The Other Side of the Flood

Been such a long few days. I was actually particularly proud of my last blog post because it does the best job of capturing exactly how I feel about my life since Pete's death. I feel like I'm just treading water. But I guess tread it I will.

Speaking of water, I finally had a dream about him and this one involved water as well. It was similar to the first flood dream I had. I dreamt of a large amount of water behind a door. Enough to take out the whole room inside. But then, when the door opened, it was a pretty small amount that went into the room. Pete was kinda like "I told ya so" toward me, as I expected all of the water to come rushing into the room. Oddly enough, after the dream, I woke up feeling okay. More okay than I'd been in forever. For the first time in forever, I felt normal. I didn't wake up longing for my friend, seeing him briefly in my dream was all I needed. Its crazy because I expected my first dream of him to be loving and thoughtful as we exchanged "I love you's," held hands, and promised to see one another on the other side. Nope. In this dream, it was like he still worked with me and he never died. It was brief, but nice. I enjoyed that quick moment of feeling like I did before.

Moving on, Tory was on my mind heavily the other day. I actually kind of miss our friendship. In my spirit, I felt like he missed me, but I'm still pissy about how things ended, so fuck it. Sure enough, on the evening of Mother's Day, he shot me a "Happy Mother's Day" text and I didn't respond. Damn that. You wanna not be friends, so be it. But dude made this decision to cease a friendship with me (not once, but TWICE) so as far as I'm concerned, that's it.

Saturday I had a strange feeling about Hajj. Something inside of me said that he'll need a woman around him in case he has a medical emergency. Later that evening, I called him to check in briefly. He sent my message to voicemail, leading me to respond with a sarcastic remark. He texted back that he was in the hospital. My hair stood on end. He said he thought he had a stroke. I'd wished so heavily that I was in DC with him to yell at the nurses around him to make sure he was getting the best care available. The next day an MRI was done to confirm that he did, in fact, have a stroke. For the first time in a while, I felt a deep connection to him.

It's Wednesday now. I march for my graduation come Monday. Life is moving fast. Today I felt myself floating. I want to run so bad. I just want to turn and flee and not look back. But once again, I have to keep things together for my son. I mentioned on Facebook how much I'd like to flee. Tory then texted, asking if I'm okay. I responded with a simple "yes." He made his choice. We're not friends anymore.

So the world is revolving. I'm evolving. Spinning. Growing. I'm coming to a new normal in grieving my friend. I feel myself coming down. I still think of him heavily. I still feel him. I still miss him. I still can't wait to see him again. Sometimes I even still cry. But I'm almost ready. Not quite, but damned close. I just realized that in that dream, Pete told me that its okay to move on. The water represented emotions. The worst of the flood was over. The first flood dream indicated major emotional changes on the way. Damned if that didn't happen. This flood meant that the worst is over. There may still be some turmoil, but that's life overall. Pete is telling me to get in gear and live my life. I hate it when he's right