please acknowledge your "situation" before you drag other people in

i posted a blog a while ago about people that are in relationships, but not really. i guess this post could kind of fall into that also. anyway, a homegirl of mine (whom i'll call chauncey) was good friends with our homeboy (whom i'll call terrence). terrence had been trying to get at chauncey for years and she never really let him in because she didn't want to ruin their friendship. terrence had a "situation" with his chick at home, but he pretty much doesn't realize how deep into it he really is. he constantly complained to chauncey about how he doesn't want to to with the chick, he's only living with her because he likes her kids and while he can afford to live alone, he prefers to not have to struugle as much financially while living with her. bullshit, i know. moving on, oneday after an extended sexual drought, chauncey called terrence and told him to roll through. no need for me to elaborate on what happened next.

a couple weeks after the fact, they had barely talked and while trying to play it cool, she was really starting to feel played by him. she knew he had a chick at home and chauncey wasn't trying to marry the dude, they simply had an adult encounter and were only supposed to remain friends afterwards. he eventually manned up and called her and apologized, saying that he still wants to leave his chick, wants to live alone, only there for the kids (even though they have a father that is active in their lives) etc. chauncey is a good one because she's still just trying to focus on the friendship. personally, i would just let old boy slip to the side, but chauncey is far more practical and less emotional than i am.

she later learns that the chick that he's supposedly living with and not sexing at home anymore (so he says) refers to terrence as her "boyfriend" when asked his about his relation to her. chauncey also learned that after terrence took her home from a party when she got sick, his girlfriend sat outside of chauncey's home fuming (either the girlfriend saw it or she heard about it when she showed up late to the party that was across the street from chauncey's).

like i said, i give chauncey props because i would have been beyond pissed at old boy. its not so much that he had a situation at home, its the fact that he misrepresented it. terrence should just face it, he has a GIRLFRIEND. i mean seriously, look at the signs. live together? check! he look after her kids and help raise and pay their expenses? check! spending all holidays and birthdays together? check! is he having to lie (or embellish) to her about his relationship with other women so she doesn't get pissed off? check! and there folks, you have a RELATIONSHIP. its not a bad thing. hell its a great thing. so why get with another woman (his friend of many years no less) and misrepresent what he's got going at home? either he intentionally led chauncey (and who knows how many other women) to believe that he's really a single guy and living there as a roommate, or he is in denial about how deep in he is with this chick. to give him credit, he's a good guy and very family oriented. he was the man of his house growing up and he helped to raise his younger brothers. he was even like a big brother to me and he taught me a lot about relationships. i just don't understand how a man cannot fully see that he's got a girlfriend. why even try to get with someone else? frankly i had to stop trying to date other men because even though i'm free to date and i merely have a "situation," my priorities and my heart are at home and i can't fully give myself to another man. i wish terrence would think about where his heart is before he seriously breaks someone's heart or potentially ruins another friendship.

People That I Wish Would Kill Themselves

I'm a regular on a gossip blog called rhymeswithsnitch.com. On one the the posts, one of the fellow bloggers suggested that we all name someone that we want to just take themself out. Below is what i posted.

i'd like to see cam'ron take himself out (seriously). i want bernie madoff to suffer so i'd like him to spend the rest of his life in jail but i doubt that will happen. but i'd like his wife to kill herself for actually trying to keep those folks money. sarah palin. george bush (both of them). dick cheney. hold on, this list could get long...

...and then there's that teacher that lied on me in high school which landed me the one and only time i ever got in school suspension...

...any cop that ever wrote me a ticket or two for bullshit and then told me that i should be thankful for him not writing me more tickets...

...and that cop that stopped me for no headlight when i was 7 months pregnant and wouldn't let me go to a gas station so i could pee. he had me waiting for a long time to write a damned ticket. i REALLy want that bastard to kill himself...

...that cheap fat alcoholic pill-popping skanky whore that my exboyfriend knocked up...

