit, new exercise regimen, new home. A whole new world and a new me to explore.

And I can explore and express that anywhere. Or maybe not? And if I do, does it have to be here? I don't think so either.

Replacements

When I was a teenager, I had the strange talent of being able to locate 4-leaf clovers. I remember sitting on the ground during soccer practice, pulling up a half a dozen lucky clovers at a time. While they were rare to everyone else, I'd casually give them away to the people around me, quite sure that I could always find another one, if needed. It was often thought that I must be a pretty lucky child, due to my ability to find so many of them. 

Even just a few weeks ago, I was out with a girlfriend, when she'd just bought some cute stud earrings. As we walked back toward the car, she suddenly realized that the stud she'd tried to put in was missing. On the gravel, the earring was practically a lost cause. Even bringing in a 3rd set of eyes to look for it, we started to accept that she may just be down an earring. But I kept looking. At some point, I looked down and saw it! I picked up the small earring, triumphantly. I guess through it all, my luck (and good eyes) continued to work in my favor.

I made no secret that Ali was my entire world. Even just an hour ago, I continue to find so many pics from times we were hanging out together. He wasn't just my cousin or my friend. He was like my big brother. Before he died, I'd met my second cousin Doc, who lives about 30 minutes away. As I grieve my beautiful cousin, Ali, and discuss him at length, Doc has emerged as an important family figure in my life. I've often told Doc that I wish he'd met Ali. They had so much in common. They are even the same height and complexion. I could see them being drinking partners and taking turns on the grill on hot summer days. *sigh*

While I know there will never be a replacement in my life for Ali, I feel that somehow the Universe saw that I continued to need protection and guidance in the form of a cousin/friend/brother. And I feel like the Universe placed Doc in my life around the same time that Ali transitioned, so that I could still be protected and loved on in his absence. Doc and I have grown together a lot in the last few months and I hope he knows how much I love our relationship.

I've heard it said that when God closes one window, She opens another. I completely think that adage has applied to other parts of my life as well. I have continued to be stalked, bullied, and harassed by my son's father. I'll be honest and say that I'm exhausted from his shit. I honestly thought that in having another child, he'd grow up and move on to be someone else's problem. But that doesn't appear to be the case. I can't begin to get into the mind of a man who I haven't graced with this fantastic coochie in over 10 years. Yet here we are.

But the amazing thing is that literally every time he pulls some bullshit, in the end, it ends up working out in my favor. My child and I have an amazing relationship, because he's gotten to see me under fire. Leaving Atlanta and moving back was an unintended blessing because I came back to great career opportunities, and one day I'll finally be able to make the decent living that I want.

So essentially, every time he does something stupid, like dragging me to court, or even trying to turn my child against me, it never works. It's almost like the worse he does, the more the Universe sets up to replace it with an extra blessing. I know that he's about to drag me back to court. I don't care. I've got my blessings. My son is healthy and blossoming. My health is good. My spirit is amazing. My friends and family are all doing well. So I'm ready and completely expecting whatever bullshit my ex comes with next. It's all good.

                                        

There are dozens of plucked 4-leaf clovers to remind me that I got this and I look forward to whatever blessing is on the other side.

Sandwiches

I was talking to a friend of mine about his experience at Chickfila today. My friend complained that Chickfila was out of lemonade and he wasn't happy. I was kind of perplexed about them being out, mainly because I know their lemonade is made by hand. And all it requires is fresh lemons, water, and sugar, things easily obtained at any grocery store. I only know this because I had a friend who worked at Chickfila when we were in high school and he told me how he was responsible for squeezing the lemons for the lemonade, even though on one particular day, he suffered from some papercuts, resulting in an excruciating shift. The ew factor is only now kicking in, since I am aware now of how that could lead to tainted lemonade and lead to sickness, but that's a different story entirely.

Thinking back on his time a Chickfila took me back to our many hours-long conversations in high school. Looking back, he was always the man in his household, despite now knowing that he was just a baby. I recall how he'd always had jobs and contributed, the oldest boy in home where his father was absent and his mother struggled to care for him and his younger siblings. As I thought about that today, I realized that Pumpkin is now the same age that my friend was then. It's crazy to imagine that my baby is now at an age where he really could be the man of the house, if needed. He's genuinely that thoughtful and kind that if I were not able to care for us, I know that he'd take on the role, and wouldn't complain once.

