The Quest for God

Its not a secret that I'm not a Christian. I don't even know if I even believe in God. I'ts worked for me in a way. Sometimes I wonder if God is real, other times I find my back against the wall and I can almost feel the hands of Someone Else doing things that I certainly could not do. Those are the days that I know that there is a higher power up there that loves me and wants to make sure that I'm well. But then there are days that I look around and I see downtrodden people that suffer and I think that there is no way that a God that supposedly loves and takes care of us all could exist, because why would God take care of me and not others? I'm not some kind of deity or special person worthy of such favors, yet I am consistently covered when I need it.

In the meantime, I'd learned to lean on Buddhism as my solace. I like the concept of Buddhism because its not about others, its about ME. It teaches me how to deal with others and how to work on myself so that I can be a better person and deal with the world. The problem with Christianity for me is that so much of it is based on blind faith. I've tried my hardest, but I can't make sense of it. In the absence of a concrete God, Buddhism taught me how to alter my perspective and be all right with the world. Buddhism was there for me when I had no where else to go. Buddhism showed me that half empty or half full, the glass doesn't matter because its just matter. The glass is just a shiny object that will eventually decay anyway (Impermanence) so why focus on it anyway? It just is.

Once during a meditation session, I came to an epiphany that there is no good or bad, there just is. Meaning that we assign labels of Good or Bad to things and from there deal accordingly. For instance, if someone loses their job and then has a fit, having a fit won't bring the job back. However, if you accept it for what it is and move forward to find a new job, or just take it as a sign to find a new direction in life, the better off you'll be. Some may not be able to relate to that, but for me to be as anxious and nervous as I am, I need it. I'm the kind of person that constantly seeks answers. I need to know why? Why do children die? Why do people suffer from broken hearts? Why do some people have and not others? Why did Jarronn and Tracey die on me? I need answers. And the Bible never provided them. I don't want to hear shit about them being needed in heaven. Jesus may work for some. But it left me feeling abandoned and frustrated and confused. So I turned to Buddhism and Myself.

I'd made peace with the absence of God in my life, until I met Love. He's a minister, who carries himself as one. He's so smart and despite me being filled with millions of questions about God and religion, he can honestly pull out a Bible verse to answer my question. There will be times that I'm at his home and I'll see a random Bible scripture laying around and I'll find that it totally relates to me. Normally when that happens, I'll ask him about it and we can have a conversation about how it relates to our lives. I dunno, maybe Love is right about there being a God. But then I come to this whole Jesus thing and that's where my doubt really lies. As much as I adore Love, and want to be with him in every way, the Jesus/Bible thing throws me. While some think that every word of the Bible is true, I think that some of it is metaphorical. I doubt the whole "burning bush" "Noah's arc" "water into wine" stuff. I just can't see it.

Sure, I can see the potential of a higher power, but I can't necessarily see the rest of the story the way others do. Maybe something is wrong with me. If it brings me closer to Love, I want to believe it. But I don't want to submit to something I don't agree to, just to be accepted. Nor would Love want me to lie to him or myself about it. So I'm stuck. I still don't know if I believe in God. And that's okay. Hopefully, I have plenty of time to figure it out.

Side Chick to Main Chick

Its come up in convo for me quite a few times how I'm happily coupled up with an incredible man and the personal and spiritual transitions I had to make to make me ready to receive him and love him the way I need to. Love and I had a conversation recently where he said that Steve Harvey once told a story about how when a man loves a woman and fully commits to her, he gives her a title. Not just a "baby mama" or just introducing you by your name, he'll say "this is my girlfriend/wife/fiance, (insert name here)."

I'm so thankful to have finally made it to that point. My friend and I conversed today and she said that she has finally let go of all of the casual male acquaintances in her life and she's doing much better without them. We both said how as a woman, (if you're lucky) you get to a point where you learn to screen men out in less than 30 seconds. It could be something as simple as his body language, his posture, his verbal language, or the activity he invites you to, you can tell quite quickly if he is worth your time.

I'm not sure if I said this before, but the ONLY thing that got me to let my guard down when I met Love is how he approached me. As I'd written before, we were at a copy shop and casually talking. I bid him farewell and walked toward my car and he ran outside and stopped me to ask me to lunch. That was the selling point. He didn't ask to come to my home or get me to his home. He didn't ask me to smoke weed or drink with him. He didn't even mention dinner. He suggested something as casual and friendly as lunch. And we've been glued at the hip ever since.

