Guilt of Gratitude

I've talked a bit about the strange twists and turns my life has made lately. I kinda wish I could provide more details about exactly what I've encountered, but I've started to lean in to keeping some things more private for a few reasons. One, there are still people who are way too obsessed with what I got going on and two, I realized that life is a bit easier when folks don't know all of your business. People can't judge and comment on what they don't know, ya know? Plus there's some legality to some things, and I don't want or need the wrong people connecting the dots on what's going on. So anyway, as I've gotten a bit older, I've come to readily accept that my spirit guides have been dragging my ass from fires since forever. Only now that I'm older and have a greater grip on my life do I finally realize how protected I've really been.

I've watched some things unfold in my life that I'm genuinely kinda struggling with. By all accounts, I should probably have been dead like half a dozen times. I should have like 12 kids, with 14 different shitty men. I should still be working only retail, making $25k a year, living in some shitty apartment in the middle of the ghetto. But somehow, by the grace of something far bigger than myself, none of those things have happened.

When I was younger, I'll admit that I was way more naive. I gave far too many people grace and never could have wrapped my mind around how harsh life can really be. I guess that was bit of a blessing, if you will. Being so willfully ignorant to the evils that exist in life. Only looking back now, with age and wisdom, do I see how much I've really been blessed. 

For example, true story here. A few years ago, while attending Clark Atlanta University, the guy I was seeing at the time, Ted, used to drive me home (Ted worked next door at Morehouse). That particular day, Ted wasn't available. I told him no biggie, I'd just take the train. It was kind of a drizzly day, but nothing I couldn't handle. As I walked towards the train station, I got a brief vision that a man had stopped his car, to offer me a ride. I accepted and got in, as the man started to say strange things. In the vision, I reached for the door to unlock it, ready to tuck and roll. But suddenly, the man pulled a gun and told me not to move. It was a strange vision, but naturally, it shook me. Less than 2 minutes later, while still walking, a car driven by a man stopped and offered me a ride.

I immediately declined. I recall that it was a gold SUV, of some sort. He asked a few times if I was sure, but I had never been more sure of anything in my life! He eventually moved on, but as I walked towards the train station, I saw a few times that he'd been circling the block, possibly watching me. I don't make it a habit to jump in the car with strangers anyway, and I was only a few blocks from the train station, but to have that vision and immediately encounter the same scenario is anything but a coincidence. My angels were once again telling me to be on guard. 

So here I am, older and far wiser. Armed with the gifts to fully recognize the dangers that exist everywhere. And I'm seeing now that a situation that I'd literally prayed for was a situation that would have completely derailed my life. Something that I'd wanted so badly, a person and scenario that I'd always prayed for, feeling that it would make everything better, was honestly a piping hot, raging mess. What I learned recently was pretty jarring, and to make it worse was that I was in the middle of a work shift when I'd learned about it. I mean, I was genuinely shook to my core, the more layers of the onion that I was peeling back.

The same boss who'd told me that I had some amazing spiritual guides, was my ears as I poured out into her what I was learning and how I was reacting. I was horrified. I was also mad at myself for missing it for all those years. My merciful boss shared that I wasn't in the space to learn then what I'm learning now, and that as I unpack a lot of previous trauma, my brain is now strong enough to process what I'm coming to see.

And I'm grateful. I'm so eternally grateful. But somehow, I feel guilt. I know that my life could have been way worse, a million times over. Yes, I've had to take a lump or two, in my life. Vital lessons that served as a "sitcho ass down!" moment. But as rough as those lessons were, none of them were too horrific. None of those moments were bad enough to derail my progress. Health issues? Two friends died after stress exacerbated their decline, while I'm over here, cool as a cucumber, rarely getting upset. Past arrest? I can still get a job in my field, any day of the week. Fired from past jobs? All of that work experience in different fields gave me a resume to be jealous of. Finances? My bills are paid, with occasional opportunities to enjoy lattes all over the city and turn up in L.A. once a year. I'll kill a Cinnabon, but I have yet to come close to getting a foot amputated. Only one kid, but his daddy has remained gainfully employed and my child support makes it to me faithfully. I've never gotten married to any of the men I wanted, which has prevented any long, painful, expensive divorces. I mean seriously, I made it out of some jams!!

So why can't I celebrate this? I should be able to look at the narrow misses that have happened in my life and be grateful. But I feel like I look at so much suffering around me and wonder what made lil' old me so deserving of the protection I've gotten? I remember talking to a friend recently, complaining about my pay, and my friend nearly bit my head off, saying that he'd gladly switch pay grades with me. Maybe that's it? Perhaps I feel guilty that other people deserve it more.

Other people pray more. They tithe more. They go to church more. They had less sex. They floss and brush their teeth after every meal. They followed all of those lil boring, nuanced rules and played it safe, while I often trounced over those rule and mocked their absurdity. But somehow, something up there looked at lil' old flawed me and determined that I'm deserving of these countless blessings. As a Buddhist, thinking about who "deserves" what goes against what I believe. Buddhism helped me to realize that sometimes, shit just happens, and we all respond the best way we know how.

So yeah, shit happens. And there is no good or bad, it all just is what it is. Yet I'd be a bit greedy, if I didn't express gratitude for the protection. And I'm struggling with that.