Hello world! Hard to believe its been nearly a month since I last blogged. I wish I could say that I've completely gotten Fred out of my system, but I'd be lying. I unfriended him on all of my social media platforms. I had to. It was difficult as hell to look on Facebook and Instagram and see his face. I'd completely forgotten about some years ago, but he'd pulled this shit previously. I couldn't recall when or why, but I'd vaguely remembered a time when he called me and I was hella pissed. I could almost hear the lump in his through when he said "this is Fred."
But then it hit me. A few years back, he'd done the same thing. He disappeared. I couldn't figure it out. Just *poof* and he was gone. No responses, no nothing. I'd called our mutual friends to see if I'd done something, was he okay. No one knew anything, except that he seemed okay when they talked to him. And then as I finally started to move on with my life, he called me out of nowhere. I could tell that he knew he'd fucked up being gone so long. I heard it in his voice. He normally speaks with confidence, but at that moment, he was sheepish. Almost hat-in-hand.
And 3 years later, here we are again. I'd said earlier that our last blow up was nasty. But somehow in my spirit, I know he'll pop back up when he's ready. The only difference is that Malika from 3 years ago hadn't yet gone through the intense grieving/reflection period that Malika Today has. So Malika Today is a lot more focused on the future. Malika Today travels, and works, and studies for her licensure exams, and brunches and shit. I have examined this shit in and out and I know that I can do (and have done) way better than Fred. But here I am, temporarily allowing myself to remain stuck in this mental place. But I'll give myself credit today, because I'm recognizing that this is a temporary mental place that I am in and I will not remain here forever. I've learned that is the key. To take ownership of your feelings, and allow yourself to feel how you feel, but allow yourself to move forward as well. No staying stuck. So here I am, moving through this space.
Coincidentally, while I was visiting Los Angeles, my first day there, before Fred arrived to my hotel, I'd began began watching the show Mad Men on Netflix. I completely get why it was such a successful show. In the middle and toward the end of it there were moments of calm, set in California, depicted in the show, that could never happen in the ever-moving office environment of Sterling Cooper. And once I got home while still watching the show, I got it so much. California was beaches, warmth, relaxation. And if the planets aligned properly, I'd like to be there as well. I don't believe I talked about it on here, but while in Cali and visiting Yosemite National Park, I got really lost late at night and easily could have driven off a cliff, not because I wanted to, but because of those curvy roads and lack of street lights. It was a pretty frightening night for me, but despite it all, I'd like to return to Yosemite next year to go camping. This time I'd actually be prepared for it.
So yes, I'm planning to return to L.A. Fred doesn't know this, and I know its for the best. I have definitely done better. And I will continue to do so.
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