So I've been pretty honest with my struggles of my appearance, my weight, finally being accepted as "cute" all of that. But I'm not sure if I've really delved into the downside of attractive appearance. Some people would certainly be in their right to say "but you aren't that cute" and it would be hard for me to disagree with them. Whenever my female friends comment about the quality and frequency of men that are attracted to me, I assure them that my outgoing personality and sexual energy play a lot into it. But there is definitely a downside too.
For instance, I work with individuals who have mental illness, teaching life skills. Last week, I found myself in an awkward situation when one of my clients (who has a history of getting inappropriate with Staff) tried me. I kept my cool and alerted my supervisor about it immediately. I'm thankful that my supervisor offered me support in moving forward, but that wasn't exactly a situation that I'd enjoyed. Another client has a tendency to hover around me and I often have to redirect his eyes and his attention. I even had to button my shirt to the top button (it was a traditional button down, but the top two were undone) when I saw him trying to peek down my blouse when standing over me at my desk.
I let everyone know up front, I may suck at maintaining some boundaries, but the last damned thing I need is going to jail for getting inappropriate with clients. I have zero need and desire for it. As a matter of fact, just the other day I told my boss how I purposely avoid many of the clients in the drug and alcohol clinic side of my building, all because I'm aware of my sexual energy and poor boundaries and I don't want anyone to start anything or claim any funny business. Being attractive in my field can cost you your job and your peace of mind if you aren't careful.
I recall how a few years back, I'd lost 30 pounds. Lord, you couldn't tell me nothin! But the fact is that at the time, all I saw was my stomach that refused to shrink, despite the rest of me being obviously smaller. Men liked me more, granted, but none of them were serious with me, I just had more men wanted to fuck me. No wedding proposals, no actual dates, they just all wanted one thing. I thought that losing 30 pounds would change my life. The unfortunate truth is that I had all of the same problems, I was just skinnier. What a blow.
Another thing that sucks about being attractive is how much men will lie, cheat, and steal (even once I gained my weight back) just to get some ass. Its frustrating to think that I have a real thing with a guy, only to quickly realize that the only thing he wants is to bed me for a night. I also hate that people take one look at me and assume they know all about me or assume that I have nothing intelligent to bring to the table. Granted, I certainly have moments of being a ditz, but I'm far from stupid.
I've gotten to the point where I make sure that the people closest to me have good self esteem, because if they don't they'll eventually start to do some underhanded shit just to do me in. And I'll be honest, it hurts like hell when someone you thought was cheering you on was secretly not only hoping you'd fall, but you eventually find out they're the one that pushed you.
This goes for men too. Yes, I'm a flirt. But the fact is that when I'm serious about a man, I put him first. Now that I'm getting older and a bit more settled, I'd like a man who accepts that Malika is a social butterfly. Men always seem to love that about me in the beginning, but then they grow to resent me for knowing a lot of people and attracting male energy.
Don't get me wrong here, I'm not complaining. Being attractive has its perks, I get invited to parties, men like me back, I do great in job interviews, and people are naturally more comfortable with me. But much like a person with a lot of money, it also means that I have to watch my back a lot more than some other people. And I have enough shit to worry about as it is.
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