I met with a good friend yesterday. Our sons are about the same age, and the woman (who is married) and I share a long, beautiful friendship. I essentially consider her and hers my family. There was, however, at one point another woman in the fold. I'll call her Sheryl. I've spent many a day with Sheryl, and her child, who she'd bring over, to play with me and my friend's boys. We'd all gather at my friend's home on holidays and birthdays. Sheryl brought her (then) boyfriend around and he and the guys would all hang downstairs and watch tv, as the ladies cackled upstairs and got wine drunk. It was a pretty nice vibe.
But one day, I noticed that Sheryl was no longer around. It wasn't like her to miss holidays and birthdays with all of us. I inquired about her absence, but no one seemed to have answers, so I let it go. One day, I inboxed Sheryl on social media and asked why she hadn't been around. She said that she felt abandoned by my friend for her lack of presence in her life during a some family turmoil. I encouraged her to keep trying, but she said that she was simply over it. Again, I let it go.
Last night, I met with the family and allowed my son to play with my friend's son and started saying my goodbyes. I begged my friend for a final night of girl talk and wine, just the two of us, as I've had some things to ponder for a while now. While her husband was away, and the boys were off doing whatever teenage boys do, I encouraged my friend to patch things up with Sheryl in my absence. My friend asked what Sheryl had told me. I try not to go relaying messages, but I informed her that Sheryl said that she'd felt abandoned by the family after the death of a loved one.
My friend made a face that let me know she wasn't buying it. That's when she laid it on me. My friend suspected Sheryl of either already sleeping with her husband, or plotting to do so. She talked about how one day the family ate with Sheryl and how every time my friend's husband needed something, Sheryl would jump up and grab it, before my friend even could. My friend felt flirty vibes coming off of Sheryl in how she talked to him and joked about hating him. My friend said that she is aware of what flirting looks like from Sheryl and that her women's intuition let her know that something in the milk wasn't clean.
Eventually, my friend asked her husband point blank "what's up with you and Sheryl?" The husband (obviously) denied anything but immediately after, Sheryl simply stopped coming around. That was it. My friend said that she'd tried to reach out several times, but Sheryl went radio silent. She said that later on, Sheryl messaged her about problems within her own family, but my friend wasn't buying it. The timing of her disappearance was just too obvious.
Yikes. Yikes and wow. I won't lie, I've had my own (stupid) indiscretions with 2 married men. The most recent was a good friend of mine. I'd always been attracted to him, but because he was married, I tried like hell to say no. I went for it anyway. Not something I'm proud of. But that was several years ago. Ever since then, I don't do it. I won't do it. I've had countless opportunities, but I resist them all. It's just too much energy and work. And the fact is that I love deep and I love hard. Giving my time, my heart, and my emotions to a man who isn't available like that just isn't a good idea for me.
But in all my ratchet moments, there is one thing that I absolutely cannot and will not do. And that is, fucking a woman's man while pretending to be her friend. That's just not okay to me. As someone who has experienced so much from so many people, I've witnessed how much people will do as long as others aren't aware. Again, I've seen so many married men, whose wives would never suspect, that they are married to complete man whores. I've seen people hide drug habits, money problems, emotional issues, all kinds of stuff. Even more so since I started working in mental health. You'd be amazed at the secrets that people hide from their loved ones. So I've come to feel that we cannot control what others do when we are not around. Some of the happiest and strongest marriages that I know of contain regular amounts of adultery. I'd never say who (obviously), but it exists more than many of us care to realize or accept. And perhaps that's why I'd become more accepting and non-judgmental about dalliances of others. In the words of Uncle Kracker,
"As long as no one knows, then nobody can care."
Do what you do homie, but keep it clean. But being in a woman's home and face while screwing her man is just wrong. I could never hold a woman while she's crying, laugh with her during her good moments, cheer her on, watch her kids, break bread with her, all the while, plotting on her husband. That's just not okay. And perhaps a woman with my history isn't one to judge, afterall, I've been honest about my past.
Still though, I make it a point to maintain a respectful distance from my friends' husbands, because I just don't want or need static. A childhood friend of mine got married some years ago, and while she's not on Facebook, her husband is. He and I laugh and banter a lot on the open streets of Facebook, but no inboxing. The only phone calls have regarded actual business. I was once considering buying a house and I called her before I called her husband, to let her know that I wanted some real estate advice. She responded "Malika, you don't have to tell me or get my permission that you're about to talk to him." But I know. I know all too well. I know what an easily slippery slope that can become. So while I respect her complete trust in both me and her husband, I'm still painfully aware of not putting myself in a position to be tempted or have my motives questioned.
I hold my friendships in high regard. If you're my friend, you're not just my friend, you're my family. I've let countless people sleep on my couch, given money, rides, an ear, support. My homegirls are my absolute lifeline. Do what you do sis, but don't be messy with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in these streets telling women to go fuck married men. If nothing else, I warn against it. I know all too well about the stigma and the drama that comes with it. I pride myself on a peaceful life, and the last thing I ever want or need is a woman popping up at my house, coming to me "woman to woman", calling or texting my phone. My life is too blissful for all of that. So I decline to engage. But I'm also a realist.
I could write a million blogs, I could have countless conversations, I could tell my story a thousand times over, and the fact is that humans are going to do what they do. Adultery did not start with my birth and it will not end with my death. Humans are sexual creatures who are want to do what makes them feel good both emotionally and sexually. Some humans are just cleaner, smarter, and more honorable than others.
Do what you do sis. I can't stop you or judge you. But keep it clean.
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