More

So I can't help but to notice that I'm blogging more lately. We're only 11 days into the year and I'm already on my 6th blog. To be fair, I don't anticipate continuing to drop a blog a day, but my inability to focus, coupled with an available computer, and racing thoughts continue to lead me back here. I can't help but to reflect on the fact that a few years back, after some shit with my son's father (although, to be fair, the whole relationship was shit), I'd almost stopped blogging. There were certainly times that I stepped away. After grad school I had to practically dust the cobwebs off of this thing.

I think what has led to my increase in blogging is pretty simple though- I'm happy. I mean seriously, probably for the first fucking time in my adult life, I'm actually freaking happy. No man stressing me out, no family fights, my bills are (relatively) paid. I guess I'm writing so much just to soak all of this up. After years of depression, struggle, anxiety, poverty, low self-esteem, and heartbreak, I'm finally at this point and I'm just fully wrapping my mind around it all. As I write this, even my jeans are getting a bit too big. The same damned scale at work that continued to taunt me with 200 lbs for months finally gave in and budged me to 197. And holy shit, yesterday, it even said 195!!

I continue to look forward to my vacation summer where I will spend time with Fred, followed by a visit from my international friend. Early in the year, I reached out to a friend of mine to share my apprehension regarding going into 2019. I told him how amazing 2018 was, followed by how tragic 2017 was. My fear was that after 2018 was the best, it would soon be followed by more tragedy. I mean, after finally being given a life to be happy about, the last thing I want is to experience again what 2017 did. Guy I like died, broken foot, fired for something I didn't do, forced to work at Petsmart under a raging cunt just to keep my bills paid, and later landing a job in my field that continued to pay me late on top of underpaying me? The only thing that kept me on this planet was knowing that if I took myself out, my son would spend the rest of his life a basket case. I just can't do that to him. Enter 2018 and now 2019.

So I guess I'll have to accept that all of life is not shit and that I can finally be happy. I mean, I made it, I'm here. Yay.