Participation Trophy

I'm enjoying my time with Davis, but I recently had a come to Jesus regarding him. Although we aren't on a physical level anymore, I occurred to me that I was still holding a bit of a flame for him. Ever since he's been staying with me, I prepare dinner nightly and light up like a kid in a candy store the second he walks in the house. But then it hit me- BAM!! This ain't your dude, stop doing that shit.

I told him that I planned to scale back from him, and I don't think he realized how serious I was and am. My good friend Christine has witnessed firsthand the shit storm that was Davis' and my relationship early on. She said she wanted to meet him this time around, which he agreed to in advance. She and I met up for coffee in the area where he normally sells art and chatted long and hard. I told her about my recent revelation regarding Black men and their lack of sexual autonomy in this society, in addition to how things are going so far with Luke. I'd hit Davis when I was on the way to the coffee shop, and texted him when I got there, encouraging him to stop in. No response. Christine and I chatted for a good hour, and as things wound down, we decided to walk over to Davis, so they could exchange a quick hello before we went home.

As we walked down the street, I was surprised to see Davis walking toward me, right next to his ex-girlfriend. Ouch. Ouch and wow. He did a head nod, bare acknowledgement. I'm not tripping, I know what it is, he'd told me that he still had a thing with her, but they've been on this weird see-saw of potentially getting back together. Davis, do your thing, homie. But I'm not doing this anymore. He came in late that night (which was fine with me), and he texted me the next day, giving him some half-hearted attempt to explain that he was "busy that afternoon" which is why he couldn't stop and chat with Christine and I. Sure bruh, I bet you were.

The blessing for me was that I'd already relinquished him. I'd had my mind made up that I was no longer going to chase after him like a lost puppy dog, before our encounter that day.

Last night I decided to run on out to the grocery store and asked Davis if he cared to join me. He said yes. He asked if I was feeling okay, as my demeanor toward him had changed. I admitted to him that I still had love for him, but I'd had a talk with myself that it was time for me to scale back. He nodded in acceptance.

While contemplating last night, it occurred to me just how much Davis has continued to tug on my heartstrings over the years. I remember meditating and praying for him to leave my life so I could get back some sense of peace, because he always seemed to return, only to leave back out. How he'd previously occasionally text me out of the blue, I'd get excited, try to hang out, and then he'd disappear again. He wouldn't even show up or ask to hang, or even for sex, he'd just text me "hey, how are you?" and I'd get excited and respond "Fantastic, how's life?" and he'd go silent. He didn't want anything, certainly didn't want me, he just wanted to know that he still had me. That I was still there for him. That he could still pop up and I'd have space for him. And over the years, I stayed open and ready. If he needed a bed, an ear, a ride, or a warm body, I was there. I rewarded him with the affection and attention that he sought, when the fact is that he did the bare minimum, just by showing up. He was getting a fucking participation trophy for just being being there.

I was bugging. I gotta own that. He asked if I wanted him to leave. Fact is, no he doesn't have to go.
1) I still need the money.
2) I don't hate him.
3) I'm not even mad at him.
4) Perhaps we can rebuild our friendship, but it will no longer revolve around me being easily available whenever he needs a sentimental boost.

I'm genuinely not angry with him. I see who and where he is now and I know he's no longer the deeply disturbed guy who managed to hook me during a particularly low point of my life. But even with that said, I can no longer allow him access to intensely enter and leave my life at his whim.
I realized the role I was playing in my own emotional demise. I'm no longer going to make myself readily available to him, or any other man, just because he flashes a smile. It takes more than popping up to win my affection now. I'm glad I have gotten to this point. Moving forward, only the men with the real effort get access to the gold medal level of my heart.

Honesty and Connections

Despite my intention for this blog to not focus primarily on my love life, it tends to be that way. Perhaps its that I don't have much else to write about. The fact is that writing also allows me to work through and process many of my own thoughts. I'm starting to feel more and more like Carrie Bradshaw, plugging away on her laptop, sorting her life out as she dates and fucks her way through NYC. I must admit, if I didn't have a child to care for, my love life would be a hell of a lot more chaotic.

I'm going to go full disclosure here and admit that Mercury Retrograde is kicking my ass right now. I read something on Facebook early on that with MR heading this way, electronics would mess up and whatnot. Shortly thereafter, that text issue with Ted happened (and I'm still 50/50 on the legitimacy of his claim), my own cell phone has been on the fritz, and my work computer has been on something else. On top of that, the clients at work have been a bit froggier than normal. I don't normally get into all of this kind of jazz regarding MR, but I can't help but to wonder if there's some kind of legitimacy to it, at least this time around.

I've been feeling pretty amorous lately. And while there are always a few gentlemen I can call to get my back scratched on a regular basis, this time, a regular visit just isn't enough. I recall that a few years ago, I'd had a similar issue, and it was actually a similar time of year, and that's when Fred managed to drop on in (here). Welp, perhaps its the spring flowers in the air, but I'm getting that same itch. Once again, I need more. More hugs, more love, more affection, more clinging to emotions, not just getting my rocks off.