I've got to say, there is something astonishing about being not just the "main chick" but the only woman in a man's life. Love has shown me so much loyalty and devotion in a short amount of time and I have absolutely no doubt that things will continue to flourish and grow between the two of us. In the meantime, we will be spending Thanksgiving with my best friend's family and he's already making the rounds and meeting my friends. They all love him and as each day goes on, we get closer and closer to making our love a spiritual and legally permanent one.

I hate to argue that it was low self-esteem that led me to dealing with the partners I had before, but I've always been one to be honest with myself. At the same time, I was just happy to have love and companionship. But as time grew, so did I, and companionship and penis was no longer enough. I think, no, I know, I'm glad I met him when I did, because truthfully, had I met him at any other time or any other circumstance, I wouldn't have been able to look at him and truly appreciate what a blessing he really is. So it appears that the moment I decided to step up my game, and stop settling for crumbs, Prince Charming marched up on his white horse. Or in his silver Scion. Whichever.

Conversations About the Future

I love that Love reads my blog and feels free to share his thoughts with me. That being said, I mentioned to him that my blog is not nearly as insane or drama filled as it once was, simply because my life is no longer in that state. At the time I met Love, I was completely over drama-filled men and their other women, lies, etc. By then I'd enrolled in Clark Atlanta University as a graduate student and I've been managing to keep A's in both of the classes I'm taking. I'd sworn to myself that dating was pretty much off limits and despite getting approached by men left and right, my focus was to remain on school, myself, and my son.

I actually met Love while I was in a copy shop, printing out a my paper (which I later got an A on). He read the title over my shoulder and I made a joke about the item he was getting printed up. So Love became love, and romance rides again. Being that I'd already been in the zone to get my life and finances in order, it was a lot easier for me to look at Love and for him to look at me and see that there could definitely be a future for the two of us.

One thing that continues to impress me about him is his willingness to openly communicate with me. We frequently have conversations about things such as finances (things to pay off now and then focus on after the wedding). We talk about children, we've talked about buying a house. Those are the things that let me know he's serious about me and about us. We discuss religion, church, and prayer frequently. Frankly, nothing is off limits for us, which makes me even more comfortable.

The other day we again discussed finances. He asked about my student loans (ouch) and we talked about our goals and necessity of saving money and getting a joint account we could both deposit into. I was floored. I tried so hard in the past to get that kind of progress with my exes, yet here is a man, who on his own, is ready to meet me halfway. So somehow, I managed to go from single sista, ready to take on the world, to happily booed-up woman, ready to tackle the future with a man I'm head over heels for. How lucky am I?

Couple Friends

I was at my best friend's surprise party last night and I met a mutual friend's girlfriend, and I immediately took to her. We both said that in dealing with our men, we were pretty sure that our boos were more than likely our future husbands. We talked about how we'd both had long and bad relationships in the past, so we knew we were on a better tracks.

She told me that she'd been dating him as long as I'd been dating Love and I suggested that she and I double with our new loves. Then I looked up and suggested that the four of us go out with my bestie and his girlfriend, making us a triple date. Around the same time I told her that I had been pricing photogs and flowers for our wedding and was amazed at the prices. She told me that she'd been married before and that her Vegas wedding costs her $5k. Another married friend chimed in that he'd spend over $8k for his wedding last year and he only got that steal because he'd called in favors all over the city. It felt awesome to talk to other people seriously about such issues, since I was never this close to a walk down the isle before.

 It was then that I realized why they often say it is best for couples to hang with other couples. While with Deen there was only one couple we hung with and truthfully, they were just as screwed up as he and I were. Now that I'm in a really happy and loving relationship, I love the idea of getting together with other couples and hanging out. The best thing about the males last night is that I know all three of them (Love, the new woman's boyfriend, and my male bestie) are genuinely GOOD dudes. They are men that seek long-lasting, family-oriented relationships with the women they love and with God. I now understand that when all of your social encounters are with single people, it is easy to get sidetracked and forget to carry yourself as half of a couple. When your focus is husband/wife/child/family, you know not to have your ass in the club frequently as if you were single.

The married friend also told us that he intends to have his birthday this spring in Amsterdam and said we should all join him. I told him that as a woman who is happily committed to a minister, getting blitzed in Amsterdam is not an option. My friend said that if I marry someone, he has to accept who and what I am. I told him that while I agree to an extent, for my particular relationship, somethings I had to fall back on. He's married and his wife will be in Amsterdam with him. I'm heading toward marriage, and I'll be home with my boo. Or wherever he is. Love and I will simply have to find new couples to hang with in the meantime.