Today was the first day of spring break, thank God. I'm exhausted from getting my child to and from school. I worked over the weekend. I woke up this morning and watched the last two episodes of Swarm. I'd heard so much about the show, but only once Pumpkin started watching it did I really become curious. He finished the last episode today, perhaps an hour before I did. As the final credits rolled for me, Pumpkin and I dissected the ending. He sat on the floor of my bedroom, while we looked online to find out what the hell we'd just looked at. Pumpkin read aloud what he'd just learned, and we bonded over our fan theories of the show. He talked about his appreciation for Donald Glover, which is what drew him to watch the show to begin with. In those moments, I really realized how much my child is becoming his own person. How thoughtful he is and funny. 

I left out for an appointment early in the afternoon and returned home to rest. My alarm went off and I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. I spend so many days being tired, in constant need of an impromptu nap. My alarm went off, alerting me that the time for my shift was near. I stirred, groggy. I didn't want to get up. I was tired. Mentally drained. Just once, I thought, I'd like for my time to be my own.

Pumpkin was nearby, in his bedroom. He heard me stirring. He heard me vent about how I'm so damned tired and how I just want one day to do absolutely nothing. I'm doing so many things right now, I feel like my brain is always on, and I just want a day where I don't have to clean up, I don't have to tend to the family reunion, I don't have to work. I just want to be! Pumpkin reminded me that we have a beach vacation coming up soon. I told him that just means that I have some driving to do soon. I'm tired. He again chimed in, hoping to make me feel better. I finally said to him "I know you mean well sweetie, and I appreciate it, but I really just need some rest right now." He walked away. 

I know that he feels guilty, as a large part of my tiredness stems from my putting his education first. But I appreciate his efforts to cheer me up. I was reminded again of what a kind young man I'm raising and I'm pleased.

The ultimate sign of the young man I'm raising happened to come from a family member on Saturday. I was hanging out with Ali's wife when our other cousin, who works at a school, called in. The cousin was on speaker phone and told us a story about a 14-year-old girl who engaged in oral sex with a boy her age at school and later on said that she felt raped by the incident afterwards. The cousin said that she wanted to let us mothers of teenage boys know what could happen if they aren't careful with the young ladies that are on the prowl.

On the way home, I told Pumpkin that we had something we needed to discuss. I shared with him the story that was shared with me and told him how the boy may now be looking at actual rape charges, even though their contact was consensual. As I struggled to explain to him a good analogy, I finally said to him "have you ever eaten something like a sandwich, and it was good at the time, but then later your stomach starts to hurt, and then you later on regret eating that sandwich?" I asked him. "I feel like that all the time," my young prince responded. "Well, sex can be kinda like that," I started.

I informed my son that being good-looking, tall, and likely to make a decent living at some point in the future means that the young ladies will be drawn to him. I explained to my son that explicit pictures of young ladies his age constitute child porn and that if anyone sends him a lewd pic, he is to delete it immediately, with instructions not to look at any dirty pics of young classmates that people may have on their own phones. 

And then I explained that at his age, people aren't always aware of what they want or if they'll change their minds. And how sometimes, people can later regret their decisions, leading to problems for the other party. I even explained to my son how that's how Kobe Bryant got caught up, and even once he was dead, people vilified him for a mutually consensual encounter, in which the woman changed her mind and later brought charges.

I went down a list of statements a woman could make that indicate that she may not want to have sex. I said "I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm thinking abut it, Maybe, I'm scared..." among the many things which don't quiet constitute a "YES" in a sexual encounter. I told Pumpkin that anything other than yes is no. And just to be sure that he heard me, I asked him to repeat back to me what I'd said. "Anything other than yes means no," he repeated back to me. It's interesting, because his voice has gotten deeper, but somehow I still heard it in his younger voice.

The last few days have really hit home for me the young man that I am raising. He's kind, considerate, thoughtful, and full of grace and gratitude. He thanks me for my sacrifices. He's able to look at morally bankrupt behavior of others and call it out (at least to me, he's still quite shy about approaching others). We laugh at shared inside jokes and discuss movies, tv, and music like we're chatting with old friends. I stopped in to get coffee recently, and he decided to get ice cream nearby as we chatted and hung out.  I am raising an absolute rock star, and I couldn't be more proud. He's learning.