The other day, I talked a bit about grieving old Malika, with her maladaptive, toxic ways. I'm kind of in my head lately, over some changes that I did not see coming. I didn't expect to struggle with this as much as I am. I keep touting about being the new and improved, shiny version of Malika, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm just kidding myself?
I know that I'm not. I'm definitely no longer the self-loathing drama queen that I once was. I'm no longer basking in being the needy friend. I adore my independence and I'm so excited about the future and all of the things that come with it. But there is just one small part from my past that I'm really struggling to let go of, even though the Universe continues to smack me over the head with signs that it's time to move forward. I hear my angels, and God knows there are many of them. All of them are telling me to move forward. And there is no doubt in my mind that moving forward is the best course of action. Now that I think about it, all of these changes have reminded me that I need to continue to lean further into my faith, and center it, not just making it a small part of my background.
But a small part of me is still emotional over this loss. Cuz I know this time will be different. Maybe that scares me? That things will never be the same. That once the chapter closes for good, and my heart fully heals, with all of the changes and growth, we'll never be the same. Cuz I'll never be the same.
Right now, I'm giving myself space to process. Time to grieve. Not really crying, just in my head about these changes and what they'll mean. I'll have to change up some plans that I had, and that's okay. I'm staying away from social media for a while, because it's a bit triggering for me. I'm just babying myself. Going to throw myself into finishing the last 8k words of my last book, followed by a good final edit, before sending it out to another editor. Also been thinking about putting pen to paper on the fiction book I've had rolling around in my head for some years.
Fall is coming, and I'm glad. Fall has always been my season where I hunkered down in coffeehouses, and got lost in environments of poetry and music. Brown leaves, crunching under my feet, as I mindfully bask in the beauty of the moment. I need that. But at the moment, I just gotta hold on, knowing that things will get better.
