I have a homeboy who got divorced around a year ago. When I met him nearly a decade ago, he was head over heels and firmly dedicated to his wife. As time went on, she started slipping (in quite a few arenas, to be honest), and he too began slipping. And he slipped into the arms of his female best friend. In spite of his wife having a baby in an effort to save their fleeting marriage (never a good idea), he pulled the plug anyway.
My homie, who I'll call Brandon, was giddy like a school girl when he'd started to realize that his best friend might actually be "the one." She possessed everything he felt like his ex-wife was missing. She was supportive of him, financially and emotionally. Make no mistake, Brandon is no slacker. But like most of us, he occasionally needed $20 to eat between pay days. His wife, (in spite of working full-time) would always either claim not to have it, or talk shit about him needing it (although he was the breadwinner of the home, even during those times when she squandered the bill money or incurred late fees because she couldn't be bothered to pay bills on time). Meanwhile, the best friend gave up the money, no questions asked. And once Brandon's money started to straighten out, the best friend reaped the benefits of believing in and investing in him.
We were happy for Brandon, although guarded. Things seemed so rushed. He went literally from his marriage, straight into the arms of his best friend. I'm not a hater. I want to see my friends happy, and doing well. My issue/fear was that between both relationships, there'd been no time for him to decompress. I encouraged him just to take some time to fuck around and feel around for what he wants and needs in his next relationship. But the man was undeterred, and in love. He wanted his best friend.
Around the same time things started to fall apart between me and Theo, Brandon confided in me that things weren't going well with him and his best friend either. He'd talked about her ex being around, and he almost left because of her seeming refusal to let the dude go, even though he clearly had no intentions of wifing her the way Brandon did. Also, she spent a lot of time at casinos. Like a lot. Like a WHOLE LOT.
I listened patiently to Brandon. I know that he wanted things to work with her. But between my woman's intuition and professional experience, I knew that she had a whole lot of trauma to work through, before she'd be capable of giving him what he wanted and deserved.
As time went on, she continued to struggle. At least the guy from her past was no more, but Brandon started to see more cracks. I was cautiously guarded in telling him that I think he needed to toss her back. I assured him that I never thought that she was a bad person, but she just had tons of shit she needed to address. He waffled. He saw the red flags. But he was in love.
I tried to explain to Brandon that the average addict needs to address whatever leads to their addictive behaviors, otherwise they either relapse or find another, just as harmful, addiction. Again, he was in love. Honestly, I started to feel like he was hiding the worst of it from me, fearful that I'd again encourage him to rethink this relationship. But hey, he was in love.
A few weeks back, Brandon confessed to me that he'd ended it. He could no longer deal with it. He started to see that she wasn't quite as ready to face her demons as he'd hoped. They tried to continue to work on their friendship, and cohabitating was a big part of that, as they'd just signed a lease. And in all honesty, he never wanted to lose her as a friend. But he learned that not only was she lying to him about her time spent at the casino, she' also lied about her old guy friend. He was blocked. But now he's not.
I can't lie, her guy friend reminded me of my time with Fred. How up until fairly recently, I was willing to possibly sacrifice any chance at a real relationship, to keep Fred in my life. Like all of the other things I've had to stare down, I had to look at Fred and determine if he was worth sacrificing a healthy relationship with a good man. The answer is of course, NO.
But Brandon's best friend isn't quite at that point. I can't help but to almost sympathize with her plight. Granted, my addiction was never drugs or casinos, but I definitely got a dopamine fix from my time with Fred. Working in addiction allowed me to see how attached I was and how non-beneficial that attachment really was. It also allowed me to identify other addictions I wasn't even aware that I'd had.
If it wasn't for the fact that this is really hurting my friend, I'd almost sympathize. She doesn't even recognize what she's giving up, all while chasing her high. It almost reminds me of something that happened at one of my jobs. A woman was so dedicated to her sobriety. She had my last name, and although I could never say it to her, I considered her my cousin, so I cheered her on that much harder. She'd been in rehab several times before, but this time, we just knew that she was gonna make it to the end and get her kids back. But then one day, she decided she was done. She wanted out. Some old ass dude pulled up in a shitty car to pick her up from rehab, despite her being only halfway done with the program. We all begged and pleaded with her. "Think about your kids!" we'd plead to her. "You've made so much progress," we said. She was undeterred. My "cousin" left.
To make it that much more painful, the next day, her kids came through to visit their mom. But she was gone. No one had told them. It broke my heart to imagine those poor kids showing up, hopeful that this would be the time that mom would get her stuff together and get the kids out of foster care, and they could all be together again. But mama picked her addiction, over doing what was best for everyone else. Just like Brandon
's now ex-girlfriend.
Working in addiction taught me so much. Namely that most people don't know that they are addicted. That most people have to hit absolute rock bottom before they'll admit that they have a problem, and even then, some still won't. That some people will justify and even choose the most fucked up situations, all because their addiction is familiar.
Kinda sad, ya know?
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