I happened to be on Facebook again (yeah, I do that a lot these days), when I clicked on a link to a pretty video, when this song came on. This song felt like a hug. It felt intimate and familiar, although it was new to me. I immediately clicked on the comments to see if anyone knew the song and the comments section did not disappoint. I'd learned that the song is a guy called Pink Sweat$ and the song is called "Honesty" and it is my new favorite song. Never in a million years thought I'd be rocking to a dude named Pink Sweat$ so hard, but there it is and here I am. And I am here for it!!

The problem with this song is that it just makes me want to cuddle and be adored that much more. The fact that its on repeat in my car certainly doesn't help.

Feeling that itch, I reached out to Ted yesterday. And to his credit, he was good. Really good. Damned good. But I felt empty. I didn't leave feeling refreshed and energized. I left feeling as empty as when I got there. I truly wrestle with if I should just leave him alone entirely.

So I like Luke. Yes, I know, *eye roll* But things are really early. Sure, we text and talk all day long, but the fact is that he's only 8 months out from leaving a 23-year long marriage. I dig him, but I'm not a dummy. I hope for the best, but I'm not going to get too emotionally wrapped up. I just can't. Not yet. Leaving me to fall back on my old emotional standby, Fred. Although despite it all, I'm not sure how long this will be a thing. Only time will tell.

I just want to be held and kissed. Funny enough, Davis is staying with me, but we just aren't on that level. So there's that. I'm here, in an odd space. Perhaps its the changing of the seasons, Mercury  Retrograde, or something else.. But much like everything else, I'm just going to roll with it and trust the Universe to make things happen in their own time. What are the other options?

Looking Back While Looking Forward

I found myself bored Friday night. I was sans kid and felt like having company. I reached out to Davis. He immediately responded that he needed a place to crash for the night. I told him to come on over. He and I chatted a lot that night. I could really feel that he grew a lot since the tumultuous relationship we shared roughly 6 years ago. So did I.
He explained how staying in the hotel was draining his pockets, and I explained the financial bind that I'm in, and we agreed that night that if my son was okay with it, he'd rent out the room for the month that is supposed to be The Kid's, although he rarely sleeps in it. So he'd save some coins and I could pay some bills. The kid agreed with it.

Its been kind of nice having him around. We're not up under one another, as I work days and he's normally not home until I'm about to head to sleep. I wish I'd known this side of him some years ago. Last night, he came home pretty late, and I happened to be awake. He told me that he'd just, that night, officially ended it with a young lady he'd been back and forth with for a while. He lamented about having 2 major breakups in 6 months. I knew to listen carefully, without judgement. I was proud of him for making so much headway, as he talked about the importance of monogamy to him. But truthfully, it kind of stung as well. I mean, sure, we've grown, and we're no longer together. But the fact is that I met him while he was living with another woman, who went on to make my life hell for a while. So to hear him talking about bonding and growing with one woman, while a woman who is heir to a hair care line would call me 40 times in a row, is a bit much.
I tried to bite my tongue, but at some point I did mention to him how its crazy to hear him talking about being with only one woman and his lack of desire to have casual sex, while he lived with another woman when we met. He immediately apologized, and admitted to going through a bad spell when at the time. I honestly felt that he should have, at some point, considered me a serious contender. But he didn't. And that hurt. But then he went on to say "yeah, my woman going out and having drinks and hanging out with another man isn't acceptable. I don't want her bringing another man's energy home to me." And I felt that and I respected it, but at the same time, I knew then that I didn't want to be a contender. Because I'm Malika, and I don't belong to anyone, and I won't. I have no problem with monogamy in the end, but I'm not going to cease having close, platonic, non-sexual relationships with some men, just to keep him happy. I guess I know why I'm not a contender now.

Yesterday, I got on the phone with Fred. He shared with me that he's having a difficult time, pining over a woman that captured his fancy. I was quite surprised, as Fred has been in L.A. for roughly 6 years now, and this is the first lady outside of the one here I've known him to show interest in. Truthfully, inside I was dying, hearing him talk about this woman and how he saw things going somewhere. These aren't words I hear from him often. Truth be told, he and I have know one another for 12 years and despite the fact that we've seen one another in 4 different major U.S. cities and bared our souls in countless ways and made love countless times, I don't think he's ever connected to me like that. Honestly, it hurt a little too (folks just ripping off band-aids left and right yesterday). But I know that Fred and I aren't meant to be like that. Still though... but then he started to share that he met her at church and his ideal was to have a woman he shared a church connection with. I was a bit less pissed then. Cuz I'm not going to your church, just to be deemed worthy.

