Happily Ever After

On July 30, 2009, I lost my cousin Jarronn in a motorcycle accident. To say that  we struggled to understand why God would take him away 2 and a half months after marrying an incredible woman is an understatement. Well, let's just say that I now believe in Happily Ever After.

The True Test of My Self Esteem

I celebrated my birthday Thursday and it was undeniably the best birthday I've ever had. I saw my family, hung with my best friend, looked good, felt good, randomly kept running into friends who greeted me warmly with "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" where ever I went that day. It was beautiful.

I ended up unexpectedly in Starbucks and started talking to a man as I left out. I was shocked when he asked for my number, but we exchanged Facebook info. I contacted him a few days later. He messaged me the next day and decided to hang out for a while. He was sexy, smart, nice body, and a sweet guy overall. The only issue was that he made it known that he was into intimacy and I let him know that I wasn't looking for the same. Despite our attraction to one another, we decided to stay platonic friends.

That evening, I got bored and asked him if I could Google him. He said sure. But something strange happened. The drop down box had his name followed by the name of a well-known Black actress. I clicked on it only to learn that he was her "boy toy" at one period in time. I couldn't believe it. There were plenty of modeling pictures of him and pictures of him and the actress booed up together. I was floored.

I asked him about it and he shrugged it off. It was insane to see the person I occasionally cook for and hang out with, hugged up with a glamorous public figure. I remember my best friend and I in middle school discussing the tv show we watched her own. And now she's here. Or at least there. I like the dude as he's funny, smart, kind and all of that. But he's screwing HER. I'm not jealous. He's a great guy, but personality wise, he and I could never do the long term thing. I really enjoy having him in my life. But wow. Wow.

My ego just deflated.

Is It Okay to Die?

There's a guy I've known since middle school. I'd lost track of dude until the wonders of Facebook came along. Since then, based on his Facebook postings, I've learned that he is suffering from heart failure and may not make it if he doesn't get a heart transplant soon. I've been glad to see the uplifting posts from him and his family about his battle. But at the same time, I knew that everyone had to be prepared in case the worst happened.

Today I saw postings where he was saying that he was tired and close to giving up. I saw my chance to finally say to him what I'd wanted to say. I started by asking if he was nervous. He said that he's more scared than anything. I told him that truthfully, the angels will guide him which ever way he is to go and not to be fearful. He said he'd miss his kids. I told him that no matter what, he'll be with his children, even if he's on the other side. Perhaps living with a terminal illness made him feel at ease to discuss things, which I was uncomfortably glad about. I can't believe that I told a man that it's okay to die.

I just didn't want him holding on if he didn't want to. I didn't want him to be fearful on his journey. I don't want him to feel like he wasted his life. I didn't go pull any plugs or tell him to drop dead, but I did want him to know that its okay to be afraid, but its okay to go into the light as well. I know that a lot people want him to stick around. No one wants to see him leave this plane now. And that's okay. Maybe its because he and I weren't close that I was okay saying it to him. Because I can't see telling any of my close friends or family members to walk into the light. But I told him. I felt that he needed to know that its okay to let go and be on the other side. Sometimes when I see his posts, I think to myself that it will be any day now that he will take his final journey. And if he gets called Home, I hope I helped to make him a little more okay with that.

The Pain of Beauty

I guess I'll throw it out there that I'm a bit smitten. Its still really early in the stages of things, so I will remain guarded, but I haven't had this kind of rapport with a man since my ex, David. He's cute, funny, charming, smart, successful, and a bunch of other qualities that I admire. I hope things go well, but I'm ready to walk away if I need to.

With that said, one thing I adore about him is how much we pick on one another. Its almost like middle school all over again, which is cute considering that he and I met in high school. I guess while conversing I'd often tell him what I was munching on and he once made the observation that I eat a lot of chicken. I laughed it off, and as I made chicken salad for breakfast a few days later, I had to call him and admit that he was right.

The one thing that I did not share with him, however, is the reason I eat so much chicken. I eat goo-gobs of chicken because chicken is carb-free and I don't eat pork or beef. Its sad but true. I'm down to a size 10 and I'd like to make it to size 8. I've slacked a little on my dieting lately, but I'll be damned if I blow back up to where I was. Don't get me wrong, there are still days where my inner devil wins out and McDonald's or Krystal's makes it as my dinner or mid-day snack, but overall, I try to keep my diet under control to at least maintain my current shape.

I decided not to tell the object of my desires that the reason I eat so much chicken is because I'm low carbing. I'm not sure if he reads my blog (I kind of hope he doesn't at his point), but if he does, the secret is now out. Its not that I'm ashamed of being a woman that watches my weight, I simply don't want him to think that I'm some kind of high maintenance priss that refuses to eat real food for fear of gaining weight one day.

One good thing about my transformation over the last year is the overwhelming confidence it gave me. If y'all thought I was a mess before, trust me, you can't tell me shit now. I feel so effing good that its amazing. And I don't feel good because I look good, I look good because I feel good. It feels so awesome to walk into regular clothing stores, not Lane Bryant or Ashley Stewart to buy clothes. I can go into the junior's section at Macy's and go NUTS. For the first time in my adult life, I can actually wear not just a large (as opposed to extra large, which I wore before), your girl can actually wear a medium in some clothes. This feels fantastic.

So with all of that said, is no surprise that I have decided that I plan to maintain this diet to some degree for the rest of my life. Of course I don't just eat low carb, I also load up on fruits and veggies and down lots of water. But when it comes to pizza, sushi, nachos, rice and pasta, those are serious no-nos or at least relegated to "that time" of the month where women crave all kinds of shit and eat whatever the fuck we want, lest some asshole get killed for telling us to keep an eye on our figures.

Yep, I'm officially "that" girl that eats chicken 7 days a week and often eats just chicken as a full meal, while snacking on fruit throughout the day. And the man who has my eye is none the wiser. And I'll be okay with that and so will he. Because I look damn good on his arm as we have a great time together, laughing and talking about life. So now both of us can feel as good as I look. Chicken is totally worth it.