Sunday, May 7, 2017

I Have No Choice But to Be Alone

I guess I'm over my thing with Tory. Wished he was around to vent about something earlier, but shit, just like "you know who" life goes on, he ain't here, so I dealt with it. Nearly a week ago, I decided for some stupid reason or another, to try online dating. Yeah, about that...
I like to think that I put together a nice profile, cute pics, a bit of info about me, etc. Eventually I grew a tad irritated because so many of the inboxes I got were from men, who hit me up with a simple "hey beautiful" or "nice smile." I didn't even bother to open those. I mean, like why? To be fair, those men may have been well-meaning, well-educated men that wanted nothing seedy. But I couldn't shake that men that focused just on my looks wanted just one thing. I can't do that and I can't be that.

I finally started chatting with one guy. He seemed nice, but a tad persistent. I eventually agreed to meet with him last night. We went out (of course I picked a Starbucks in a different neighborhood in case he was a weirdo that would start to plant himself in my hangout spots). We laughed, had a lot in common. I confessed about my current mental state, told him about Pete, my changes in life, and told him truthfully that I can't do the girlfriend thing. We laughed more. Eventually Starbucks closed and we went outside, in the dark, in the middle of downtown, until it started raining, where we got into my car, to continue the conversation. I kind of liked him. I knew he liked me. I felt relaxed near him. We agreed to see one another for lunch. I even (half) joked about finally showing him my hang out spots since he wasn't the weirdo I was afraid he'd be.

On the way home, he texted me, telling me that he planned to take down his dating profile because he considered us "talking." PUMP. THE. BRAKES. Shit!! I froze again. See, this is the shit I'm talking about. We aren't "talking." Shit, we had coffee. That's it. Keep looking. I don't know what I want. I don't know who I do or will want. I texted him back and thanked him for his interest, but at the end of the day, I'm not committing to him. Life remains what it is. I feel like I'm learning to walk again. The responsibility of a boyfriend, "dating," "talking," "fucking," whatever you call it, I just can't.

He responded that he's okay just talking and getting to know me. I didn't respond. I didn't know how to. I happened to meet up with Reisha, told her what happened between us up to that point and showed her our messages. She shrugged her shoulders and told her that if he chose to stop and wait on me, that's on him. While I was driving home, he texted me again, and told me that he thought about it, and that he just can't be only friends with me. What the hell?! It literally happened again.

So in 48 hours, I've had two guys that I'd like to be friends with claim that they can't because they'd want more. Talk about bittersweet. In all fairness, I felt like the guy from last night was pressing kind of hard for a girlfriend anyway, and if I tried to break up with him later, shit would get weird and legal. Like Lifetime Movie of the Week bad.
He wanted a girlfriend. Bad. Don't get me wrong, he seemed like a super nice guy. But I knew his intentions. And because of what I knew would be his clinginess later, I knew to let him go. I've got enough damned problems and the possibility of having my disappearance and murder captured for cable television does not need to be upon them.

I'm again, alone in a coffeehouse (in my neighborhood this time). Alone. Last night, I just took down my dating profile. I'm not having sex, don't really want a boyfriend, and really don't want to be around a bunch of new people. With all of that, I guess it makes sense to just fall back. I've long been okay with my own company. I'm thankful that I'm secure enough with myself that being alone isn't making be go crazy. Quite the opposite. I like being out, observing people, and being in my own head. Good thing I enjoy my solo time. At the looks of things, seems like I'm about to have a lot of it.

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