...that ugly bitch i used to call my best friend that was lying on me and telling every one that i was a slut and that i was a slacker, despite me being in school full time and working two or three jobs at a time. jealous illiterate bitch...

...that broke bastard that was sleeping on my damned couch but had the NERVE to complain that i didn't keep my house as clean as he wanted to see it, although he didn't clean anything himself...

...that old wrinkled non-penis-getting walking disease of a crack whore that i worked for that fired me illegally while i was on maternity leave and then had the nerve to lie on me so i couldn't get unemployment while i had a newborn to take care of...

...any grown woman walking around in velour jumpsuits with words written on their butts. cheap flea market looking mess...

...any woman with decent money that walks around in cheap looking wigs. and this includes YOU whitney houston...

...folks that are famous for having friends and relatives more famous, rich, talented, and relavent than themselves. note to ray j: SLIT. YOUR. WRIST!...

...grown people that want to blame the world and "the man" for the reason they can't go to college and work hard like the rest of us so they rob, rape and pillage our own communities. die, Die, DIE!!!...

...that dude that broke into my house (we knew who it was) had the gall to show up on my doorstep and say "i heard you think i broke into your house" and then had his ignorant ass walking down the street in MY damned clothes...

...that selfish chick, octomom. kids aren't puppies, they're living breathing human beings and you shouldn't bring them into the world knowing your ass is living off your damned parents and welfare. i also want dr. phil to kill himself for getting this crazy cunt a new house and getting it furnished for her. crazy ass had the nerve to not help her mom pay bills but paid for plastic surgery to look like angelina jolie while the house looks a damned mess. give me a minute alone with her to undo that plastic surgery...

...that bucktooth, four-eyed, horse-faced pimply bitch with the bad perm that was pissed because she was nothing more than a booty call for my son's father back in the day. yeah bitch, he's STILL paying my bills. lonely broke heffa...

...all of those negative people that told me that i couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't get a college degree. jealous crab in a barrel mofos...

...all of those people that took four college classes 6 years ago and act like that makes them a freaking genuis. i get so sick of folks saying "when i took that biology class 8 years ago, i was the smartest person in there." like that matters now. that's about as pathetic as old men that focus on their glory days of running track in high school. why don't you just brag about some other irrelevant things like your s.a.t. scores?...

...men that drop off diapers once or twice a year and show up at a few birthday parties, and suddenly want to act like they're father of the year...

...men that will lay with a woman either for a time or for a night, and then since they don't want the responsibility of a child they will shout "that ain't my baby!" and the trife new girlfriends that let them believe that shit and walk away from their kid(s). both them niggas need to hang themselves- old dude and his insecure new chick...

......any woman that will put some shiftless broke dude OR some rich cat that's paying bills, over raising her own kids. no penis is worth losing a relationship with your kids. new penis will get up and leave you before your own children will...

...anyone that thinks cam'ron is intelligent, interesting, funny or talented...

...co-workers that tried to lie on me and blame me when their stuff started to stink. i may not brown nose the way they did, but i kept my job just the same...

...ok, ALL effed up coworkers that try to blame other folks for their failures in the workplace...

...all of those goddamn shrinks, doctors, and nazis that changed up the rules so that anybody that tries to discipline their kids in public catches a damned case. you can't even spank your kids for acting up, but you're expected to teach them to be angels. whatever, i'll STILL lay hands to my son when i need to...

...folks that think the world is their child's playground so they let their kids show out in public and expect other folks to put up with it. for those that don't know- movie theaters, shopping malls, and nice restaurants aren't the same as the goddamned chuckie cheese...

...people that get off on breaking other folks' hearts just because they're insecure and need validation of how "great" they are...

...folks that think that just because they're rich and/or famous they can treat other folks that aren't rich and/or famous like dirt. saying "do you know who i am?!" only proves what a doucebag you really are. everyone deserves respect, no matter how special you like to think you are...

