DARVO

Brandon and I have bonded over our shredded shit shows that were once called relationships. It feels good to be able to lean on him as another person who was wounded by someone that they let in too deep. I've also leaned into Reddit as a way to learn far more about how patriarchy has been an absolute menace to society, making my decision to remain single that much more vital. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that all men are trash. I just think that patriarchy has taught far too many men and women that women are weak and stupid, and are for the sole purpose of being used, abused and discarded by men. In other words,  "I'm good luv. Enjoy!"

Anyway, I stumbled across a Reddit board the other day, where a woman talked about how her boyfriend of 8 months showed his entire ass when she refused to allow him access to her bank account. Many of the commenters referred to his behavior as "DARVO." I happened to have come across the term recently when I was listening to a podcast where a woman discussed how a man infiltrated a bunch of doula/lactation online groups, and caused a lot of confusion, including encouraging the mostly female respondents to do porn. The weasel went on to sue the women that began sharing information about him in order to warn others. To add insult to injury, the bastard lives in Hawaii so many low income women (and mothers at that) were having to spend money they did not have (and taking away from their children), just to fly to Hawaii to fight him for charges they did not deserve.

After hearing this term repeated twice in a really short time, I decided to do a quick Google search. My jaw practically hit the ground.

It was all too familiar with a few of my exes, and most recently Theo. There was a moment in time when he acted an entire ass and later on tried to make it seem that he was the actual victim. I didn't respond, because I knew that what he was claiming was an offense was just manufactured drama to take away any responsibility for his bad choices and refusal to change. He wasn't a victim and I wasn't going to allow him to pretend to be one.

Anyway, it also sounded similar to quite a few things Brandon had gone through with his addict ex-girlfriend and her unwillingness to admit fault in a few of their issues. Brandon was just as shocked as I was to know there was an actual name to this tactic. He then admitted that yes, his ex was quite proficient at playing the victim role whenever he pointed out some of her poor behavior.

During our conversation, I asked him how things are with his finances, especially since he pays his ex-wife (mother of his children) a pretty large sum of money for child support. Brandon admitted that his ex-wife told him that she's currently seeking a higher paying job, because she recognizes that anything could happen with him and she'd need to be able to care for the kids with no help from him.

I was floored. Poor financial management was a large part of what led to their divorce. "If only she'd had that mentality when y'all were married," I offered. "That's exactly what I said," he countered. Brandon had also told me that his ex-wife had been going to counseling and that she admits that she may have slipped into a depression, leading to a lot of her lax behavior toward their household and her overall responsibilities while they were together.

Then I asked Brandon, "you ever thought about getting back with her?" "Hell nah!" he quickly answered. "Well," I started. "It might be worth you giving it another shot." 

I talked to him about how much he's spending in child support to care for the children, well over what a judge would order. Things with his most recent ex-girlfriend (whom he'd left his wife for) are dead in the water. This woman is the mother of his children, and they had over 10 years together. Plus she's taking the time to work on herself, including therapy and taking a bigger role in being responsible for her finances. The fact is, all the issues he previously had with her, she's working hard to resolve them. And unlike the ex-girlfriend who thinks he'll stick around, the ex-wife really sees and values what he brought to the table and would like to remain with him, especially after seeing that he'll dip if she doesn't straighten up. I also offered that his eventually divorcing her for a woman who (at the time) did all the things he told her he needed, showed her that the man she thought would never leave, could and would in fact, leave. And not just leave, but set up home with another woman. His ex-wife saw the writing on the wall, and stepped up to get him back.

Brandon also admitted that his ex-wife has offered that he can come back home any time he's ready, and has routinely tried to sleep with him, although he has declined to not blur the lines of their relationship. I told Brandon that quite honestly, had my ex put forth half the effort his ex-wife did when we separated, I would have seriously considered getting back with him.

It made me think about something I read recently where Shaquille O'Neal discussed Nia Long's long-time partner being caught out there with a coworker. Shaq said that with everything he's accomplished and all the money he made, what he wishes he had most is the thing he screwed up the most. He said he hurt his wife and missed his family.  He remarked how he missed being able to come home to those 6 people that made him feel the most important. And that really stuck with me.

Sometimes I look at my life and I honestly think to myself that my ex and I would both be doing a lot better had he just opted not to be such a raging asshole. I mean, I'm certainly not eating beans out of a can, and nor am I carrying a Birkin bag on my shoulder. But I am a far cry from making $8/hr at Petsmart. My refrigerator is full, as is the tank in my 2022 Honda HRV. I travel pretty comfortably now, flying around several times a year, and I even just finally opened a Delta Sky Miles account. He and I would be making well over $100k as a unit, and probably about to buy a second or even third rental property. But he chose violence. So we will absolutely NEVER get back together. Lord knows that I tried to keep us together. But just like Shaunie, I reached the point of no return and I opted for my peace and sanity over a man who didn't value the ultimate gift I'd given him. And just like Shaq, he has to sit with knowing what he missed out on.

Meanwhile, Brandon admitted to being surprised to hear me say that he should return to his ex. He knows that historically, I wasn't all that fond of her (more so, after I witnessed a bitchy thing she said about him). But I give credit where credit is due. She lost out on a good man, and while in the process of working on herself, she's closer to getting back her husband and living the life that she wants for herself. And I'm not mad at that.