Decompression

Last week was one for the history books. I changed offices and was transferred to a new site, meaning new clients and new coworkers that I'd be working closely with, followed by a high school classmate's funeral. I learned that a cousin I'd met only a few years ago died, and thoughts of Pete started circling when Ted and I got into it. Then I had to help with a friend's fundraiser, an event I'd been helping to plan for the last 2 months, followed by my childhood friend's wedding. In the midst of all of that Ted and I ended things. Like ended them, ended them. Like it's over. No more sex for us.  I'm actually okay with us being over though. I only wanted things to continue if it would go a way that made me happy. It didn't. So I'm okay with it being over. It was all just a lot to process in just one week. By Saturday morning, I was exhausted.

With a week like that, I already knew that I'd need to recuperate heavily. I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to focus. I wanted to process everything I'd been through.What did it all mean? After 2017 was one proverbial pimp slap after another, 2018 offered much-needed relief and growth. Shit, 2019 has been pretty kick ass too. So I guess I'm maturing a bit, but I felt that considering that the last two years have been pretty spectacular, a week of heavy lifting and shifting was the least I could stand.
Saturday and Sunday, I simply stayed home and cleaned my apartment. And thanks to the wonderful ADHD medication I'm taking, I was able to get it done with no problems. I didn't just clean one or two rooms either, I cleaned the whole damned 2 bedroom apartment, bathroom, and kitchen included, and even cleaned out my car! I know that for most people, such simple tasks are hardly deserving of a hand clap, but after living with a genuine inability to focus for so long, I had made peace with the fact that I'd have to hire people to clean my apartment for me. Being able to do it on my own (and do it well) is kind of a big deal.

So here I am, into Thursday of the following week, and I'm still laying low. I dunno, I guess I'm just tired. I give so much of myself to so many people, that I'm ready to reign it all in. One of the things that kinda sucks about being social is that I get invited to many places, and people get genuinely offended when I can't make it. The name Malika happens to mean queen, and I take that title and role seriously. Sometimes as a royal leader, you have to show up and support, because when you wear the crown, your support means the world to people. I still act up on Facebook on the rare occasion, but while I was posting 4 or 5 times a day before, I'm scaling back. I even had a hard look at my time with new semi-bae, Justin, and decided that it ain't worth it and I'm scaling back on him too. I feel like he just wasn't available to give me what I need and I don't feeling like settling anymore.
I told myself that after last week, I'd take a few weeks to rest and decompress, but I'm considering taking the rest of the year to do so. Sure, I may still hit the occasional party or night club, but I intend to pull myself back in. My plan is to only give my time to the people that really need it (on occasion), my closest loved ones, or men that really give me the kind of attention that I seek. I'm fucking done with place holders and men that only fetishize me because I'm funny and have a ton of sexual energy. If a guy isn't into my mind and my spirit, then I really don't have a damned thing for him.
So there I am, setting and shifting into a new space. Figuring out my goals and future plans, establishing and setting goals, and turning down to enjoy myself. Perhaps it's the changing of the seasons, with this cooler weather, or just getting older (OMG, I'll be 40 in less than a year!), and starting to focus more on my money and sustaining myself and my son long term. Time to go internal, reflect, decompress, and refocus. I'm okay with that.