Monday, January 18, 2010

Moving On, the Safe Way

I just read a blog where someone asked about when is the best time to introduce a new boyfriend or girlfriend to the situation when you've got children at home. I've thought long and hard about this situation, myself. Pookie and I still live together, but I'm always weighing my options on moving on.

I've told myself that I don't really see myself getting married until after Pumpkin has graduated high school. I absolutely hate the idea of another man entering the picture and playing my son's father. Pookie and I may have our share of problems, but his father is fantastic and I get weirded out at the thought of another man filling (or trying to fill) that role. Don't get me wrong, I can see myself dating again, but as far as moving another man in, I just don't see it happening.

I can't help but to look at the model my mother left for dating while having children, and it certainly left a lot to be desired. I'd always sworn to myself that when I had kids, I'd be nothing like her, and thankfully I've stuck to that. The funny thing is that it wasn't until I was a mother that I really realized how much she screwed things up. I guess that sounds pretty harsh, but I'm not that known for holding my tongue.

Anyway, in terms of dating, I'll never forget the first man she brought home. It was a hot day at the beginning of summer and a guy showed up. And he never left. Literally, he just showed up. No talk, no discussion, not even mentioning him ahead of time. He just showed up and stayed. I guess she got tired of the broke bastard because a few months later, he disappeared just as quickly as he came. Mom had 4 boyfriends (three of which I met) and one she married. Two years later, the marriage was over although they had dated for well over a decade.

Like I said, I saw how she did things and I remember how I felt, and being that I vowed to be a better parent than her, I know I'll have to do things better or at least differently. When dealing with her boyfriends, I'd always felt like a forced third wheel. I love my son so much that I can't imagine forcing him to be in close parameters for a long time with someone that doesn't respect him or even someone he hates. To this day, he may only be two, but I refuse to let him interact with people I don't feel worthy of him. I've literally scooped my son up when I saw that some effed up people were trying to talk to him. Gosh, I didn't intend for this blog to be about my own faltered childhood, but damned if it isn't a vent.

Anyway, enough of my shattered dreams. I am deathly afraid to put my son in a situation like those that I encountered. One of my greatest traits is my ability to feel empathy. When dealing with other people I will either recall how I've felt in their position, or I'll imagine how I'd react if I were in their position. My empathy makes me a pretty compassionate person. I don't know how I could possibly date if my son absolutely hated someone. Now I am of course speaking as if my son was a logical person. If he hated every dude I dated, I'd have to deal with that and work with him to remind him that I loved him and that he'd always be my son. That's another thing I wish I'd gotten-reassurance that I was loved no matter who mommy was banging.

Oh well, me having a fucked up childhood helped to assure that my son will always have better than I did. I love my Pumpkin so much that I'd move the moon and stars to keep him safe and happy. I think I'm already doing better than where I came from.

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