Later in the day, an old friend called me, whom I haven't talked to, and I mean really talked to in a while. This particular friend is one who tends to get caught up when dating a new person, so I scaled back. My friend, Lacy, confessed to me that she'd finally broken things off with her 2-year boo, Chris. Lacy talked about how Chris was just emotionally unavailable and she was sick of trying. It took me back to Freeman, whom I saw something with, but after the passing of Pete and other stuff I was wrestling with at the time, I just didn't have it in me to fight anymore. With Freeman, I learned to cut your losses. Or as my best friend, Daisy, would say "stop taking home broken birds."
Lacy discussed how she saw a lot in Chris, and perhaps things would be better in the future, but for now, it was a wrap. I began to think a lot about my own experiences. I began to realize the reality of people that I date. For so long, I'd focused more on myself than the men I was into. I didn't recognize their limitations. But now, I'm semi-seeing someone (yes, I know a common theme for me).
I'll call him Luke. Things are really early, so I'm not quite going to call it a thing, but I like him. But the fact is that Luke is separated and going through a divorce. And not like "separated, but still fucking and living together for the kids," but really ending it. After 23 years of marriage, he's been separated for 8 months. I think that my profession as a counselor helps him, as I've learned to be patient, listen, and ask the right questions, as he sorts through his feelings. But I also know not to make myself his therapist. I also love that he doesn't try to always dump his baggage on me. I've told him a few times that my fear is that we'll spend a few months together, only for him to one day say to me "this has gone too fast, I need to scale back."

Old Malika wouldn't have known to maintain a safe distance. Old Malika would have tried to go full throttle, based on our mutual likes of travel, food, and overall connection. But new Malika knows better. I'm going to allow him all the time he needs to process. No, that doesn't mean I'm not going anywhere. I may date or sleep with other people while he figures out what he wants and if he chooses to do the same thing, I'm okay with that. But it does mean that I recognize that its unfair to put my baggage on him, without allowing him to heal on his own and walk his own path. I'm finally in a space to take all I've learned an apply it to live my life to the fullest. Thank God this shit is starting to make sense and work out.

Commemoration

So I'm at 2 years since he passed. The grief and memories is coming in waves. Not as bad as it was last year. I was kind of triggered recently though. Because Dylan McKay died. Well, I'm sure the character is alive in our minds and hearts, but the actor Luke Perry died. It hurt, because like many women my age in this country, he was a big part of my development. I remember watching 90210 as a middle schooler and high schooler. I remember the Brenda-Dylan-Kelly love triangle. I remember it all. Now he's gone.

As I looked up and saw the news plastered all over the internet, my mind briefly traveled to "Pete was the ultimate bad boy. He was the real-life Dylan McKay." It made me sad, and a bit triggered, but I held it together. Then, Puffy made headlines when he acknowledged in a comment that he should have married the love of his life, Kim Porter.

A Facebook friend of mine showed no mercy in going in, saying how she showed him no sympathy. I chimed in about how not just difficult it is, but absolutely earth shattering to lose a person you love, and that it also grows you in immense ways. I even pointed out how much growth Puffy obviously made in his admission of having wished he'd married her. Growth, right? My comment was ignored and buried under the posts of women that appeared to enjoy watching him suffer.
I almost took off the anniversary of Pete's death this week, but I decided against it. Because 1, I decided to take a much-needed day off last week and 2, I think I'd like to stay busy. I don't want to wallow, I want to live. Obviously, he'd want that for me anyway.
A friend of mine a while back discussed how a popular Atlanta artist died over a decade ago, and how since then, his widow, every year, faithfully pulled together large-scale celebrations of life to her departed husband. But the widow decided that she was tired. Rightfully so. She loved her husband, clearly, but organizing, scraping money, advertising, selling tickets, putting together bands, the whole bit, had become too much after over a decade. She finally decided to call it quits. Not that she'll ever stop honoring the love and life of her husband, but because she doesn't need bells and whistles any further.
I feel that in my spirit. I don't need to take a day off. No need to make plans, no need for words of encouragement, affirmation, love, etc. I wrote a quick impromptu poem on Facebook and that was it. Because he knew how I felt about him. And I know how he felt about me. Three days ago was the the 2 year anniversary of the last time I saw him in the flesh. But the good news is that it won't be my last time seeing him in spirit. And now I'm okay with that.

Text Tied and Undone

I wrote yesterday about the accidental text message I'd gotten from Ted. Wow. Like seriously, wow. I contacted my friend Eric to ask his opinion. I sought out Eric due to how much he reminds me of Ted. Like Ted, Eric's marriage ended due to his own infidelity and he is now on a quest to find himself while openly enjoying the company of others. Eric and I have never been intimate, but I greatly enjoy his friendship and hearing about his exploits.
I explained to him the text that was sent and how despite not being in a serious relationship with Ted, my heart was a bit broken. I also shared that due to having an extensive history of men shutting me down or ignoring my concerns in the past, I don't always express my frustration. Eric assured me that despite it all, he feels that if he were in Ted's situation, he would certainly feel bad and want a chance to express his apology.
So I did it. I reached out to him. My text said "that cut me deep." He apologized and swore to me that nothing happened. I told him that I didn't care if it did, I just didn't want to read about it. He apologized again and swore that nothing happened. He said that some kind of predictive text, or whatever the hell happened, happened. And I believe him. So yeah, things may be winding down on that end, but I'm glad he's in my life.