...folks that gladly allowed bush 8 long years to eff the country up, but in less than 100 days, they've been up obama's butt saying what a screw up he is...

...every exboyfriend i've had that treated me like dirt while we were together but then had the nerve to call me later telling me that i was the perfect woman and they'll never find another woman like me. i tried to tell your trifling asses that while we were dating...

...crooked ass cops that think they have a right to harass, injure, and kill folks because they're on a fucked up power trip...

...and that concludes my list of people i want to kill themselves.

*did i leave out anyone?*

the emotional investment

well, as most of my faithful readers know, my son's father and i have been through a lot for the last 2 and a half years. its strange, but despite it all (him messing around, and the whole bit) we're actually common law married. wow. i feel married to him. i don't know how or why, but i do. i have a friend that lives with her child's father in a situation similar to me and mine. she and i hung out yesterday and as we often do, we compared notes about our "baby daddies." she's ready to head out from her situation and move out with her child(even though she loves him with all of her heart). me ready to move out and on? not so much.

at times i say to myself that i can't wait to get away from my dude, just me and our child and move on with my life. but then reality kicks in. he's in school. he's a hard worker. he's a great cook. he's a fantastic father. because of him, i know what love is and how it really feels. he's taught me what unconditional love is. and despite what he'd say, i know that i've taught him about responsibility to his family and i've helped him to become a great father. so why the hell should i walk away from this? in a few years this man is going to get out of school and make a fairly good amount of money. and being that this is my last semester of school, i'll (hopefully) be making a decent amount of money myself. so imagine if we combine forces? i know that sounds kind of gold diggerish, but i've loved him since our first kiss on our first date and at the time i didn't know a damned thing about his future earning potential. i even remember how the first time we slept together, it was the first time in forever that i'd felt that someone was making love to me, not just fucking. his future income potential didn't come out until later to me and between that and us having a child together, i don't see why we shouldn't stick with eachother for the greater good.

i often drive through nice neighborhoods and think to myself, i want THAT house. i want my crib with the pool table and exercise equipment in the basement. dude is going to be an engineer (that's what he's in school for) and with decent income he can afford to give me and future children the kind of life i'd like for us. i want more children, and frankly i want them with him. but i know how much his life was derailed when i got pregnant and i'd hate to get pregnant again, knowing that his personal and professional goals would only get pushed back that much more. i want my son to have a relationship with his (future) siblings that i wish i'd had with mine. i want my children to play little league, and play instruments, and go to summer camp and all of that costs money. i want to go on family vacations with the man i'll share my life with. and i don't want my kids to have different daddies. i want one daddy for them. i don't really think that my son's father wants kids with different women either, and he wants more children also (just further in the future than i want).

my big fear is really that he and i would separate and some skeezer would move in on him and get the nice house and the children and the life with him that i've really earned. its probably an immature way to look at it, but frankly, i've put in WORK. before getting with him, i was with my ex for 10 years and i drove him around to and from work and school and i took A LOT of shit off of him. and in the end he allowed his skanky baby mom to step in and tell a bunch of lies on me and the low life bum that i hauled ass for 10 years for, wasn't even man enough to have a civil conversation with me to end things. that sorry bastard would only text me. 10 years of loving him more than i loved myself and all i got was text messages in return. i'm not planning to once again lose the man i've put so much in to, to some outside chick with a decent smile and a big ass.

