Fireflies

Last weekend was one for the history books. One of my best friends since middle school is getting married and we celebrated the bachelorette like only we could. Pole dancing classes, out to eat, and other stuff that I'm not allowed to disclose. But it was #Epic

While out, I happened to be seated at a table with 5 other women, all of them married. And then there was me. I've somehow become the Samantha of the group. The one with the wild sex life and stories. The one with the dirty jokes. The one who bats her eyes and enjoys romps in the hay with men whom a lot of women would feel are unattainable. And I enjoy it. A lot, actually.

But I'd be lying if I said that there aren't times that I want more of an attachment. Enter Ted. Again. Ted and I are doing pretty well. I freaking love that man with all of my heart. So many men love me and want me, but they don't know what it takes to make me and keep me happy.

I was thinking earlier today about how when I was a kid (before this pollution and shit), we'd collect fireflies. We'd often keep them in jars. If we didn't poke holes in the jar, they'd be dead by morning. If we did poke a few holes, the fireflies might live a bit longer, but ultimately, they still died. Those fireflies needed to be free. They needed to be admired for what they were, with the faith that they'd return. And they always did. They didn't need or want to be in jars. That is me.

Men love me, they want to control me, they want to harness me, they want me for themselves. But you can't do that to Malika if you want her to be happy. You have to be okay with sharing her with the world and know that at the end of the day, she'll return. And that's one of the reasons I love Ted as much as I do. He doesn't trip about me seeing, crushing on, or wanting other men. He works in my field and gives outstanding career advice. He supports me when I'm being a spaz, and knows how to tell me to reign it in (when I need it). I can call him day or night if I'm in a crunch. If he sees something out of sorts on Facebook, he immediately calls me to check in and make sure I'm okay. When I had my car accident and was stuttering profusely, he assured me that I'd be okay. He knows what a mess I am, and he's still here, my rock.

I saw him recently, and said to him "I love you." He fucking winced. Really?! Dude, we're over 4 years in. You love me. I know you do. And truthfully, I wouldn't change shit about us. I love who, what, and how we are and I told him that. His response was, "well, if this is perfect, why change it?" And honestly, he had a stellar point. The issue is that, yes, this is fucking perfect now. Nothing that I'd change about him or us. My issue again lands in "what about the future?" He recently said that he considers us "friends." Negro, really? *sigh*

He'd said previously that he sees a strong possibility of us spending our latter years together, by latter years, I mean as empty nesters, which we are both a few years away from. And he recently followed up with us being "friends." That's the shit I'm talking about. Where are we really heading? My fear is that I don't want to move forward, thinking we're going into the future together, and then he suddenly look at me like "what are YOU doing?" I don't want a fucking promise ring. I don't even know if I want a wedding ring. But after David and Fred, I don't want to look back at another decade that went by to only wonder what happened. My friend who happens to be getting married next week has been on and off with her (soon to be) husband for the last 20 years. Part of me is telling myself to stop being a fucking spaz and this shit play out how it wants. And maybe I should. Or not?

I don't need much. But I need to know that he sees me by his side. And him by my side. We're supposed to talk soon. All I know is that I don't want him to be with me because of an ultimatum. I want him to be with me because he loves me and sees my value in his life. I'm willing to move forward if needed. But I really don't want to. He feels like the one for me. But I guess, like all things, only time will tell.