re-entering the dating game scares me. i know that there are men that are far better than my son's father. but frankly there are more men that are far worse. i guess its safe to say that i love my son's father (although i'm not IN love with him), warts and all. a friend of mine met him recently and she commented that despite him being handsome and mannerable, she could tell that his good guy image is really just a fascade. and she's right. i love his public persona and i love the asshole that's underneath what the world sees. i don't want some woman that hasn't dealt with what i've dealt with to think that she's got a right to the life with him that i feel i'm entitled to. i know it's childish, but after the emotional investment that i put into my ex, i can't dare put that into someone else only to be left high and dry again. the funny thing is that on other days i say i can't wait to move out and leave this asshole by himself with all of his chicks. most of the chicks he's dealt with would have left him a long time ago if they'd dealt with half the shit i've seen. is it low self esteem? hardly. I LOVE MYSELF. i don't want to grow old alone. is that a crime? i think if i do end up alone or with another man, i want to be the one that makes that call and not him. i guess that could be called unfair, but so what. i've invested lot into this man, our relationship, our child and our family, and right now intend to stick around for my return.

My Open Letter to Tevin Campbell

Dear Tevin,

I almost believed that practical joke you set up. I wondered why the police would be knocking at my door, but once I saw that "restraining order" you'd sent, all I could say is, "Tevin is so silly. He must really like jokes. I wonder how much he paid some pretend lawyer and off-duty uniformed police officer to come to my door and order me to stay at least 1000 feet from him and to quit sending him letters with my toe hairs taped to them." That pretend restraining order also said something about no longer needing to send you dead skin from my hands. Boy Tevin, I almost believed you. But then it occured to me that you've got a silly sense of humor so that restraining order was just a joke for me to laugh hysterically at and then ignore. So anyway, how are things? Good I hope. I read in a few gossip mags that you were actually gay *GASP* but then I knew they were just jealous because you're so talented (we all know you're going to make a HUGE comeback sometime soon) so I feel totally justified for throwing acid on that chick's face. She'll think again the next time she wants to write in her column that you're a "flaming homosexual." Did you get the pie that I sent to you? I hope so. When my cat died (Tevin Campbell the Cat IV) I was so crushed that I couldn't bring myself to bury her so she was in my freezer. I figured that you'd love that pie even more once I put the shavings from my dead frozen cat in it. I hope you tour soon. I sleep with you every night. Not literally you of course, but naming my vibrator Tevin Campbell sure makes my nights that much better. I even drew a picture of you on it. I couldn't decide which hairstyle to put on it so I just drew in the processed texturized afro that you had in the "Always in My Heart" video. I even periodically spray activator on the dildo just to keep your drawn on Duke kit afro looking lustrious (it burns like hell when in use but as long as my Tevin Campbell dildo looks good, I'm happy!) Hey Tevin, I read that you're now in the play Rent on Broadway. How awesome is that! I plan to come see you there soon, I just have to see if I can get my therapist to tell my probation officer to okay me going across state lines. Boy Tevin, you love this cat and mouse game don't you? You're so silly. I know this is just a test for you to see if I'm willing to work to gain your affections. Trust me Tevin, I'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. Speaking of my therapist, he seems to think that I have an "unhealthy" interest in you. I can't figure out why he'd think that. I named all 14 of my cats after you. How is that unhealthy? Don't you worry though. I promised myself that if he says anything else bad about you I'm going to set him on fire. I'm just kidding of course (no I'm not- I already put the lighter fluid and matches in my car for the next time we meet tomorrow). Anyway Tevin, I guess I'll wrap up my letter now. One of the Tevin Campbell cats is rubbing up against my leg to signal that it wants to go out. I also have to start cooking dinner for the cats. They get kind of antsy if I don't have their dinner cooked by 4 p.m. Oh before I go Tevin, I meant to tell you that I had that cute dream about us being married and having a child. And do you know what I'd name that child, dear Tevin? Her name would be Tasmine Elan Vivian Ingrid Naomi Campbell. The initials of her first and middle names are the initials of your first name and then she's got your last name. How sweet is that?! I'm going to run the name by my therapist to see what he thinks. He'd BETTER say he likes it.

Smootchies Tevin,

Malika Campbell

p.s. Oh yeah! I forgot to tell you that I changed my last name to Campbell so that once we get married, I won't have to deal with the paperwork of changing it then! You know we're getting married RIGHT?